(no subject)
I never pay attention to this, but sometimes I always feel obligated to type something. And its usually about a problem or something thats been on my mind. I've noticed most of my entries haven't involved too many good things. It's kind of sad and I always end up blaming myself, and I realize things don't always go. It's life and I shouldn't let it get to me. But I guess people have their limits and it doesn't take very much for me to go break down on myself because I think I lack good qualities. I realize people think I'm a good person and they know I would never hurt them, especially if they're my friends. I just always think life shits on me way too much. I realize everyone has problems and they can handle them with no problems. I could never solve anything without calling for help or breaking down.
Too much has happened, and sometimes its nearly impossible for me to even take it. If you guys hadn't realize, I'm back at my mother's again because Tim's parents kicked me out, and this was months ago. I guess someone told them I smoked with you guys that one time and they weren't very happy. My parents found out and they made me feel even worst. Ever since then I couldn't find much comfort because the entire family treats me like a pot smoker, and that I'm going straight to "hell." My mom had an argument with my stepfather a few weeks later pointing out how much of a failure I am to him and that my younger brother is a failure. Now mainly he just picks on me about my life and everything.
I realize I can't be very happy here and I'm not. There's no way out of it. Only place I can actually seek any sanctuary is my brother's house or my grandparent's house. They don't think of me as a failure, they always told me that they're here for me even if I did something "stupid." I always wanted to blame you guys for me getting kicked out of Tim's house, but I can't do it. Theres no logical point in it. You guys had nothing to do with it. I've no one to blame. I guess I'm a "man" for not pinning the blame on anyone else.
My brother and his family make me feel happy no matter how depressed I would be. They realize how much pain I'm in living with people who wouldn't take anything I say seriously or treat me like garbage. Whenever I come home from work to see my stepfather, I just take a deep sigh and prepare for something unpleasant he's about to do to me. I try to get away from but seeing how I don't have a driver's license or a car or anything, I'm just very limited on traveling.
I found a letter from some place saying he has to pay a fine or could face some jail time. I don't know what kind of stupid scam he's involved in this time. I don't think I really have a thought on it at all. I keep thinking the worst that he's going to drag someone down with him if he's going to face some jail time. He really discourages the fact that I want to leave to Arizona to stay with my aunt. The only thing stopping me are my friends, but even thats not even working because I never see any of you guys anymore because I know you guys have your own business to deal with.
My mom notices I never go out anymore. I told her I don't have friends and I don't have much of a reason to go out anymore. She really encourages me to go to school to make some, but I since the whole being kicked out incident severed my ability to find a point to people, I just didn't bother. She only sees me going to work, coming home, and just doing things on my own. I don't see a point in meeting new people. Staying isolated from people just made me seem that I can live by myself and I can make it with just staying alone all the time. There's just too many things to deal with here.
My stepfather got really upset with my younger brother the other day because he had bought Condemned 2, which is one of those games that are just violent, gory, and pretty much anything you'd find in a Mature game. He threw a fit about it. He was trying to pin the blame on me and my cousin cause we're over 17 and we've the requirements to buy it. My brother argued that its an M rated game and only he'll only play it cause my younger brother(The 8 year old), happens to be into games like that. But he just goes on saying "Games are for everyone." He told him to take it back to the store. I wanted to jump in and say, "They're not for everyone, why do you think they have the fucking age labels on the front of the game? And what about you, Mr. Saint? I don't know if you noticed but you watching pretty violent movies like 300 and Planet Terror, and your son wants to watch them. Maybe I should take those movies back. You fucking fail it." But since I'm a wuss and anything that pisses him off will automatically get me kicked out of the house I decided to shut my mouth.
I try to defend my brothers even though they've no respect for me and my mother. They don't have much respect for me mainly because I've been a push over all my life and I'm as intimidating as a box full of kittens. I don't even know what to do with my life. I always think I've got it bad, but its not bad. I just exaggerate about everything cause I'm a pussy. It's been a long day.
Too much has happened, and sometimes its nearly impossible for me to even take it. If you guys hadn't realize, I'm back at my mother's again because Tim's parents kicked me out, and this was months ago. I guess someone told them I smoked with you guys that one time and they weren't very happy. My parents found out and they made me feel even worst. Ever since then I couldn't find much comfort because the entire family treats me like a pot smoker, and that I'm going straight to "hell." My mom had an argument with my stepfather a few weeks later pointing out how much of a failure I am to him and that my younger brother is a failure. Now mainly he just picks on me about my life and everything.
I realize I can't be very happy here and I'm not. There's no way out of it. Only place I can actually seek any sanctuary is my brother's house or my grandparent's house. They don't think of me as a failure, they always told me that they're here for me even if I did something "stupid." I always wanted to blame you guys for me getting kicked out of Tim's house, but I can't do it. Theres no logical point in it. You guys had nothing to do with it. I've no one to blame. I guess I'm a "man" for not pinning the blame on anyone else.
My brother and his family make me feel happy no matter how depressed I would be. They realize how much pain I'm in living with people who wouldn't take anything I say seriously or treat me like garbage. Whenever I come home from work to see my stepfather, I just take a deep sigh and prepare for something unpleasant he's about to do to me. I try to get away from but seeing how I don't have a driver's license or a car or anything, I'm just very limited on traveling.
I found a letter from some place saying he has to pay a fine or could face some jail time. I don't know what kind of stupid scam he's involved in this time. I don't think I really have a thought on it at all. I keep thinking the worst that he's going to drag someone down with him if he's going to face some jail time. He really discourages the fact that I want to leave to Arizona to stay with my aunt. The only thing stopping me are my friends, but even thats not even working because I never see any of you guys anymore because I know you guys have your own business to deal with.
My mom notices I never go out anymore. I told her I don't have friends and I don't have much of a reason to go out anymore. She really encourages me to go to school to make some, but I since the whole being kicked out incident severed my ability to find a point to people, I just didn't bother. She only sees me going to work, coming home, and just doing things on my own. I don't see a point in meeting new people. Staying isolated from people just made me seem that I can live by myself and I can make it with just staying alone all the time. There's just too many things to deal with here.
My stepfather got really upset with my younger brother the other day because he had bought Condemned 2, which is one of those games that are just violent, gory, and pretty much anything you'd find in a Mature game. He threw a fit about it. He was trying to pin the blame on me and my cousin cause we're over 17 and we've the requirements to buy it. My brother argued that its an M rated game and only he'll only play it cause my younger brother(The 8 year old), happens to be into games like that. But he just goes on saying "Games are for everyone." He told him to take it back to the store. I wanted to jump in and say, "They're not for everyone, why do you think they have the fucking age labels on the front of the game? And what about you, Mr. Saint? I don't know if you noticed but you watching pretty violent movies like 300 and Planet Terror, and your son wants to watch them. Maybe I should take those movies back. You fucking fail it." But since I'm a wuss and anything that pisses him off will automatically get me kicked out of the house I decided to shut my mouth.
I try to defend my brothers even though they've no respect for me and my mother. They don't have much respect for me mainly because I've been a push over all my life and I'm as intimidating as a box full of kittens. I don't even know what to do with my life. I always think I've got it bad, but its not bad. I just exaggerate about everything cause I'm a pussy. It's been a long day.