Unwriting me
I'm not writing these days and I'm not sure what's going on beyond some of the obvious points of lack of time and the intimacy of my experience as of late.
The lithium didn't work out. Bah. For all that hype and excitement, it gave me terrible insomnia in a higher dose and the lower dose was not sufficient to keep the beasts at bay. So as it be, I'm trying risperdal now with pretty much zero results. Supposed to make me feel sedated. Nope. Supposed to help my anxiety... occasionally I want to choke the pill bottle and scream, "I'M STILL HERE AND I'M STILL THINKING!"
I just finished reading two outstanding books. One was a fictional flight through existential thought and dark comedy called "A Fraction of the Whole" set in Australia and the other was "An Unquiet Mind" written by a woman who suffered manic-depression and how she struggled to be and stay well while becoming a doctor of psychiatry. The latter infused me with the conviction to stay ON THE MEDS even when I personally think they are not helping me. It also helped inspire me to keep struggling even when I feel lost. I need to let someone with more objectivity decide that WITH me when medications are helpful or not... and patience, sweet patience, if you could just grace me more often then I know I would be alright while staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night.
Now that I'm not working at the toy store and Finn has started his new part-time, part-day daycare, I find myself feeling more balanced. I get to exercise, keep the house somewhat clean and play with Finn. It's a good gig and gives Finn the pre-preschool experience that he clearly craved. I've decided that while I'm having free time that I will fill it with some classes at the community college hoping to be inspired into a new career move. I saw a career counselor a long time ago who told me I would do well as a psychotherapist. I'm not sure how my temperament would do with the occupation, so I want to go slowly and consider other passions. Regardless of what I do, I know I want more school and possibly at the PhD level. I crave academia like chocolate and if that's not a directional sign, well then, I'm clearly lost.
Finn is brilliant and fabulous and I love him so tenderly. Still, we have our trying days... like today where he wanted to play non-stop and kept turning off NPR and grabbing my face to force my attention. Okkkkeeee then I start to get a little agitated and bored. Rainy days are tough when we decide to stay in and we've already made cookies, painted, role played, built a fort and had him help me with the sheets on the bed. ;)
Another huge milestone I've reached with Finn, besides his being fully weaned is that he's okay going to sleep with other people. The babysitter and my father have both succeeded. This has allowed Eric and I all kinds of new freedom. We have been happy to accept more evening plans and Eric is pleased that mom is not so absolutely essential to the bedtime picture.
Still, it's hard to let go and let your boy grow up. I'm stung by the sour of letting him become more independent and not need me while I'm swathed with the sweet of his passionate and kind personality... and honestly, my new found freedom. That sucker would be hard to give up again.
So, this is what comes of not writing. A rambly post. If you made it this far, thanks for checking in... and goodbye, Caroline, I'm going to miss you. <3
The lithium didn't work out. Bah. For all that hype and excitement, it gave me terrible insomnia in a higher dose and the lower dose was not sufficient to keep the beasts at bay. So as it be, I'm trying risperdal now with pretty much zero results. Supposed to make me feel sedated. Nope. Supposed to help my anxiety... occasionally I want to choke the pill bottle and scream, "I'M STILL HERE AND I'M STILL THINKING!"
I just finished reading two outstanding books. One was a fictional flight through existential thought and dark comedy called "A Fraction of the Whole" set in Australia and the other was "An Unquiet Mind" written by a woman who suffered manic-depression and how she struggled to be and stay well while becoming a doctor of psychiatry. The latter infused me with the conviction to stay ON THE MEDS even when I personally think they are not helping me. It also helped inspire me to keep struggling even when I feel lost. I need to let someone with more objectivity decide that WITH me when medications are helpful or not... and patience, sweet patience, if you could just grace me more often then I know I would be alright while staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night.
Now that I'm not working at the toy store and Finn has started his new part-time, part-day daycare, I find myself feeling more balanced. I get to exercise, keep the house somewhat clean and play with Finn. It's a good gig and gives Finn the pre-preschool experience that he clearly craved. I've decided that while I'm having free time that I will fill it with some classes at the community college hoping to be inspired into a new career move. I saw a career counselor a long time ago who told me I would do well as a psychotherapist. I'm not sure how my temperament would do with the occupation, so I want to go slowly and consider other passions. Regardless of what I do, I know I want more school and possibly at the PhD level. I crave academia like chocolate and if that's not a directional sign, well then, I'm clearly lost.
Finn is brilliant and fabulous and I love him so tenderly. Still, we have our trying days... like today where he wanted to play non-stop and kept turning off NPR and grabbing my face to force my attention. Okkkkeeee then I start to get a little agitated and bored. Rainy days are tough when we decide to stay in and we've already made cookies, painted, role played, built a fort and had him help me with the sheets on the bed. ;)
Another huge milestone I've reached with Finn, besides his being fully weaned is that he's okay going to sleep with other people. The babysitter and my father have both succeeded. This has allowed Eric and I all kinds of new freedom. We have been happy to accept more evening plans and Eric is pleased that mom is not so absolutely essential to the bedtime picture.
Still, it's hard to let go and let your boy grow up. I'm stung by the sour of letting him become more independent and not need me while I'm swathed with the sweet of his passionate and kind personality... and honestly, my new found freedom. That sucker would be hard to give up again.
So, this is what comes of not writing. A rambly post. If you made it this far, thanks for checking in... and goodbye, Caroline, I'm going to miss you. <3