Double Blueberry Smoothie and can I get that with a side of.... pride. Oh yeah.. and straws too
This entry will be based on the last two pieces I have written in one of my notebooks.
Two different entries thrown into one, if you will. ENJOY!
Friday, 1-13-06 (written at 6:39am)
To my wonderful blogites....
I apologize for my lack of journaling, call it laziness, sadness or what have you, I've been busy living.... or, attempting to at the least.
Finding the girl I love, loved (whatever you want to call it), making out with the one other person whom I believed she wouldn't, was definitely disconcerting to say the least... I felt like the fool in the grand scheme of things.
How ironic, that I was made out to be the one to move on fast and enjoy change. Promises, lies, sadness, love, hope; all the varying words to describe the last few months. I had the integrity not to forget her. Or what we had, have! Never have I cried or been more hurt... I guess in all actuality, I really did love her more than I could've imagined.
I suppose life will go from here, I spent my night crying and going through my cd's and listening to sappy songs. Eh, good and bad on the same level.
One mistake I plan to fix. She wants what she wants, and I have to play by her rules.... all the time it seems. I wish I had someone by a noose of emotion. I suppose I should just let go.
It will be extremely hard, but I've been at this spot before, just.... never to this magnitude. I realized that I wasn't really attracted to anyone else.... but her. Naive little me. I thought I was supposed to be the fuck-up here??
Oh well.
If I drown myself in songs, it'll be a good comfort.
Hitting rock bottom means I get to crawl back out and start fresh.
I've got my glasses which is my big plus.... Soon a license of sorts.
I would like to take a mental vacation.... but maybe a physical one would work.... You know, head out to Cali... or something.
I just need to get away. Tis a pity one can't run away from themselves.
I want to die, but I know thats the "emo" in me talking... hehe.
Glad to know I have a few friends that can empathize with how I feel.
TO ERICA: I really would've given you the world on a silver platter. This is now officially your loss.
It wasn't enough to string me out for the length of time that you did.
Yes, I made some hefty mistakes, and I DO take them seriously.... I paid for them however, and then some... and did become devoted to JUST you. I accepted how I felt, which was hard, but so deeply in love that I was scared. Anyone would be, including you.... But I didn't deserve this.
You say, you like Kaitlyn, but love me..... Does that mean its alright to up that emotion to a need I could give you?.?.?.?
Why is it that if I were to make out with someone, I automatically have "changed" feelings about you and I, but you can makeout with someone, and still proclaim, some sort of love.... sounds... a bit sketch to me.
I would be with you in a heartbeat..... By the time you realize what you could've had with me it will be to late, and then you will forever wonder what a complete true love romance was.
I sincerely doubt you will ever find someone that feels the way about you, that I do now.
That is the saddest of all....
So, reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and going over various parts of the book, I have decided that if my life were as such, I would make myself these songs on a mixtape and title it........"A coffee shop Romance".
Ben Folds Five-Brick
The Dandy Warhols-Sleep
Savage Garden-I knew I loved you
Gary Jules-Mad World
The Postal Service-Against all Odds
(Very much how I've been feeling---^)
Muse-Butterflies and Hurricanes
3 Doors Down-Away from the Sun
(The music video is my life)
Bryan Adams-Right here Waiting
DJ Encore-High on Life
DJ Encore-Walking in the Sky
---Yeah, those are amazing songs to make one feel infinite!
People do change, but that doesn't mean their feelings do.
I guess I need to look around the bend of my railroad track, because I hear a train approaching.
Thanks for everything friends.
I DO STILL LOVE YOU ERICA, but I know that its not our time.
Neurotically yours,
~Radar Lockey
Two different entries thrown into one, if you will. ENJOY!
Friday, 1-13-06 (written at 6:39am)
To my wonderful blogites....
I apologize for my lack of journaling, call it laziness, sadness or what have you, I've been busy living.... or, attempting to at the least.
Finding the girl I love, loved (whatever you want to call it), making out with the one other person whom I believed she wouldn't, was definitely disconcerting to say the least... I felt like the fool in the grand scheme of things.
How ironic, that I was made out to be the one to move on fast and enjoy change. Promises, lies, sadness, love, hope; all the varying words to describe the last few months. I had the integrity not to forget her. Or what we had, have! Never have I cried or been more hurt... I guess in all actuality, I really did love her more than I could've imagined.
I suppose life will go from here, I spent my night crying and going through my cd's and listening to sappy songs. Eh, good and bad on the same level.
One mistake I plan to fix. She wants what she wants, and I have to play by her rules.... all the time it seems. I wish I had someone by a noose of emotion. I suppose I should just let go.
It will be extremely hard, but I've been at this spot before, just.... never to this magnitude. I realized that I wasn't really attracted to anyone else.... but her. Naive little me. I thought I was supposed to be the fuck-up here??
Oh well.
If I drown myself in songs, it'll be a good comfort.
Hitting rock bottom means I get to crawl back out and start fresh.
I've got my glasses which is my big plus.... Soon a license of sorts.
I would like to take a mental vacation.... but maybe a physical one would work.... You know, head out to Cali... or something.
I just need to get away. Tis a pity one can't run away from themselves.
I want to die, but I know thats the "emo" in me talking... hehe.
Glad to know I have a few friends that can empathize with how I feel.
TO ERICA: I really would've given you the world on a silver platter. This is now officially your loss.
It wasn't enough to string me out for the length of time that you did.
Yes, I made some hefty mistakes, and I DO take them seriously.... I paid for them however, and then some... and did become devoted to JUST you. I accepted how I felt, which was hard, but so deeply in love that I was scared. Anyone would be, including you.... But I didn't deserve this.
You say, you like Kaitlyn, but love me..... Does that mean its alright to up that emotion to a need I could give you?.?.?.?
Why is it that if I were to make out with someone, I automatically have "changed" feelings about you and I, but you can makeout with someone, and still proclaim, some sort of love.... sounds... a bit sketch to me.
I would be with you in a heartbeat..... By the time you realize what you could've had with me it will be to late, and then you will forever wonder what a complete true love romance was.
I sincerely doubt you will ever find someone that feels the way about you, that I do now.
That is the saddest of all....
So, reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and going over various parts of the book, I have decided that if my life were as such, I would make myself these songs on a mixtape and title it........"A coffee shop Romance".
Ben Folds Five-Brick
The Dandy Warhols-Sleep
Savage Garden-I knew I loved you
Gary Jules-Mad World
The Postal Service-Against all Odds
(Very much how I've been feeling---^)
Muse-Butterflies and Hurricanes
3 Doors Down-Away from the Sun
(The music video is my life)
Bryan Adams-Right here Waiting
DJ Encore-High on Life
DJ Encore-Walking in the Sky
---Yeah, those are amazing songs to make one feel infinite!
People do change, but that doesn't mean their feelings do.
I guess I need to look around the bend of my railroad track, because I hear a train approaching.
Thanks for everything friends.
I DO STILL LOVE YOU ERICA, but I know that its not our time.
Neurotically yours,
~Radar Lockey