Retribution
I've come to this point in my life... 21 years old... no closer to any of my goals than I was 21 yrs. ago, ever a dreamer, but never a doer. I've spent my life developing what I feel are meaningful relationships. Trying to do my best to be a good guy, to be a good friend... to touch people, to motivate people to reach their goals. It took a conversation with a very close friend of mine recently to make me realize something. I'm all talk when it comes to anything I like to say I do or want to do. All my ideas, thoughts, concepts... anything I ever say I want to do, I don't do any of it. I have this story and that story... but do any of them have any words past the ideas in my head. No. I want to create these characters and those characters, but can any of those people who believe in me see them? No. Because as of yet they are still in my head. I'm a slacker... full of potential. But potential unused is a waste. And I can't seem to tap my potential. No wonder my best friend didn't believe in me... no wonder he had doubts that I would do anything with my ideas, because I never do. It made me feel kind of bad at first that he would think that all I was doing was puffin' a bunch of hot air, until I realized, he's 100% right, that's all I do. Nothing... Hot air... 21... And still no where. A pawn of my own fears of failure and my own overbearing self critisism. At least one thing is sure, I am my own problem. I just hate when these things hit me, and my body feels uncomfortable all over and I feel like I just want to give up... I can't give up, I just don't know how to move forward. I feel so synical lately, jealous, powerless... I'm not an artist, a writer, anything... until you see a book I wrote, or an illustration of mine in print, remember, I am nothing. Don't listen to my dream filled garbage. I have done nothing worthy of note to date. And until I do, don't listen to a word I say about my creative endevours. Because it's all hot air. It's all a waste. I'm a dreamer not a doer, I help other people dream, I've been known to "inspire", but that is the extent. And as of late I can't even inspire... because I am such a downer, I feel like everytime I talk to a friend of mine I just bring them down with my self loathing and anger. And most of all I can't find inspiration for myself. And people who know me should know... I can't live with working a 9-5 40 hr. a week job doing something I hate... If that day comes I don't know what I will do. I just know it can't be good... I'm so weak. I pray that God would help me... everytime I sit down to draw or write I pray for skill and guidance... but I'm still waiting. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe God has forsaken me, I will fulfill my piece in his scheme, I have no doubt of that.
- RDX
My finishing note: All the people who read my journal, forgive me for my failures toward you. I don't need sympathy... I just need to set the record straight. I am not a success at any of my endevours, I'm sick of thinking that people think I am, because I'm not. I'm just another guy who is lost in life like many other people I know. I want to die successful with honor and integrity, though I must admit, somedays I hope that my number would come up sooner than later.
- RDX
My finishing note: All the people who read my journal, forgive me for my failures toward you. I don't need sympathy... I just need to set the record straight. I am not a success at any of my endevours, I'm sick of thinking that people think I am, because I'm not. I'm just another guy who is lost in life like many other people I know. I want to die successful with honor and integrity, though I must admit, somedays I hope that my number would come up sooner than later.