come and catch me baby, i need to feel loved
i'm absolutely shattered. have spent all day walking round the whole of manchester. found out today it is even bigger than i previously thought. don't think i've walked so much even on one of neil's missions. have filled out an application form at a few bars and restaurants and some of them seemed a bit more positive about getting back to me than the general vibe i've had so far. also have an interview to be part of the staff at the MEN arena when there are concerts on etc. will involve general bar and catering duties and apparently you can work as much or as little as you like so that will fit in nicely with uni, going to bristol for weekends and any other job i'm lucky enough to get. but anyway despite how tiring its been and how soul destroying it feels to get told to "do one" by place after place after place it has kept me busy, made me feel pretty pro-active and generally stopped me crying so i can't complain too much.
have managed to get a bit of money off a mate by selling him some cds (my poor, beautiful cds) and when i got in there was a letter from jorge's mum (already!) with a cheque for £50 in it. her note with it was so nice, brought back quite a bit of yesterday's emotional-ness and i still feel fucking low for having to accept it but i'm trying not to dwell on that too much.
last night i got woken up at 2am by a phone call off jorge. i say woken up...i hadn't actually realised i'd gone to sleep. was flat out on top of my bed, fully clothed, light still on, cd still playing...so it appears that bottle of cheap wine served its purpose.
it was such a nice phone call. he was being even sweeter than before which i probably need to thank the 8 pints he claimed he'd drunk. i was like "you've had EIGHT pints?! where are you?! let me call an ambulance!! are you still breathing!?" seeing as two is usually his limit. but anyway his mates had gone into the king of all chav clubs and they tried to appease him by requesting "silence" to be played but when the dj put on a horrifyingly cheesy version and only played about 30 secs of it he said it just made it even more painful and insulting, so he left. therefore when he rang me he was sat somewhere outside waitinf for them to come out so he could get a taxi home. bless. we had a joint rant about how having to go to such places just because your mates like them really isn't great.
he said that whilst he'd been out with his mates they'd asked if i was out with them that night and he'd been like "um, seeing as she's in manchester..." but that they'd gone on to say how they thought i was amazing without him doing any prompting. hearing that is just...well, it means alot. i know how important his mates are to jorge and how he really wants me to get on with them and vice versa. when we were clubbing in london i came over all emotional when he told me that his best mate james had a proper serious talk with him about me and said something along the lines of, "i don't know where the fuck you found someone as brilliant as her, but bloody hold onto her!" i'd always thought james was pretty class but after that...awww james!
then we got talking about my current emotional and financial hole. he said as soon as he'd got off the phone to me that afternoon he'd rung our house phone in the hope of talking to either clare, chloe or charlie. i was like "eh!?" but he said he wasn't ringing for any other reason than the fact that he just wanted to do something. he was like "when you're crying on the phone, i can't handle it. hearing you so upset its awful. its bad enough when i'm with you...but when i know you're sat on your own...i have to do something about it". and awwww *wipes tear* he sounded so choked up when he said that. he went on and on saying "you're so amazing, and you work so hard for everything and you're just the best person...you really don't deserve this...i hate that you're having a shit time because you deserve the best" and he actually said it was making him well up just saying it....which of course made me go a bit wobbly for a while too.
and there were plenty of parts to the conversation where we were both just like "i love you so much...i wish i was cuddling you right now" etc etc. and its things like that, that no matter how shit it all is, can just eclipse everything.
he says he's going to try come up sunday/monday just because he doesn't want to be down in bristol whilst i'm having a bit of a low time of it all...and like i said before if he can't make it because of his new job or whatever, it really doesn't matter because him wanting to and for the reasons he gave is more than enough right now. this time next week i'll be with him anyway. thats something i can definitely hold onto no matter what the bank/life decides to hit me with in the mean time.
anyway like i said, i'm shattered. time for a much needed nap before i have to get up to pick becky up from the coach station. jorge said he was really glad becky was coming up to see me this weekend because he knows how much i think of her. he was like "i feel a bit better about it all knowing she'll be there to pick you up as well as your housemates". i'm so excited about seeing her again and hopefully i've scraped together just enough to see us through this weekend. true i'll be left fucked over once the weekend is done but one step at a time and all that eh? at least after that i'm back home to do some lifeguard training and following that its down to bristol for most of reading week if i can manage it. i don't want this to be all anti-manchester because its not like that at all. every day i'm here i'm glad of being in such an amazing place with so many amazing people its just that with it comes the whole self-sufficient thing and i'm holding my hands up and saying i need a break from that for a bit...or at the very least, a nice hug.
so yeah, i'm doing better. trying not to look at the big bleak picture. smaller, more managable chunks of time are better. plus like i said, all of this nice stuff is helping me put a bit of a barrier up. its difficult to cry when you've got stuff that makes you smile like an idiot.
thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last entry. it means alot that you don't just spit on me like the lovely people at barclays do. you're all absolute stars.
have managed to get a bit of money off a mate by selling him some cds (my poor, beautiful cds) and when i got in there was a letter from jorge's mum (already!) with a cheque for £50 in it. her note with it was so nice, brought back quite a bit of yesterday's emotional-ness and i still feel fucking low for having to accept it but i'm trying not to dwell on that too much.
last night i got woken up at 2am by a phone call off jorge. i say woken up...i hadn't actually realised i'd gone to sleep. was flat out on top of my bed, fully clothed, light still on, cd still playing...so it appears that bottle of cheap wine served its purpose.
it was such a nice phone call. he was being even sweeter than before which i probably need to thank the 8 pints he claimed he'd drunk. i was like "you've had EIGHT pints?! where are you?! let me call an ambulance!! are you still breathing!?" seeing as two is usually his limit. but anyway his mates had gone into the king of all chav clubs and they tried to appease him by requesting "silence" to be played but when the dj put on a horrifyingly cheesy version and only played about 30 secs of it he said it just made it even more painful and insulting, so he left. therefore when he rang me he was sat somewhere outside waitinf for them to come out so he could get a taxi home. bless. we had a joint rant about how having to go to such places just because your mates like them really isn't great.
he said that whilst he'd been out with his mates they'd asked if i was out with them that night and he'd been like "um, seeing as she's in manchester..." but that they'd gone on to say how they thought i was amazing without him doing any prompting. hearing that is just...well, it means alot. i know how important his mates are to jorge and how he really wants me to get on with them and vice versa. when we were clubbing in london i came over all emotional when he told me that his best mate james had a proper serious talk with him about me and said something along the lines of, "i don't know where the fuck you found someone as brilliant as her, but bloody hold onto her!" i'd always thought james was pretty class but after that...awww james!
then we got talking about my current emotional and financial hole. he said as soon as he'd got off the phone to me that afternoon he'd rung our house phone in the hope of talking to either clare, chloe or charlie. i was like "eh!?" but he said he wasn't ringing for any other reason than the fact that he just wanted to do something. he was like "when you're crying on the phone, i can't handle it. hearing you so upset its awful. its bad enough when i'm with you...but when i know you're sat on your own...i have to do something about it". and awwww *wipes tear* he sounded so choked up when he said that. he went on and on saying "you're so amazing, and you work so hard for everything and you're just the best person...you really don't deserve this...i hate that you're having a shit time because you deserve the best" and he actually said it was making him well up just saying it....which of course made me go a bit wobbly for a while too.
and there were plenty of parts to the conversation where we were both just like "i love you so much...i wish i was cuddling you right now" etc etc. and its things like that, that no matter how shit it all is, can just eclipse everything.
he says he's going to try come up sunday/monday just because he doesn't want to be down in bristol whilst i'm having a bit of a low time of it all...and like i said before if he can't make it because of his new job or whatever, it really doesn't matter because him wanting to and for the reasons he gave is more than enough right now. this time next week i'll be with him anyway. thats something i can definitely hold onto no matter what the bank/life decides to hit me with in the mean time.
anyway like i said, i'm shattered. time for a much needed nap before i have to get up to pick becky up from the coach station. jorge said he was really glad becky was coming up to see me this weekend because he knows how much i think of her. he was like "i feel a bit better about it all knowing she'll be there to pick you up as well as your housemates". i'm so excited about seeing her again and hopefully i've scraped together just enough to see us through this weekend. true i'll be left fucked over once the weekend is done but one step at a time and all that eh? at least after that i'm back home to do some lifeguard training and following that its down to bristol for most of reading week if i can manage it. i don't want this to be all anti-manchester because its not like that at all. every day i'm here i'm glad of being in such an amazing place with so many amazing people its just that with it comes the whole self-sufficient thing and i'm holding my hands up and saying i need a break from that for a bit...or at the very least, a nice hug.
so yeah, i'm doing better. trying not to look at the big bleak picture. smaller, more managable chunks of time are better. plus like i said, all of this nice stuff is helping me put a bit of a barrier up. its difficult to cry when you've got stuff that makes you smile like an idiot.
thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last entry. it means alot that you don't just spit on me like the lovely people at barclays do. you're all absolute stars.