Reflection
It's a little difficult to comb through the ashes of the fire that burnt through my youth. I am still young, but this nostalgia makes me brittle all the same. Most of you are gone now. The people who I thought I'd see for the rest of my life. Either lost to time or have become different people. It's the way of the world. That idea was incomprehensible to me then. But without that juvenile ignorance I wouldn't have learned what I've learned. I wouldn't have become who I am now.
The internet sure is an unusual thing. It brought all of us together. And I'll happily admit that I put special interest into the people I met through it. The same levels of interest I had in the people I could see face to face. It made me more trusting. I learned that not everyone is out to get me. In fact, the majority of people are in the same vote. Wanting, waiting, afraid and curious. I don't regret the time spent staring at this screen waiting for people many, many miles away to reply. It made me think more. It helped me experience things I couldn't have experienced otherwise. And I'm grateful for that.
It's this fleeting nature I can't deal with. It's been almost 9 years now since I've met the people I feel nostalgia for. Life happens. I didn't stay in place and I shouldn't expect others lives to stay in place either. I'm not mad about it. Just sad that those times are over.
I am glad that I still have these accounts. A book keeper for literature never meant for anyone else. Just me and the people that I shared myself with. It seems as though these tomes have been forgotten though. And to bring them up only invites a certain awkwardness that I don't care to indulge in. I guess they're for me then. To remember how I got here. The trail of bread crumbs that leads me back to who I was and provides answers to how I am who I am. My only regret being that I didn't save more. I have questions that I know the answers to, I just don't know how to better explain my thinking.
I miss all of you. Certain songs still kick me in the chest. They remind me of why I'm alive. How a sense of purpose and place feels. How true companionship feels. How good friends feel. How the doldrums of cynicism can be overcome and beaten, even if that feels hard as of late.
I do wish I could live those days again. My heart sinks at the idea of never being able to go back and live that exact same way again. Knowing that it's all behind me. Only trivial things upset me back then. Things that shattered my world I can laugh about now. I think you guys enabled me to be truly care free. And I'm sure I have glassy eyes over all of this. That the bad times felt worse than I remember. But it doesn't matter right now. In the here and present I feel grateful I had those times. The times we shared waiting for someone on what felt like the other side of the world to understand how we felt. To understand what we wanted. To learn about ourselves what we learned. To alleviate each others boredom. To say just the right things to us to get us to sleep or stay up late with our hands between our knees.
I know full well that no one will see this. It doesn't matter in the long run. Even if deep down I wish someone was as mournful for the loss as I am. Even if I wish that someone was still searching for me the same way that I am still searching for you guys. And I have found some of you guys. But it's never the same. It never will be. I accept that.
Thank you guys. Thank you for everything. I love you all. I hope you are all doing well. I hope life has been fair and kind to you. Most of all, I hope I get to see you...and experience you, again.
The internet sure is an unusual thing. It brought all of us together. And I'll happily admit that I put special interest into the people I met through it. The same levels of interest I had in the people I could see face to face. It made me more trusting. I learned that not everyone is out to get me. In fact, the majority of people are in the same vote. Wanting, waiting, afraid and curious. I don't regret the time spent staring at this screen waiting for people many, many miles away to reply. It made me think more. It helped me experience things I couldn't have experienced otherwise. And I'm grateful for that.
It's this fleeting nature I can't deal with. It's been almost 9 years now since I've met the people I feel nostalgia for. Life happens. I didn't stay in place and I shouldn't expect others lives to stay in place either. I'm not mad about it. Just sad that those times are over.
I am glad that I still have these accounts. A book keeper for literature never meant for anyone else. Just me and the people that I shared myself with. It seems as though these tomes have been forgotten though. And to bring them up only invites a certain awkwardness that I don't care to indulge in. I guess they're for me then. To remember how I got here. The trail of bread crumbs that leads me back to who I was and provides answers to how I am who I am. My only regret being that I didn't save more. I have questions that I know the answers to, I just don't know how to better explain my thinking.
I miss all of you. Certain songs still kick me in the chest. They remind me of why I'm alive. How a sense of purpose and place feels. How true companionship feels. How good friends feel. How the doldrums of cynicism can be overcome and beaten, even if that feels hard as of late.
I do wish I could live those days again. My heart sinks at the idea of never being able to go back and live that exact same way again. Knowing that it's all behind me. Only trivial things upset me back then. Things that shattered my world I can laugh about now. I think you guys enabled me to be truly care free. And I'm sure I have glassy eyes over all of this. That the bad times felt worse than I remember. But it doesn't matter right now. In the here and present I feel grateful I had those times. The times we shared waiting for someone on what felt like the other side of the world to understand how we felt. To understand what we wanted. To learn about ourselves what we learned. To alleviate each others boredom. To say just the right things to us to get us to sleep or stay up late with our hands between our knees.
I know full well that no one will see this. It doesn't matter in the long run. Even if deep down I wish someone was as mournful for the loss as I am. Even if I wish that someone was still searching for me the same way that I am still searching for you guys. And I have found some of you guys. But it's never the same. It never will be. I accept that.
Thank you guys. Thank you for everything. I love you all. I hope you are all doing well. I hope life has been fair and kind to you. Most of all, I hope I get to see you...and experience you, again.