The Dance of Anger... By Harriet Lerner
My therapist recommended this book to me and I just finished it:
http://catalog.kcls.org/search?/Ydance%20anger&SORT=D/Ydance%20anger&SORT=D&SUBKEY=dance%20anger/1%2C6%2C6%2CB/frameset&FF=Ydance%20anger&SORT=D&1%2C1%2C
It's a short book and easy to speed read if you have read other books on interpersonal relations. It transcends the self-help genre largely because it precedes it and Lerner's in-depth focus on the subject. There are plenty of real world examples of how anger plays out and I think what you get out of the book largely depends on your personal issues, but here's what I got:
1. I internalize my anger into sadness and focus it at myself.
2. I need to recognize anger cloked as sadness
3. Feeling angry does not mean that you do whatever knee-jerk reaction comes to mind. It's simply a message about how we are relating to our environment.
4. Changing patterns in relationships takes time, commitment and an awareness of how the other person is reacting to the change either consciously or subconsciously.
5. I tend to "overfunction" to compensate in relationships where I feel insecure and "underfunction" when I'm afraid of being judged. A good example might be how I might nervously make excuses for someone letting me down, compliment their jacket and then make fun of myself for needing to go home and be alone. (I'm embarrassed of how much quiet time I need.)
6. I'm TOTALLY SO GUILTY of playing mediator and peacekeeper in my family. This is the best take-away from the book for me. I'm in multiple family triangles where I'm playing adviser, healer, rescuer or intruder to THEIR relationship. The best advice she gave is to stop giving advice and stop trying to fix it. It's not my relationship to manage. The "we" I need to concern myself with is the you and me and not you and someone else.
7. It's okay to set a boundary even if it doesn't make sense to the other person. For example, "I need you to not call me on Tuesdays because Tuesdays are a no-phone-day for me right now. I understand you love to talk on Tuesdays, but I won't be able to answer anymore." ...or perhaps a better example, "I respect your advice, but I need to figure this out for myself right now so please don't critisize my choices right now."
8. I have the choice of what to do with my anger messages and when they require action or don't.
http://catalog.kcls.org/search?/Ydance%20anger&SORT=D/Ydance%20anger&SORT=D&SUBKEY=dance%20anger/1%2C6%2C6%2CB/frameset&FF=Ydance%20anger&SORT=D&1%2C1%2C
It's a short book and easy to speed read if you have read other books on interpersonal relations. It transcends the self-help genre largely because it precedes it and Lerner's in-depth focus on the subject. There are plenty of real world examples of how anger plays out and I think what you get out of the book largely depends on your personal issues, but here's what I got:
1. I internalize my anger into sadness and focus it at myself.
2. I need to recognize anger cloked as sadness
3. Feeling angry does not mean that you do whatever knee-jerk reaction comes to mind. It's simply a message about how we are relating to our environment.
4. Changing patterns in relationships takes time, commitment and an awareness of how the other person is reacting to the change either consciously or subconsciously.
5. I tend to "overfunction" to compensate in relationships where I feel insecure and "underfunction" when I'm afraid of being judged. A good example might be how I might nervously make excuses for someone letting me down, compliment their jacket and then make fun of myself for needing to go home and be alone. (I'm embarrassed of how much quiet time I need.)
6. I'm TOTALLY SO GUILTY of playing mediator and peacekeeper in my family. This is the best take-away from the book for me. I'm in multiple family triangles where I'm playing adviser, healer, rescuer or intruder to THEIR relationship. The best advice she gave is to stop giving advice and stop trying to fix it. It's not my relationship to manage. The "we" I need to concern myself with is the you and me and not you and someone else.
7. It's okay to set a boundary even if it doesn't make sense to the other person. For example, "I need you to not call me on Tuesdays because Tuesdays are a no-phone-day for me right now. I understand you love to talk on Tuesdays, but I won't be able to answer anymore." ...or perhaps a better example, "I respect your advice, but I need to figure this out for myself right now so please don't critisize my choices right now."
8. I have the choice of what to do with my anger messages and when they require action or don't.