(no subject)
i think there is a point in every persons life when they realize that nothing is ever going to be easy. when i wake up tomorrow morning, everything isnt just going to go away. i've got to deal with myself. its like reading a book with blank pages. why the hell keep looking when theres nothing to read? becuase you're writing the fucking story, idiot. what if i dont want to write the story anymore? you dont have a fucking choice.
I am an 18 year old girl who is really fucking afraid to grow up.
did i fuck up my chances way back freshman year? no, cant be. cant be some little 14 year old fucked up her life over some weed. nah.
too bad its a very real possibilty.
what about all those kids, those fuckers who do the IB program? those kids...they're going places. even if they have no idea what theyre doing, its alright. because they have the determination and motivation.
i go to middle college. can that even be considered high school? im going to a community college with the hopes of transfering out. changing from who i am now to a responsible adult will be the hardest thing i've ever done. i quit my job becuase i didnt like my new boss. no one liked him. but i had to be a hardass and quit. way to go, amanda. now you dont have a job or any money. and all those other fuckers who hated him just as much as you and deicded to eat his shit, well. they get a nice fat check every god damn week.
but, what the fuck. im supposed to waste my time taking shit from some guy cause he thinks hes something fucking special? im supposed to value my happiness on the amount of money that gets put in my fucking bank account?
theres a boy. that i love. but he breaks my heart almost every day. is that part of a relationship? am i supposed to deal with this for right now? is it supposed to be alot better later?
or am i wasting my time tied down to him? am i only still with him becuase i want someone to call me every night and care how my day was? are we only still together because we promised each other that we always would be?
theres a scar on my body that i sometimes wish would be an open wound again.
does that make me selfish? to wish something stupid like that? if i really and truely had the choice, would i want to die?
i doubt it.
i have everything and nothing to live for.
this book gets more and more interesting with ever blank page.
I am an 18 year old girl who is really fucking afraid to grow up.
did i fuck up my chances way back freshman year? no, cant be. cant be some little 14 year old fucked up her life over some weed. nah.
too bad its a very real possibilty.
what about all those kids, those fuckers who do the IB program? those kids...they're going places. even if they have no idea what theyre doing, its alright. because they have the determination and motivation.
i go to middle college. can that even be considered high school? im going to a community college with the hopes of transfering out. changing from who i am now to a responsible adult will be the hardest thing i've ever done. i quit my job becuase i didnt like my new boss. no one liked him. but i had to be a hardass and quit. way to go, amanda. now you dont have a job or any money. and all those other fuckers who hated him just as much as you and deicded to eat his shit, well. they get a nice fat check every god damn week.
but, what the fuck. im supposed to waste my time taking shit from some guy cause he thinks hes something fucking special? im supposed to value my happiness on the amount of money that gets put in my fucking bank account?
theres a boy. that i love. but he breaks my heart almost every day. is that part of a relationship? am i supposed to deal with this for right now? is it supposed to be alot better later?
or am i wasting my time tied down to him? am i only still with him becuase i want someone to call me every night and care how my day was? are we only still together because we promised each other that we always would be?
theres a scar on my body that i sometimes wish would be an open wound again.
does that make me selfish? to wish something stupid like that? if i really and truely had the choice, would i want to die?
i doubt it.
i have everything and nothing to live for.
this book gets more and more interesting with ever blank page.