My little island of evil
Circles and cycles. I need to know that I come out of the process of my parent's divorce in tact. All boundaries have been obscured, emotional blades keep falling and responsibility is a word that carries the weight of my entire body with it.
I don't know how to maintain my stamina. I don't know how to maintain myself when the truth continues to be so malleable.
Is it wrong that I want to walk away? I want to leave it alone. I want to be availed of anymore drama. It has been a lifetime of heartache and I feel like the fragile one of the four who cannot take this endurance ride through hell. There are days that I hate being such a sensitive person. I wish I could fast-forward to the future where I have learned to set healthy boundaries and I no longer cower when I have needs.
I want to rewind and have parents who leave me out of their relationship with each other and my loved ones. I want parents who did not pathologize my sensitivities. I want parents who did not martyr their life to maintain a sense of my emotional equilibrium. I feel victimized. I feel wounded. I feel extremely tired.
Eric and I have our own family to care for and I keep trying to plug the holes where the drama pours in, but I am not fast enough. It feels like I am not strong enough to keep our family safe and whole.
I think of a life without my mother and I feel free. I keep dreaming that she has died and I keep waking up indifferent. What does this mean?! What does it mean to not want her in my life?
I asked her to go to counseling with me and to try and repair what have been our long-standing issues, but... I don't know if I can heal. I have spent a lifetime thinking that there is something wrong with me. It has been implied to me so many ways and to hear my mother tell me that she could have been happy... she would have left long ago if I would have been able to handle it. To hear the hear-say... to hear the things she has said about me. To hear that she called me crazy... that she said I was unstable... that I cannot stay on a topic... that my word cannot be relied on... that I am hurting my son by taking antidepressants... that I have been a burden to her for so many years. How do I recover? I fear all of these things to be true of myself. I have been scouring my inner world in therapy twice a week to find a taste of myself that is not sour.
And yet I fear that one word from my mother could bring my whole house of cards to the floor right now.
My grandmother said that my mother had shown me so much love and support in my life that she hoped I would not turn my back on her now.
What if I want to turn my back? I feel evil and selfish, but I want to live with a sense that I'm okay and I'm not sure I can have that AND a relationship with her.
I don't know how to maintain my stamina. I don't know how to maintain myself when the truth continues to be so malleable.
Is it wrong that I want to walk away? I want to leave it alone. I want to be availed of anymore drama. It has been a lifetime of heartache and I feel like the fragile one of the four who cannot take this endurance ride through hell. There are days that I hate being such a sensitive person. I wish I could fast-forward to the future where I have learned to set healthy boundaries and I no longer cower when I have needs.
I want to rewind and have parents who leave me out of their relationship with each other and my loved ones. I want parents who did not pathologize my sensitivities. I want parents who did not martyr their life to maintain a sense of my emotional equilibrium. I feel victimized. I feel wounded. I feel extremely tired.
Eric and I have our own family to care for and I keep trying to plug the holes where the drama pours in, but I am not fast enough. It feels like I am not strong enough to keep our family safe and whole.
I think of a life without my mother and I feel free. I keep dreaming that she has died and I keep waking up indifferent. What does this mean?! What does it mean to not want her in my life?
I asked her to go to counseling with me and to try and repair what have been our long-standing issues, but... I don't know if I can heal. I have spent a lifetime thinking that there is something wrong with me. It has been implied to me so many ways and to hear my mother tell me that she could have been happy... she would have left long ago if I would have been able to handle it. To hear the hear-say... to hear the things she has said about me. To hear that she called me crazy... that she said I was unstable... that I cannot stay on a topic... that my word cannot be relied on... that I am hurting my son by taking antidepressants... that I have been a burden to her for so many years. How do I recover? I fear all of these things to be true of myself. I have been scouring my inner world in therapy twice a week to find a taste of myself that is not sour.
And yet I fear that one word from my mother could bring my whole house of cards to the floor right now.
My grandmother said that my mother had shown me so much love and support in my life that she hoped I would not turn my back on her now.
What if I want to turn my back? I feel evil and selfish, but I want to live with a sense that I'm okay and I'm not sure I can have that AND a relationship with her.