you're so vain

Jun 18, 2003 19:28

for a long time now i've known that my sister has had a distorted body image. she was on the brink of an eating disorder last summer and by brink i mean that she was already throwing up after meals and the like. she constantly makes comments about her weight and size (anyone who's seen my sister knows that she's a twig) and is incessantly looking in the mirror. today however, things were just out of control. she was on the porch smoking a cigarette and a hand mirror was on the table (i needed to do a little de-blackheading last night while on the phone with charlene) and she actually picked the thing up put it between her knees and just stared at herself for the entire duration of her cigarette. i couldn't even believe it. it was so bizarre. i mean, it's one thing to be in the bathroom already in front of the mirror and then just take a few extra minutes to admire yourself, but actually placing a mirror in a way such that you could stare at yourself while doing another, totally unrelated activity seems a little vain to me. i don't know, maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm over-conscious of people looking at themselves in mirrors. courtney does this at the dinner table as well. her seat is the one that faces the buffet, which has a large mirror attached to the back, and as she's telling stories or making rude comments she steals quick glances of herself in the mirror. it's so crazy. john (dolce) used to do this as well. when we were at bar none he would always look at himself in the mirrors hanging on the walls. maybe it's because i sometimes get weirded out when i look at myself in the mirror for too long. it's like everything seems to suddenly look asymmetrical and bizarre. it just doesn't make sense anymore when i stare at it for too long. does this not happen to other people? do they not shy away from their image after several minutes of heavy-duty staring?

other than the two hours that courtney was home this afternoon, i've had the entire house to myself all day. it has been incredibly silent and relaxing. just me and the dog. it kind of makes me look forward to when i will be all grown up and living on my own, in an apartment in the city. i've decided that i want to be well established enough that i don't need a roommate because, frankly, i'm sick of living with people. it's so tiring and compromising. i have a feeling that it's going to be especially hard next year living in the sorority house with ten other girls. i expect that sometimes it will be great fun, but i'm worried that with all the stresses that being in the sorority entails (especially being on e-board) we will all be really irritable and tired and just bicker a lot. i've actually never had real conflicts with any of the people that i've lived with--god yen, it was so damn easy to live with you--so i'm scared of what it will feel like if it actually happens. maybe i'll start having pretend fights with my dog, you know, just for practice, to see how it will feel to live in a close space with high tension...

sex and the city premieres this sunday, which is really exciting. i'm looking forward to the new fashion and to see how hbo manages to finalize the lives of carrie, charlotte, samantha and miranda. i, of course, am especially interested in what happens to carrie as i feel as though she has the most to gain or lose from whatever ending that they decide to write for her. i hear that adain will be in the season premiere, i wonder how she will be able to deal with that. i wonder if she and jack will get married. i wonder if she will decide that she really is meant to be alone, well not alone, just single. the last two episodes from season five are about to come on. the one where she's supposed to meet up with big while she's on her book tour in cali is one of the episodes which makes me excited. i don't remember this episode very well, but i feel as though for some reason she doesn't get to see him, or at least doesn't have sex with him and it's like she has let something go. i hope that this is the case, i hope that i remember it correctly, because i feel as though i kind of took a big step today. i let something go. that something is everything that has ever tied me to chris--or at least that still remained in my room.

see it all started a few days ago. my sister and i were drunk and decided to go to the psychic on the island and get our palms read because it was only ten dollars. the woman told me that i would be financially successful, that i would have a good career and make enough money, but that i would never find true love because i have a negative energy surrounding me. in order for me to rid myself of this negative energy, i would have to pay her 100 more dollars and have a crystal rubbed all over my body, or something to that extent. i, of course, didn't take her seriously, but i have decided to use her "negative energy" scheme to rid myself of chris. chris is my negative energy. for the past three years, i've been so nervous that i lost something utterly great and once in a lifetime that i haven't allowed myself to be open to new possibilities. i've forgotten that people my age are not looking for that someone special, that "forever" someone, they are looking for the right now someone. someone to make them happy in a small way, to fulfill whatever immediate desires that they may have. so today i did it. i magically healed my own self, without any crystals, without losing 100 dollars. i threw away anything that he had ever given me, all the letters, the pictures, it's all gone. and so is he. i don't feel him in my heart anymore, don't feel that burden, that "what if" that has plagued me for years and it feels nice. very, very nice.

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