i need you, i want you, i miss you, i love you
this is the song that tommy made up the other night at work. he really is funny. i mean, broken english aside he has a good sense of humor. today, for instance, i came to work around two to pick up mandy (see, her father and future step-mother have kicked her out of the house taken her car--for no good reason except the future step-mother hates her--and now she lives in beaufort and has to rely on her mother to bring her to work according to her own personal schedule) and was wearing some red shoes which he tried on and then tried, very unsuccessfully, to walk around in. it was really funny. he just kind of slid around on the carpet and nearly fell multiple times, all the while with this big huge grin on his face. although i hate to admit it, i'm really going to miss working with him and just everybody. i really am.
i taught tommy how to say grenadine tonight and promised him that i would kiss him if he remembered it. he did and so i kissed him on the cheek, though he was hardly as excited about it as i thought he would be. i don't know, i'm really beginning to think that he is all talk, that he doesn't really want for me to kiss him. this is okay. i mean, it's more than okay, because honestly, i've thought way too much about his situation and the way i feel about his existence. i want to make his life happy for him because a large part of me really admires the way he has brought himself over from china and at the mere age of nineteen has established himself enough financially that he has brought his sister over and is supporting her in new york until she can support herself. i don't know. he seems to really value something about life that i could never really understand and so for this reason i want to make him happy, for him to be able to really love somebody the way that i love a lot of people. for him to really know them (me?). this isn't to say that he doesn't already have this in life, i mean, i don't know for sure, but it just doesn't seem like it. maybe i just want to give him something because i think that very few people in his life have really given him something. enough about that.
seeing david was good. i think he's gotten taller which is kind of amazing. i was wrong, i think he is still happy, although i think he's a bit nervous about his future. he is still unsure about where he will be next year (seattle, new york, somewhere?). he wasn't asked back to san francisco and wasn't asked to stay in new york. i mean, he's a good dancer and a good person, this just shouldn't be happening to him. it has also really amazed me about how much he has fully come out about his homosexuality. i remember last year it was kind of like a secret, but now he's browsing books in the gay section at barnes and noble reading gay personals out loud to me at chinese restaurants. i don't know how i feel about it, really. it kind of scares me, but only because i know what this has the potential to be. he's going to turn into one of those VERY promiscuous homos who gets down in dance clubs in front of everyone, which is not what i want david to be. i want him to be a respectable homo, like his sexuality doesn't consume him which it kind of seems to be doing. i don't know, i guess this is a double standard kind of, maybe my sexuality also consumes me, i don't know. but it's just so very strange how utterly OUT he is, i mean, seeing as how last year i was supposed to keep it just between the few people that originally knew about it. david has changed a lot, i think, though i can't necessarily see this change. i know it has happened though, i can just feel it.
we also saw doug, watched queer eye for the straight guy and boy meets boy, which was strange. seeing doug was good, i think dustin and i should really go visit him sometime next year. it was funny to see him interact with david. i mean, they never really got along very well (perhaps david wanted to deny the douglas that really exists inside him). anyway. i really love doug, i've decided. like, i'm sad the way his visit to nyu ended up, that my friends only saw the really strange side of doug that rarely comes out when i'm around, and i want them to know that he isn't like that usually. oh well. i don't need them to understand my relationship with doug or even to understand doug for that matter. oh well. c'est la vie.
okay, tonight was kind of hell at work, i'm tired and a little hungry so i think it's time for bed or at least a shower. until next time...
radio
i taught tommy how to say grenadine tonight and promised him that i would kiss him if he remembered it. he did and so i kissed him on the cheek, though he was hardly as excited about it as i thought he would be. i don't know, i'm really beginning to think that he is all talk, that he doesn't really want for me to kiss him. this is okay. i mean, it's more than okay, because honestly, i've thought way too much about his situation and the way i feel about his existence. i want to make his life happy for him because a large part of me really admires the way he has brought himself over from china and at the mere age of nineteen has established himself enough financially that he has brought his sister over and is supporting her in new york until she can support herself. i don't know. he seems to really value something about life that i could never really understand and so for this reason i want to make him happy, for him to be able to really love somebody the way that i love a lot of people. for him to really know them (me?). this isn't to say that he doesn't already have this in life, i mean, i don't know for sure, but it just doesn't seem like it. maybe i just want to give him something because i think that very few people in his life have really given him something. enough about that.
seeing david was good. i think he's gotten taller which is kind of amazing. i was wrong, i think he is still happy, although i think he's a bit nervous about his future. he is still unsure about where he will be next year (seattle, new york, somewhere?). he wasn't asked back to san francisco and wasn't asked to stay in new york. i mean, he's a good dancer and a good person, this just shouldn't be happening to him. it has also really amazed me about how much he has fully come out about his homosexuality. i remember last year it was kind of like a secret, but now he's browsing books in the gay section at barnes and noble reading gay personals out loud to me at chinese restaurants. i don't know how i feel about it, really. it kind of scares me, but only because i know what this has the potential to be. he's going to turn into one of those VERY promiscuous homos who gets down in dance clubs in front of everyone, which is not what i want david to be. i want him to be a respectable homo, like his sexuality doesn't consume him which it kind of seems to be doing. i don't know, i guess this is a double standard kind of, maybe my sexuality also consumes me, i don't know. but it's just so very strange how utterly OUT he is, i mean, seeing as how last year i was supposed to keep it just between the few people that originally knew about it. david has changed a lot, i think, though i can't necessarily see this change. i know it has happened though, i can just feel it.
we also saw doug, watched queer eye for the straight guy and boy meets boy, which was strange. seeing doug was good, i think dustin and i should really go visit him sometime next year. it was funny to see him interact with david. i mean, they never really got along very well (perhaps david wanted to deny the douglas that really exists inside him). anyway. i really love doug, i've decided. like, i'm sad the way his visit to nyu ended up, that my friends only saw the really strange side of doug that rarely comes out when i'm around, and i want them to know that he isn't like that usually. oh well. i don't need them to understand my relationship with doug or even to understand doug for that matter. oh well. c'est la vie.
okay, tonight was kind of hell at work, i'm tired and a little hungry so i think it's time for bed or at least a shower. until next time...
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