and i think to myself "what is this life?"
it's really strange, and i kind of began to allude to this in my last attempt at an entry, but when i'm here (at nyu, or in new york in general) i often feel as though something changes in myself, that i become a person that i perhaps have always wanted to be: someone without inhibitions, someone who cares little about the judgment passed on them by other people, someone totally independent (especially of emotional relationships), someone a little out of control. it's really bizarre though, things just feel different in my bones and it makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable. i guess i felt this more recently since i've been spending time with people that, i think, have always seen me in a different way, a less self-confident way. this friday, for example, my sorority had a beer pong (beirut) tournament. angela and robert were in town and i thought it would be fun if they were to come to the event, see what it is that takes up more of my time than my actual education, but i knew that they would feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing, that it would just be too intense an experience. a real college experience. not one of those liberal arts college party things. it's like i feel like these people will respect me less when they really see this part of my life, when they see who i become when i'm in new york. i don't know, it makes me wonder if there is a reason i should be insecure about this me in front of them, if i should feel like I lose respect for myself when i see the way that i'm acting. but i don't, i like this person. i like that she seems very free. i just worry that i can't commit to being this person full-time and i wonder if this is what it is like to grow older, to grow into a real person who isn't sheltered by her parents and their expectations, to grow into who i really am.
i'm watching sex and the city, which is something that i frequently decide to do when i get in moods such as the one that i'm currently in. it isn't like i so much admire these characters, that i look to them for some sort advice or guidance, but i do feel some sort of attachment to them, to they way that they live their life and even in their age they question things that i feel as though i'm currently questioning. in a strange way it's a comfort to know that i'm not the only one who has yet to figure things out, that--if these characters are models of any sort of women in the world--very few people have actually figured everything out. it's strange that this is a comfort as opposed to a discouragement. shouldn't i be worried that nothing ever really makes sense, no matter how many years pass, no matter how much money i invest in an education. perhaps there is something ideal in there being no absolutes, perhaps there is something wonderful about trying to figure it all out on your own and not looking to other people's lives as models for how you should live your own.
i had a nearly three-hour long conversation with chris last night. i admit, it wasn't a real conversation as it was over IM, but rarely these days to have i have substantial phone conversations with people other than my family members. anyway, we began having THAT conversation again, the one where we start out talking about the way things were when we dated, the way our respective parents miss us, the way that everything seemed perfect and easy. this eventually leads to the inevitable question of "what would it be like if we dated now" and how this question cannot be answered anytime in the near future because we are at different places in our lives, both physically and emotionally. i got really fed up, and perhaps it's because he is no longer with shanon, and decided to just finally ask why we keep having this conversation. i, of course, knew the answer to this: that we both kind of want it to happen again, that when we think of our relationship we get kind of nostalgic and sad and feel like there was something there that might not exist in other relationships we may have. and so we had this conversation and still nothing is resolved, we still have this thing hanging over our futures and our minds and i'm unsure if it will ever really be finalized, if we will ever really know. i hate the idea of fate, of not having control over my life and thinking that the good things that happen to me are not a result of my hard work but can instead be attributed to good fortune. chris said last night "i know that if it is meant to be, it will be" and i realized for the first time how utterly unconvincing this is. shouldn't we grab our futures by the balls and just make it scream whatever we want. shouldn't we be in control of our lives. he wants me to visit him and robert when they are in buffalo and i'm seriously considering it. it might be nice to get out of the city for a while, and it might be nice to see him, though i'm unsure of whether or not i really want it to be me him and robert. i may recruit some of my sisters to go, but i'm still just kind of concerned about what this will all mean in the end. what if i take the future by the balls and it somehow wriggles free and goes on doing whatever it wants to do. what if i really don't have any control over anything. it's so creepy to think about. bottom line though (it feels strange to use an idiosyncrasy of a boy i fucked to describe someone i truly care about) is that i really do still care about chris. i still love him. i still think about him and talk about him and sometimes, when i'm driving around the island, look for him at stoplights and intersections. i feel lame for this, feel lame that after almost four years i can still let him consume me, that i still want him to be in my life. i feel lame that i've had no real, substantial relationships since we broke up, just a few guys i casually dated or had sex with. i really haven't put myself--my heart--out there again.
this summer i threw away the box of chris stuff. i decided that it was really time to get rid of it once and for all, that this would be my symbolic way of cutting him out for good. i didn't really talk to him over the summer, didn't really know how he was what he was doing, who he was with and so it was easy. i started to read all the letters again but stopped after the first one because i was uninterested, unconcerned with the way that he had made me feel about myself. i looked at all the pictures and wasn't moved in any way. wasn't sad, wasn't happy, wasn't relieved, wasn't jealous, wasn't tired. i just was. i was apathetic to the whole thing for once in my life and it felt so strange. why, then, after i had decided to cut him out, did he make his way back in. why did i allow it. why do i always allow it? why is it not as easy to throw out the love itself. the memories of love are easy to get rid of, but the love, ah the love. does it ever go away, even when you want it to disappear more than anything, even when you're finally ready to get rid of it yourself. and so now, after all this, i think about it more than i should. i think about what it would be like if we were to get together again once and for all, imagine what it would be like to marry him and here's what i thought up: taking over ms. howard's job at governor's school, teaching art history to artistically inspired students, living in greer in a little suburb with a pool and a big backyard, a dog and a few cats, a kid or two. how normal is that. why is it then when chris becomes a part of my dreaming that things all of a sudden become utterly mundane. when i think about life with him i don't want new york, i don't want a cramped apartment (or even a big one), i don't want a gallery or museum job, i don't want anything that has the potential to take up more of my time than a normal 9-5 job.
and so i'm torn. i'm torn about who i want to be, where i want my life to go. do i want marriage, really? do i want kids. do i want to be dependent on someone emotionally. and i can't help but think that i could fuck it all up and make the way wrong decision. is it better to be mundane and comfortable than exciting and oscillating? is it really as black and white as this? perhaps there is some gray area in between, some way that i can have it all. that would be wonderful.
i'm watching sex and the city, which is something that i frequently decide to do when i get in moods such as the one that i'm currently in. it isn't like i so much admire these characters, that i look to them for some sort advice or guidance, but i do feel some sort of attachment to them, to they way that they live their life and even in their age they question things that i feel as though i'm currently questioning. in a strange way it's a comfort to know that i'm not the only one who has yet to figure things out, that--if these characters are models of any sort of women in the world--very few people have actually figured everything out. it's strange that this is a comfort as opposed to a discouragement. shouldn't i be worried that nothing ever really makes sense, no matter how many years pass, no matter how much money i invest in an education. perhaps there is something ideal in there being no absolutes, perhaps there is something wonderful about trying to figure it all out on your own and not looking to other people's lives as models for how you should live your own.
i had a nearly three-hour long conversation with chris last night. i admit, it wasn't a real conversation as it was over IM, but rarely these days to have i have substantial phone conversations with people other than my family members. anyway, we began having THAT conversation again, the one where we start out talking about the way things were when we dated, the way our respective parents miss us, the way that everything seemed perfect and easy. this eventually leads to the inevitable question of "what would it be like if we dated now" and how this question cannot be answered anytime in the near future because we are at different places in our lives, both physically and emotionally. i got really fed up, and perhaps it's because he is no longer with shanon, and decided to just finally ask why we keep having this conversation. i, of course, knew the answer to this: that we both kind of want it to happen again, that when we think of our relationship we get kind of nostalgic and sad and feel like there was something there that might not exist in other relationships we may have. and so we had this conversation and still nothing is resolved, we still have this thing hanging over our futures and our minds and i'm unsure if it will ever really be finalized, if we will ever really know. i hate the idea of fate, of not having control over my life and thinking that the good things that happen to me are not a result of my hard work but can instead be attributed to good fortune. chris said last night "i know that if it is meant to be, it will be" and i realized for the first time how utterly unconvincing this is. shouldn't we grab our futures by the balls and just make it scream whatever we want. shouldn't we be in control of our lives. he wants me to visit him and robert when they are in buffalo and i'm seriously considering it. it might be nice to get out of the city for a while, and it might be nice to see him, though i'm unsure of whether or not i really want it to be me him and robert. i may recruit some of my sisters to go, but i'm still just kind of concerned about what this will all mean in the end. what if i take the future by the balls and it somehow wriggles free and goes on doing whatever it wants to do. what if i really don't have any control over anything. it's so creepy to think about. bottom line though (it feels strange to use an idiosyncrasy of a boy i fucked to describe someone i truly care about) is that i really do still care about chris. i still love him. i still think about him and talk about him and sometimes, when i'm driving around the island, look for him at stoplights and intersections. i feel lame for this, feel lame that after almost four years i can still let him consume me, that i still want him to be in my life. i feel lame that i've had no real, substantial relationships since we broke up, just a few guys i casually dated or had sex with. i really haven't put myself--my heart--out there again.
this summer i threw away the box of chris stuff. i decided that it was really time to get rid of it once and for all, that this would be my symbolic way of cutting him out for good. i didn't really talk to him over the summer, didn't really know how he was what he was doing, who he was with and so it was easy. i started to read all the letters again but stopped after the first one because i was uninterested, unconcerned with the way that he had made me feel about myself. i looked at all the pictures and wasn't moved in any way. wasn't sad, wasn't happy, wasn't relieved, wasn't jealous, wasn't tired. i just was. i was apathetic to the whole thing for once in my life and it felt so strange. why, then, after i had decided to cut him out, did he make his way back in. why did i allow it. why do i always allow it? why is it not as easy to throw out the love itself. the memories of love are easy to get rid of, but the love, ah the love. does it ever go away, even when you want it to disappear more than anything, even when you're finally ready to get rid of it yourself. and so now, after all this, i think about it more than i should. i think about what it would be like if we were to get together again once and for all, imagine what it would be like to marry him and here's what i thought up: taking over ms. howard's job at governor's school, teaching art history to artistically inspired students, living in greer in a little suburb with a pool and a big backyard, a dog and a few cats, a kid or two. how normal is that. why is it then when chris becomes a part of my dreaming that things all of a sudden become utterly mundane. when i think about life with him i don't want new york, i don't want a cramped apartment (or even a big one), i don't want a gallery or museum job, i don't want anything that has the potential to take up more of my time than a normal 9-5 job.
and so i'm torn. i'm torn about who i want to be, where i want my life to go. do i want marriage, really? do i want kids. do i want to be dependent on someone emotionally. and i can't help but think that i could fuck it all up and make the way wrong decision. is it better to be mundane and comfortable than exciting and oscillating? is it really as black and white as this? perhaps there is some gray area in between, some way that i can have it all. that would be wonderful.