I'm happy, but I'm not.
Is that clear enough for you? No? Well, let me see if I can explain.
I've got a job that pays my bills and leaves a little extra left over. I'm living with my boyfriend whom I love more than life itself, and I know he loves me too. Those two things right there make happy. However, the unhappiness that plagued me last year seems to be creeping up on me... It's that feeling of discontent with the state of things around me.
My family is dysfunctional and completely unable to get a long for more than 5 minutes without a fight breaking out. One person in particular seems to always be at the center of these earth-shattering events. It drives me insane that my family members can't put on their big girl and boy pants and just work it out like civilized human beings. Apparently, my dislike of confrontation and my willingness to compromise without making a huge deal out it makes me a genetic and behavioral anomaly in my family unit. Maybe this is what my dad is like when he's not on drugs...
My job, while I enjoy it to a certain extent, is just about as boring as watching paint dry 90% of the time. I love doing something that doesn't involve the medical or dental field, and I'm thinking of keeping it that way. Not that it matters right now, because in two months I'll be out of this job and moving to Utah, where I'll have to find another job. The idea of being out of a job again scares the hell out of me - completely freaks me out. In the midst of moving and being jobless, I'm trying to figure out what I really want to do in the sense of a career, and I don't really have an idea. And that really bothers me.
At home, things are more or less okay. I can't wait to live alone with Jon again; I adore Heather, but I prefer it just being Jon and I , just like I'm sure she'd rather not share living space with us. A good portion of my discontent with having a roommate is she's messy, which bugs the hell out of me. Particularly when she's leaving her dirty dishes everywhere and doesn't clean up after herself. Jon's messy enough that it drives me up the walls, though I don't voice it nearly as often as it bothers me - "pick your battles", and being a bit messy isn't something I need to battle about frequently. Still, the crazy side of me that I get from my mother wants things clean ALL THE TIME, and sometimes that part of me gets a little more obnoxious than usual. Like when I'm unhappy - I like to clean when I'm unhappy; it makes me feel accomplished and helps me burn off extra nervous energy. So right now, the messiness is really grating on my nerves.
Then there's Jon and I. I don't know if it's the fact that everyone around us seems to be getting married, or if it's my age catching up with me, or if it's just the girl in me, but I'm tired of just being in girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. We aren't even close to being able to afford a wedding, and there's still no engagement ring (which is currently on sale for super-cheap; figures, it would be on sale when we're saving whatever money we can get to move in July), but still... I really want it to be a little more, you know, permanent. I know it's just a piece of paper, legally binding us together, but recently that little piece of paper has more and more become something I want. And not just that piece of paper - a wedding as well. Something we absolutely cannot afford without putting ourselves into ridiculous debt, which we refuse to do.
So here I sit, content in some things and discontent in others. And I'm not sleeping at night, which tells me all of this stuff is weighing on mind heavier than I'm willing to admit out loud. I barely slept last night because I kept waking up with every little movement that he or I made, and as soon as I was a wake, my brain would start running at 90 miles an hour, thinking about any and all of these things. Maybe the lack of good sleep in the last month has worn down my resolve to not let these things bother me, and now I feel like I'm drowning in it.
So, to sum up:
The Good: my relationship is good, I make enough money to pay my bills, and I'm living with Jon.
The Bad: my family is shattered beyond repair, I can't wait to move to Utah where Jon and I will have our own space again, I'm freaking out about not having a job in a couple of months, and I wish we had enough money to have a wedding (or at least for me to get an engagement ring, that would make me feel better about not having a wedding for a while).
I know, the bad isn't really that bad... But sometimes it feels overwhelming. Right now is one of those times.
I've got a job that pays my bills and leaves a little extra left over. I'm living with my boyfriend whom I love more than life itself, and I know he loves me too. Those two things right there make happy. However, the unhappiness that plagued me last year seems to be creeping up on me... It's that feeling of discontent with the state of things around me.
My family is dysfunctional and completely unable to get a long for more than 5 minutes without a fight breaking out. One person in particular seems to always be at the center of these earth-shattering events. It drives me insane that my family members can't put on their big girl and boy pants and just work it out like civilized human beings. Apparently, my dislike of confrontation and my willingness to compromise without making a huge deal out it makes me a genetic and behavioral anomaly in my family unit. Maybe this is what my dad is like when he's not on drugs...
My job, while I enjoy it to a certain extent, is just about as boring as watching paint dry 90% of the time. I love doing something that doesn't involve the medical or dental field, and I'm thinking of keeping it that way. Not that it matters right now, because in two months I'll be out of this job and moving to Utah, where I'll have to find another job. The idea of being out of a job again scares the hell out of me - completely freaks me out. In the midst of moving and being jobless, I'm trying to figure out what I really want to do in the sense of a career, and I don't really have an idea. And that really bothers me.
At home, things are more or less okay. I can't wait to live alone with Jon again; I adore Heather, but I prefer it just being Jon and I , just like I'm sure she'd rather not share living space with us. A good portion of my discontent with having a roommate is she's messy, which bugs the hell out of me. Particularly when she's leaving her dirty dishes everywhere and doesn't clean up after herself. Jon's messy enough that it drives me up the walls, though I don't voice it nearly as often as it bothers me - "pick your battles", and being a bit messy isn't something I need to battle about frequently. Still, the crazy side of me that I get from my mother wants things clean ALL THE TIME, and sometimes that part of me gets a little more obnoxious than usual. Like when I'm unhappy - I like to clean when I'm unhappy; it makes me feel accomplished and helps me burn off extra nervous energy. So right now, the messiness is really grating on my nerves.
Then there's Jon and I. I don't know if it's the fact that everyone around us seems to be getting married, or if it's my age catching up with me, or if it's just the girl in me, but I'm tired of just being in girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. We aren't even close to being able to afford a wedding, and there's still no engagement ring (which is currently on sale for super-cheap; figures, it would be on sale when we're saving whatever money we can get to move in July), but still... I really want it to be a little more, you know, permanent. I know it's just a piece of paper, legally binding us together, but recently that little piece of paper has more and more become something I want. And not just that piece of paper - a wedding as well. Something we absolutely cannot afford without putting ourselves into ridiculous debt, which we refuse to do.
So here I sit, content in some things and discontent in others. And I'm not sleeping at night, which tells me all of this stuff is weighing on mind heavier than I'm willing to admit out loud. I barely slept last night because I kept waking up with every little movement that he or I made, and as soon as I was a wake, my brain would start running at 90 miles an hour, thinking about any and all of these things. Maybe the lack of good sleep in the last month has worn down my resolve to not let these things bother me, and now I feel like I'm drowning in it.
So, to sum up:
The Good: my relationship is good, I make enough money to pay my bills, and I'm living with Jon.
The Bad: my family is shattered beyond repair, I can't wait to move to Utah where Jon and I will have our own space again, I'm freaking out about not having a job in a couple of months, and I wish we had enough money to have a wedding (or at least for me to get an engagement ring, that would make me feel better about not having a wedding for a while).
I know, the bad isn't really that bad... But sometimes it feels overwhelming. Right now is one of those times.