Pondering feeling like Crap and a paradise.
Autumn is when everything goes to sleep. The leaves drift off tree's, slow and unconscious, they do not feel their crunchy brown body's hit the ground. The houses start puffing out warmed air on lazy recipients eager to finish their homework and go to bed, and all the world itself seems to slow. Slower and slower the earth spins until one day it stops and I am left with just my thoughts for company. And music, beautiful, beautiful music. Rufus Wainwright, Yann Tierson, Tattle Tale, Stars, and the soundtrack to Marie Antionette. This is pretty depressing music, but it's all I've been listening to lately because this fall has been bitter with occasional sweet. Like, right now, I'm listening to Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles. I can't be happy because the sun hasn't come yet, but I can't be unhappy because...who can be unhappy when they listen to this? Actually, I can. It makes me think of a girl named Onagh who I miss. Also, it makes me think of The Beatles which makes me think of Across The Universe, which makes me sad because I know I will never find a man like Jim Sturgess. But see, this is what this fall has been all about. BITTERSWEET. It haunts us with happy memories and hope that good years may come again, and despite this hope we remain depressed. Oh dear god, Time After Time just came on. Itunes is trying to torture me. This song makes me think about all the good close relaitionships I will never have, and all the romance my friends never seem to take part in. You would think that because I'm friends with a bunch of attractive girls gossip would be a regular, but no, nothing happens here and we know no one. I don't mean to be pessemistic, but I'm trying to convey to those abroad what it's like to be around everyone right now. All the parents I know are depressed about their children growing up, the children are depressed about growing up, and...I just want it to be christmas. There's something about baby Jesus that is very comforting...maybe it's his swaddling clothes. Ooooo! Sarah Mclachlan's Full of Grace. Truly depressing song that was on Buffy at the end of a season finale after something really bad happened. Perfect.
I wish I could make everyone feel better, but all anyone can do is listen. I wish I could write something funnier, but with the lack of much going on it'd hard to write about something funny, especially when I'm feeling sad too. The other day Ellyn and I were listening to Far Away by Ingrid Michaelson and she said, "This is how I feel." I agreed. Where we are right now seems dull and sad and makes me want to cry, so why would I want to stay in a seasonless Rochester with a bunch of depressed people? But, I do kind of adore Rochester, it is home, I do love it. I just wish I could move everyone to a beautiful, mild Italian town. It would be everyone from Winter Camping, plus anyone else who wanted to come. The world would be truly quiet there and everyone would have a job they loved, and we would live in the center of a large garden, but the garden would be untidy and wild, and beautiful. Maggie and Andrew could get married in the garden, and my dad could marry them. Ellyn and Zack would get married too, but they would be married in the winter, inside, next to a raging fire that could only burn as long as they loved each other. Carolyn would live with a boy named Spencer in a farm next store. She would be the pastor at the local church and we would all help her farm. And her, Hannah, Shari, and whoever else wanted of course, would cook everybody big beautiful feasts of delicious homegrown food.
I would have a room to myself, the shelves would be covered in books. History, novels, encyclopedias, beautiful picture books, and lots and lots of fairy tales. There would be a desk in the room and I would spend my days writing and reading, with a view that looked over the gardens. And in the evenings, when everyone had finished dinner, Gracie would sing for us, accompanied by Carolyn on the piano, and everyone would perform as well.
My most secret indulgence in this paradise is this: In the room across the hall would be Natalie as I remember her most fondly, her hair undyed and cut in a bob. She would be painting with her mother, painting the gardens and the farm, the church and every room in the house. I would visit with them and Colette would make me and my mother coffee, in the bowls just like she used to. They would not bad mouth anyone, the problem is, it's hard to imagine them not doing that within five minutes of being around them.
At the church that I spoke about earlier Sandra would play the organ, and Margie would sing in the praise choir. Holly would have a fiancee, I don't know who, but so would Leah. And Julia would have someone too, though I don't know what we would find to talk about if she ever did find a boy.
Oh, and Forrest would have a farm too. I don't know who he'll be with, maybe he'll just farm with his dad. Maybe Carolyn will be dairy and he'll be veggies. Holly can keep the chickens. And Avi and Rafi will join a fabulous traveling circus and we will only see them on weekends, when they return form their travels. And Caitlin will travel too, with a dancing troup, she will play all the leads and be the known as the most graceful ballerina that ever Italy did see.
Ian and Erin will get married and she will laugh at how he loves math and love him for it, and he will love her for the way she puts words on a page in a way he can not. And Emily will marry Toby Wolfe and spend her days staring into his eyes, thinking that they are the sky.
I could go on for days describing this, I really could. This is how you all are in my mind, forever in some perfect plotline, each matched up like cards in a memory game, not one piece of the puzzle without a place. Tomorrow we can move to the carribean, and the day after that to Prague. Since their is nothing I can do to lift this spell of gloominess, at least I can pretend we are somewhere far away and that we are all together.
(Disclaimer: I do realize that not everyone I know is depressed. I do hope you can't all deny that there is a gloomy feel around. Maybe it is just because Ellyn drives me everywhere. Or maybe it's because I ton a people went to college. Or maybe it's because I have a crap scheduale. Or because I have a job. Or because it's fall. Or because I'm reading about Marilyn Monroe. Or because the summer was kind of a let down as well. Or because of the news. Or because of my lack of sleep. Or because I have to work tomorrow. Or because I'm thirsty. Or because Grey's Anatomy really depressed me with last seasons finale. Or because Project Runway took such a long break. Or because a lot of crap seems to have happened recently to people I know. Or because I'm afraid my cat is mad at me for accidently hitting her head against the table when I picked her up. Or because I'm just writing this disclaimer because I'm paranoid that people will tell me I'm just depressed and to get a life. Or...oh make me stop!!!)
I wish I could make everyone feel better, but all anyone can do is listen. I wish I could write something funnier, but with the lack of much going on it'd hard to write about something funny, especially when I'm feeling sad too. The other day Ellyn and I were listening to Far Away by Ingrid Michaelson and she said, "This is how I feel." I agreed. Where we are right now seems dull and sad and makes me want to cry, so why would I want to stay in a seasonless Rochester with a bunch of depressed people? But, I do kind of adore Rochester, it is home, I do love it. I just wish I could move everyone to a beautiful, mild Italian town. It would be everyone from Winter Camping, plus anyone else who wanted to come. The world would be truly quiet there and everyone would have a job they loved, and we would live in the center of a large garden, but the garden would be untidy and wild, and beautiful. Maggie and Andrew could get married in the garden, and my dad could marry them. Ellyn and Zack would get married too, but they would be married in the winter, inside, next to a raging fire that could only burn as long as they loved each other. Carolyn would live with a boy named Spencer in a farm next store. She would be the pastor at the local church and we would all help her farm. And her, Hannah, Shari, and whoever else wanted of course, would cook everybody big beautiful feasts of delicious homegrown food.
I would have a room to myself, the shelves would be covered in books. History, novels, encyclopedias, beautiful picture books, and lots and lots of fairy tales. There would be a desk in the room and I would spend my days writing and reading, with a view that looked over the gardens. And in the evenings, when everyone had finished dinner, Gracie would sing for us, accompanied by Carolyn on the piano, and everyone would perform as well.
My most secret indulgence in this paradise is this: In the room across the hall would be Natalie as I remember her most fondly, her hair undyed and cut in a bob. She would be painting with her mother, painting the gardens and the farm, the church and every room in the house. I would visit with them and Colette would make me and my mother coffee, in the bowls just like she used to. They would not bad mouth anyone, the problem is, it's hard to imagine them not doing that within five minutes of being around them.
At the church that I spoke about earlier Sandra would play the organ, and Margie would sing in the praise choir. Holly would have a fiancee, I don't know who, but so would Leah. And Julia would have someone too, though I don't know what we would find to talk about if she ever did find a boy.
Oh, and Forrest would have a farm too. I don't know who he'll be with, maybe he'll just farm with his dad. Maybe Carolyn will be dairy and he'll be veggies. Holly can keep the chickens. And Avi and Rafi will join a fabulous traveling circus and we will only see them on weekends, when they return form their travels. And Caitlin will travel too, with a dancing troup, she will play all the leads and be the known as the most graceful ballerina that ever Italy did see.
Ian and Erin will get married and she will laugh at how he loves math and love him for it, and he will love her for the way she puts words on a page in a way he can not. And Emily will marry Toby Wolfe and spend her days staring into his eyes, thinking that they are the sky.
I could go on for days describing this, I really could. This is how you all are in my mind, forever in some perfect plotline, each matched up like cards in a memory game, not one piece of the puzzle without a place. Tomorrow we can move to the carribean, and the day after that to Prague. Since their is nothing I can do to lift this spell of gloominess, at least I can pretend we are somewhere far away and that we are all together.
(Disclaimer: I do realize that not everyone I know is depressed. I do hope you can't all deny that there is a gloomy feel around. Maybe it is just because Ellyn drives me everywhere. Or maybe it's because I ton a people went to college. Or maybe it's because I have a crap scheduale. Or because I have a job. Or because it's fall. Or because I'm reading about Marilyn Monroe. Or because the summer was kind of a let down as well. Or because of the news. Or because of my lack of sleep. Or because I have to work tomorrow. Or because I'm thirsty. Or because Grey's Anatomy really depressed me with last seasons finale. Or because Project Runway took such a long break. Or because a lot of crap seems to have happened recently to people I know. Or because I'm afraid my cat is mad at me for accidently hitting her head against the table when I picked her up. Or because I'm just writing this disclaimer because I'm paranoid that people will tell me I'm just depressed and to get a life. Or...oh make me stop!!!)