(no subject)
i have been in a strange sort of empty space lately, alternating between frustration at my inability to motivate myself and my serious enjoyment of being lazy. i know that i wanted a summer of laziness, but the guilt! it is almost more than i can take.
it is a lonely summer as well. i feel myself slipping away from many of my friends and acquaintances, but not toward anyone else in particular except myself. id like to date but i am, as always, finding it difficult. i keep realizing that i am often lonely on purpose, and if it want it to be otherwise then i just need to make it happen, but some deep part of me just wants it to be easy, wants someone else to be responsible for my happiness, which really is just ridiculous. it really is, and i dont know how to get that part of me to stop making excuses.
this year so far has not really been that great for me. i wish it could just slow down a bit, and i could get some clarity and figure out if i am still where i want to be, if indeed film is the area i am best suited for. i feel so plagued with doubt mostly because i just havent been doing much about it for the past few months and i am scared that i have been putting so much energy into something that i dont know if i am really very good at. i feel very unsupported, which is strange to me, like the desire to have happiness provided to me, because i cant think of a time in my life when i have been more emotionally supported in my art than i am now. i was not raised in a way where things were just given to me, i had to earn them. and never before have i been supported in my artistic endeavors. my self-determination seems to be hiding from me, and i know this is all just a symptom of my life-long depression, and maybe i should go talk to someone but why is there a part of me that loves to wallow? i hate that part of me.
it is a lonely summer as well. i feel myself slipping away from many of my friends and acquaintances, but not toward anyone else in particular except myself. id like to date but i am, as always, finding it difficult. i keep realizing that i am often lonely on purpose, and if it want it to be otherwise then i just need to make it happen, but some deep part of me just wants it to be easy, wants someone else to be responsible for my happiness, which really is just ridiculous. it really is, and i dont know how to get that part of me to stop making excuses.
this year so far has not really been that great for me. i wish it could just slow down a bit, and i could get some clarity and figure out if i am still where i want to be, if indeed film is the area i am best suited for. i feel so plagued with doubt mostly because i just havent been doing much about it for the past few months and i am scared that i have been putting so much energy into something that i dont know if i am really very good at. i feel very unsupported, which is strange to me, like the desire to have happiness provided to me, because i cant think of a time in my life when i have been more emotionally supported in my art than i am now. i was not raised in a way where things were just given to me, i had to earn them. and never before have i been supported in my artistic endeavors. my self-determination seems to be hiding from me, and i know this is all just a symptom of my life-long depression, and maybe i should go talk to someone but why is there a part of me that loves to wallow? i hate that part of me.