PSL: Never Say Lie

[radicalliars]

He's letting that sink in, that Cal would have fired him if he'd taken the check, shifting the blame away from the electronics company, onto a father that was just trying to get to his daughter that slipped on the ice. There's something that catches his breath about this, the way that Cal switches in one beat from yelling at him for losing the

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[facs_lightman]

He was just about to turn and walk away, but something on Eli's face catches his attention and stops him in his tracks. But then it's gone, because Eli turns away fast, he's forcing himself to change, go neutral, go to anything else, and it's gone. He's seen it there before, that same look. That's the part that's maddening sometimes, that drives him to push too hard because seeing something and knowing what it means are two different things.

"Hey," he says, aiming his finger at Eli again, "What was that?" he moves close in that way that he does, side to side like he's edging in as close as he can, and stares up into Eli's face. He can get that look back if he shakes him, if he ruffles him enough to get the neutral shell to break away.

[radicalliars]

He's trying to stay neutral, clinging to it like his life depends on it as Cal points at him, and then he's moving in close, side to side, like he's trying to ruffle him. Eli can't help the way he swallows hard, even knowing that it betrays emotion, but Cal is so close, looking up at him as if he's trying to tear him apart. Eli steps back, but there's no room, nowhere to go, and he ends up with only gaining a half-step and he's pressed against the edge of his desk, and Cal is still too close for comfort.

"Nothing," but it's a lie, obvious, because he can't do this. Not right on the heels of that feeling he's still trying to hide, ducking his head and trying to look away. He wants to get away but there's nowhere to run.

[facs_lightman]

Maybe he wants it to be something. He wonders that sometimes, at other times he sees that look in moments like these. Maybe the confused mix of feelings he has for Eli influence what he sees. Can he even call them feelings? It's interest, it's attraction, but it's more than that. It nags at him around the edges, it's why he wants more from Eli, why he wants to push him. Not because he wants to hone him into the most useful tool he can become, but because he wants to see what he's really made of. If he's really worth wanting. Every time he pushes, he's afraid Eli will show him something he doesn't want to see, and sometimes he does. Sometimes his decisions are bad. That one time

[radicalliars]

He regrets what happened with the SEC. Mostly, he regrets lying to Cal and Foster, dragging Torres in to the middle of what was his mess. He got scared. Terrified of losing this feeling that means too much. He still thinks that hiding the truth to play ball with a scumbag wasn't the right way to do things, either. But, he didn't really have a plan, a way to fix it. Going to the SEC directly like that had been juvenile, lying had been worse

[facs_lightman]

Eli looks terrified. The times he's looked genuinely afraid, Cal can count on the fingers of one hand and have change. Nervous is different, he often looks nervous around Cal, like he's afraid of being caught fucking up. This is fear, like he's hiding something so desperately important that he's afraid to change expressions for fear of letting it slip.

"Sure you can," he says, voice low in the darkness of the lab and the space between them, and he applies pressure against Loker's forehead, enough that Loker has to be leaning into it to not be moving, and then he pulls away. He's still fucking with him, hoping to catch him off guard, so that he'll sway forward and lose composure, so that something will slip. It's dirty pool, but it's the only game in town.

[radicalliars]

This is too close, too much, and there's nowhere to run. He'd always thought that he'd want to be one of the riddles that Cal chases with such insatiable curiosity, but he'd never thought it would be about this, about the one thing he'd always tried to hide. He's not good at hiding things, but this is desperate

[facs_lightman]

Something. Something was there, he knows because now Eli's searching to see if Cal had seen it. Eli knows he let it slip but he still won't say what he's hiding, what that look is about. His lip curls in frustration and he brings his hands up to get Eli's hands off of him, forearms catching Eli's wrists in a burst of force that gets them away, and then he gives another push, one that threatens to knock him back over the desk, but it's not hard so much as it's sudden.

"I can see it… there," he points, swirling his finger, searching through the air, grand motions as he does. Not seconds after he's said it, Eli's looking away, and Cal sighs loudly and claps a hand against his cheek and draws his face back to center and holds it between his hands so he can't look away. "What are you hiding?"

What if it's nothing? What if it's nothing to do with what he thinks it is, just something mundane, and Cal just wants it to be something more, something between them? Eli's not the only one in a vulnerable position here.

[radicalliars]

It's too much, the see-sawing, the way that Cal just keeps pressing, knocking his hands away, shoving him. He can see it, but doesn't know what it means, he's got hands against Eli's face, holding him so that he can't move. Asking what he's hiding, and it's too much, he breaks under the strain. He doesn't even think about it, because Cal's pulled away everything, for just that moment.

He leans forward in his hands, enough to press their lips together. It's soft, sweet, sentimental. It's not fast or hard or rough or deep like it would be if what he was hiding was just sexual, just the desire that he's almost certain Cal has caught once or twice. Certain signs are involuntary; dilated pupils, heart rate, warmed skin. He lingers for a moment, close, their lips just barely touching, and then it all catches up to him, hits him so hard he loses his breath.

His eyes go wide, and there's a flicker of fear that builds until it's too much, until he's jerking away, trying to get away. Out of the office, anywhere.

[facs_lightman]

The kiss caught him off guard. He really wasn't expecting that. He'd been expecting… he wasn't sure. Maybe something more about the case, something he'd been keeping to himself, something that might make him take back what he'd said about this being his contribution to the firm, the closest thing to a compliment he'd given Eli in a long time. The attraction… that was clear enough, here and there when he caught it, but it wasn't enough to go by. He saw it in Torres, too, in Gillian at times. It happened to everyone sometimes, and it had happened to Cal, too

[radicalliars]

His heart is pounding, and god, there's a part of him that wants to stop, wants to kiss him again, because soft and brief as it was, Eli's still tingling from the feel of it. His body feels hot, his face is flushed, his eyes glassy and he has to get out, get outside, away from this. He almost feels lightheaded from it, but he can't believe he was that stupid, that he actually kissed him. He's in love with him, and he had accepted that was his dirty little secret, but know Cal knows and Eli doesn't know how to deal with that

[facs_lightman]

Cal catches up to him at the elevator. Eli's got none of his things, maybe has his keys in his pocket if that, and he's standing with shoulders hunched, laying into the 'down' button.

"Hey," he says as he comes up behind him, long strides bringing him close fast. "I said get back here, not run off like a bloody coward…" he's leaning on offensive because he feels like he hasn't quite got control of the situation. Eli clearly doesn't have it, but Cal definitely doesn't, either. Eli kissed him. He liked it. Liked it and was following him. Why was he following him? He didn't need to know why, because that seemed obvious enough, especially given his reaction, flight. He was following him because he wanted a do-over.

And because he wanted to call him out on it now that he knew, now that Eli had given himself away.

[radicalliars]

He's caught, knew he was caught when he came to those silver elevator doors, but those footsteps, the sound of his voice cements it. The edge of offensive it actually reassuring, because it's so familiar. It's usual, could have been anything else that had made him run off, not because he's kissed him, because he was in love with Cal. He takes a breath, blinks his eyes and slowly turns, his blue eyes looking into Cal's hazels. He's nervous, afraid, biting his bottom lip as he looks at him.

"Didn't know what else to do," he admits softly, actually honest as he stands there. The elevator dings, slides open, but Eli ignores it until the doors slip closed again. He was committed since Cal caught him, since he turned around. There's a flutter of his eyelashes, things running behind his eyes that he's not saying. He's exposed, vulnerable, and he doesn't know what to say.

[facs_lightman]

"Well, you certainly had some idea what to do back there," he says, but it's not quite so hard, so on the offense as he has been up until now. Eli looks vulnerable, but he's still hiding, there's a look there like he's trying so hard to conceal... something more, like there are things he's not saying. Something deeper than just a kiss that said I don't just want to fuck you, I want to stay the night, I want to know you. And it did say all of that, and where the kiss failed the look in his eyes said the rest

[radicalliars]

"I shouldn't have-"

But he stops there, because there's a question that follows after, that's not aggressive, open-ended, and he looks at Cal, lips parted faintly in surprise. He takes a half-step in closer, so he can touch fingers against his jacket. Blue eyes looking into hazel as he tries to find words, an answer. The answer is there, on the tip of his tongue, so obvious it hurts.

"I want you."

It had been a lie, a smoke screen, to an extent, the radical-honest. He talked about not having anyone to fantasize about because there was. He talked about sex, because he was under-sexed, because he wanted more than sex. But he's had that so-called-truth stripped away for a while now, even if he has his paycheck back (some of it, anyway). And that makes it harder to lie here, now, when Cal is looking at him like he can see the pieces to the puzzle on his face.

"...I'm in love with you."

His gaze drops, a flutter of eyelashes, shy and timid and scared and it's not who he usually is, but this means too much. Has always meant too

[facs_lightman]

Cal's watching him, head just slightly tilted to the side and he's drinking it all in, watching his face and the surprise there, and how it turns to an answer so obvious that the pieces fall into place. This. It's been there the whole time, looks like this. Cal's seen them as they're drawn away, shut down, concealed from across the room or through the glass, the way Eli looks away when he sees that Cal can feel him watching. I'm in love with you isn't new, it's been on the back burner, quietly simmering, unnoticed because it was overshadowed by the radical honesty stunt

[radicalliars]

Eli steps back, his hands still lightly brushing against Cal's jacket, not quite letting go now that Cal's pulled this from him, this admittance, real honesty. Cal's agitated, and it makes his breath catch, because there's a part of him that likes this. Likes Cal when he's all sharp edges, and hawk-eyed gazes, pushing, pointing fingers. He's in his space, talking, and it's sharp, a little biting, and Eli's trying not to let on how much this gets to him