For those who wish to know...
One would imagine that now that I've got my degree, I'm happy. That life has suddenly become peachy. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I am panicked, I am alone, and I am completely miserable and feel mildly forsaken.
I'm in a frenzy because I have to take the GRE very soon in order to apply for grad school down here. There's math on it, and I haven't done anything math-related since age 16. There are also two analytical writing sections, which will probably eat my soul. If I do pass get in to grad school, I'm going to have to get an assistantship, where I'll be teaching a couple of sections of low-level classes.
I feel as though I'm completely alone because of what two friends I considered I have down in Louisiana, one is in Prague right now. The other I barely talk to, and he's usually got better things to do. He's finally approaching happiness, even though he never really had to work for it. Lucky bastard, I'm tired of straining my psyche trying to figure things out. I can't medicate the demons out of me. I can't chemically chase them out. Drugs only make me more introspective. I should just accept that I just don't fucking belong here and do something about it. Like I've been pussying out on doing for YEARS.
But I can't seem to--for the life of me--find anyone else to hang around where I don't feel awkward or useless. All of my friends inhabit this fucking death box, and I'm sick of it. I want real friends for once in my life, and I want people in the real world who actually can know me entirely to acknowledge my presence as more than the long-haired freak over there. There's nothing meaningful to do down here, and I am extremely bored with my life.
And to further shit on my cake, what friends I have back up in Boston are pestering me about visiting them for Halloween. This puts me in a dreadful position, because I'd love nothing more than to get the fuck out of this void. But plane tickets cost money. And I had enough of people pleading against reason and half-demanding that I go meet them that I said "why the hell don't you come down HERE?" I was immediately blasted for that, because you know, they don't have enough money for that and are getting ready for college or something.
Because I'm not trying to get into grad school or anything. Disingenuous fucks.
...guess I'm alone. Why won't you fucking death-box inhabitants just let me leave, already?
I am panicked, I am alone, and I am completely miserable and feel mildly forsaken.
I'm in a frenzy because I have to take the GRE very soon in order to apply for grad school down here. There's math on it, and I haven't done anything math-related since age 16. There are also two analytical writing sections, which will probably eat my soul. If I do pass get in to grad school, I'm going to have to get an assistantship, where I'll be teaching a couple of sections of low-level classes.
I feel as though I'm completely alone because of what two friends I considered I have down in Louisiana, one is in Prague right now. The other I barely talk to, and he's usually got better things to do. He's finally approaching happiness, even though he never really had to work for it. Lucky bastard, I'm tired of straining my psyche trying to figure things out. I can't medicate the demons out of me. I can't chemically chase them out. Drugs only make me more introspective. I should just accept that I just don't fucking belong here and do something about it. Like I've been pussying out on doing for YEARS.
But I can't seem to--for the life of me--find anyone else to hang around where I don't feel awkward or useless. All of my friends inhabit this fucking death box, and I'm sick of it. I want real friends for once in my life, and I want people in the real world who actually can know me entirely to acknowledge my presence as more than the long-haired freak over there. There's nothing meaningful to do down here, and I am extremely bored with my life.
And to further shit on my cake, what friends I have back up in Boston are pestering me about visiting them for Halloween. This puts me in a dreadful position, because I'd love nothing more than to get the fuck out of this void. But plane tickets cost money. And I had enough of people pleading against reason and half-demanding that I go meet them that I said "why the hell don't you come down HERE?" I was immediately blasted for that, because you know, they don't have enough money for that and are getting ready for college or something.
Because I'm not trying to get into grad school or anything. Disingenuous fucks.
...guess I'm alone. Why won't you fucking death-box inhabitants just let me leave, already?