dammit = (
I don't know what to think. I really don't. What he told me tonight was something I never expected to have to hear from him. I understand that we weren't technically together yet, but he was still doing things with me already and sleeping in my bed with me. Little whore. I feel so sick now that I'm sober, not that I didn't before. It's just worse now, and I can't sleep because of it. You know i wasn't in the right state of mind when you chose to tell me that. It fucking took you long enough too. I've gotten to the point that i'm usually sober too. Which is in big part thanks to you. I don't like being burnt out all the time. I like remembering things. I like actually wanting to get off the couch and do something. You've done so much for me. I had so much trust in you. Now I really don't know what to believe. And it had to be someone we both knew too, didn't it? Someone that I liked and got along with. I don't even know but a hand full of people from up there. Why couldn't you have done it with someone I don't know and never see. Not someone I see and get hugs from when I'm at the one place that I'm fucking happy.
I don't understand why you thought it'd be a good idea to tell me the things you did after that. Yeah, so they were what I wanted to hear. They're what every girl wants to hear. I'm not fucking stupid and I know you're not either, so I can't help but think that it was nothing more than normal male bullshit you're feeding me to make it so i'm not as mad. it worked briefly, but part of it was your intoxicated timing. I really wish it wasn't, and if you're telling the truth, i wish there was someway i could know.
I feel so bad about righting this. I'd normally write it in my paper journal, but I had planned on him reading that so he could understand me better. I know nobody actually reads this thing, it's been a year or so since i'd put anything up here, and if anyone cares enough to check it now, they must have a reason too and i don't care if they know. It's all really embarrassing. I just don't want him to see this. I know he feel bad enough, even though part of me just wants to kick him in the nuts and spit in his face. I feel so betrayed right now, i really don't know what to do or think. Like i already said, it was at the beginning of our relationship. i wish it didn't count. we technically weren't "going out" yet. but to be doing the things with me he was, it has to count. It's not possible that I can think of it any other way.
I really hope i learn to trust him again. I really do love him. I just feel stupid for thinking that now. It's just so much easier being naive.
I don't understand why you thought it'd be a good idea to tell me the things you did after that. Yeah, so they were what I wanted to hear. They're what every girl wants to hear. I'm not fucking stupid and I know you're not either, so I can't help but think that it was nothing more than normal male bullshit you're feeding me to make it so i'm not as mad. it worked briefly, but part of it was your intoxicated timing. I really wish it wasn't, and if you're telling the truth, i wish there was someway i could know.
I feel so bad about righting this. I'd normally write it in my paper journal, but I had planned on him reading that so he could understand me better. I know nobody actually reads this thing, it's been a year or so since i'd put anything up here, and if anyone cares enough to check it now, they must have a reason too and i don't care if they know. It's all really embarrassing. I just don't want him to see this. I know he feel bad enough, even though part of me just wants to kick him in the nuts and spit in his face. I feel so betrayed right now, i really don't know what to do or think. Like i already said, it was at the beginning of our relationship. i wish it didn't count. we technically weren't "going out" yet. but to be doing the things with me he was, it has to count. It's not possible that I can think of it any other way.
I really hope i learn to trust him again. I really do love him. I just feel stupid for thinking that now. It's just so much easier being naive.