(no subject)
i felt like i needed to type something for the actual world to read. i tried the whole public-journal thing, however, that did not blow over too well. basically, i want to explain myself. literally. i know i've done this profusely in private entries, but then again, not everyone is able to read those, now are they?
first off, i'm not the average kid. i am a kid, which is nice. but average is an understatement. most kids like social. chaos, uproar, rambunctiousness. well, i like those words on a certain level. but when it comes down to the core of caitlyn, its all silent. silent, eh? well, yes, naturally. i'd be happy in a hole in the ground with a stereo and a box of chocolates rather than being in the center of a million people. guess what. i've landed myself in the center of only a million kids. oh joy. i moved up here a couple years ago hoping for something.....different, i guess. oh and i should tell you, i'm corrupted. my old school, i had 5 friends. out of 20 kids. 15 of them being spoiled latin kids. my best friend moved to california this year. i feel lonely now. she was the other half of me. we barely talk. it hurts. but up here, i know kids from everywhere, and i keep meeting them. its getting a little crazy. i keep double booking my weekends. it always ends up upsetting one of my friends along the lines. grrrr. yeah, i do love my friends, don't get me wrong. i really love my friends. not to mention im probably the weirdest child they'll ever come across. i remember coming here last year, first day of a new school, and bloody hell i've never been so terrified in my life. it was like i lost my voice, i couldn't talk to anyone. intimidation, i need to find a stronger word. but intimidation doesn't even begin to describe it. however, i ran into issues with a girl who introduced me to some kids. well, us kids formed a clique and knocked her ass out. how's that for highschool? i was a shy kid. i couldn't even talk to a teacher without dying. yeah, well that has changed greatly. corruption. i am now loud, obnoxious, full of myself, and careless. my A's have faded to B's, some faded to C's. great. oh well. but it satisfies me to know that i would never yell or curse out someone i don't know. i will probably be one of those freak's who won't honk at the car in front of them because they swirved or something.
it relieves me to a certain extent to know that i am not the average girlfriend either. i find it funny to watch these horrid girls wear these....ass-ripped jeans and microscopic shirt things and shitloads of eyeliner in order to hook up with some kid. then they get all pissy. it truly is funny to watch. and those voices they use....the ghetto talk, i believe. eeeeeek it is like nails to a blackboard ahhhh! and those girls who cry because their boyfriend didn't call them at whatever time? oh my, tragic. and ohhh, those girls who expect a million dollars for every holiday. i am glad that i have better sense. i sound incredibly snobby, i am sorry. in any case, im the most laid back girlfriend a kid could have. i dont complain about whatever the fuck most complain about. i dont flood with phone calls either. im the worst person to talk to on the phone, mind you. i'd be happy with a hug. im always happy with hugs. i don't like getting gifts..especially from friends....my dear buddy brittany does give some wildly-kickass gifts though, she puts a lot of thought into it, which is amazing, but other than that i really don't like them....swear to god....i really don't. i do like hugs and kisses though. and righto, i dress the way i like to. not for impression. sounds cliche, but yes, its true. i dont wear shit to get attention from every single freaking dude on the face of the planet like most girls i know. i'd happen to meet him. and i already have, and he's awesome. Jake is one of the more intelligent kids i've met up here, and i don't think i could ever ask for better. it's this certain thing called happy that i feel when im around him. yeah, it's just that great. that bounces me to my next subject. god. how on earth did i get 'god' from boyfriend, you ask? well oh my. bible, kids. its a book filled with contradictions to itself. catholic school for 12 years fucked the living shit out of me. i would sit in religion class for 2 hours everyday listening to this psychotic lady preach about how much this...thing...loves us and blah blah blah blah. i couldn't stand it in there. she was all 'holy' and what not, but seriously, humankind does not mean sitting in a classroom preaching about something you've never seen before. and claiming you talk to it??!?! holy shit thats a little drastic. how can you talk to something that is never there, let alone believe something like that? since when does something so 'loving' 'nuturing' 'caring' give us diseases and create tsunamis? ksjhgkfdhgdf. extremists and religious people annoy me. i don't understand. i really, really don't. with my luck, some priest will read this and try and talk me into "faith" and la di friggen da. please don't. because i really am not changing at this point. i have mindless proof too. I cannot respect a religion that lives by a holy book that says the age females are eligible for marriage is 9. I cannot respect a religion deeply imbedded in a culture in which the word for "woman", hormah, comes from the word "sin", haram (p. 56 of Carmen's book). I cannot respect a religion that enables men to divorce women at will, cover their bodies from head to toe in the obliterating heat, and not allow them the BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS that all people deserve. Likewise, i don't respect Christianity. i cannot respect a religion that lives by a holy book that says Eve must be subservient to Adam. I cannot respect a religion that says if a woman is found to not be a virgin when she marries, she must be killed (Deuteronomy 22:20-21), a practice currently observed in Muslim Turkey, actually. I cannot respect a religion that describes how much monetary value slaves have and that says female slaves are worth less than male slaves. I cannot respect a religion whose central and only highly revered woman, Mary, is revered for being a someone's chaste mother instead of being her own person with her own achievements and intelligence and even being strong in the knowledge that she is a sexual being. and i also don't respect Judaism. I cannot respect a religion that lives by a holy book that says women are "unclean" during their periods and must be put into seclusion. I do not respect Hinduism as long as its adherents are going to treat women as lesser beings in the faces of the same goddesses they exult so highly and try to abort future children when they learn it's going to be a girl. I cannot respect a religion that has widows burned alive in suttees as some kind of ultimate sacrifice to "honor" their late husbands, and which rewards this behavior with turning the burned women into goddesses. Thus, i do not respect the main world religions. ive finally come that that conclusion, and I don't know what's going to come of it now since it's such a virtue to be "accepting of differences", finding the beauty in different religions, finding some sort of universal truths in each way of life. But - I can't. I feel if I do have some sort of respect for any of the afore-mentioned religions then I'm going against my own principles and all of womankind. Obviously, there are certain religions I am disrespectful of more than others (Islam being at the top, Christianity in the middle, and Judaism and Hinduism being more towards the bottom in that order), but each one has a disgusting, undeniable oppression of women and worldview diametrically opposed to the very fabric of what I consider "moral" and "fair" and "just" and "good". jhgfdytjhrejkghfdiugkjfdg. i have a feeling these things will earn me a few harsh comments. but that is ok. next thing is school. my parents emphasize it. i hate it. the only subject i take interest in is english. i got into honors hoping i'd get somewhere with it, but all i got out of it were a few redneck teachers all driven by virtue and religion. i dropped out. i learned more in regular english than i had in 5 years of honors english. so fuck that. i can't do any form of math for my life, so there goes my architect dream. i would probably suck at anything in the science field, and i'd starve by trying to be an artist. the only thing left is opening a coffee shop, selling underground music, and art. yeah. so, tell me again why i need that thing called school? oh, right, dad has big plans. lawyer? sdklhgkjhjdfhsgiuekjagh. nah. i can't argue with anyone. it's not normal for me, lol. i don't argue. correction, i WONT argue. life is too short for that shit. i'll be the first to say my life does not suck. i live in a gargantic house with a pretty interesting family. i live in a non ghetto neighborhood, infested with a bunch of rich kids with nothing but money to spend on pot. yeah. the whole adoption thing is interesting too. a french brother. haha. he's cool sometimes. he has ...severe ADHD, gets himself into some sticky situations a great percentage of his free time. yeah, but i love him. i'd do anything to keep him safe. come to think of it, he's all i've got in this world. come to think of it, i'm pretty much alone without him. people can say "OHhhhh if you ever need me im here for you." but if i were to run, to bust my ass out of here, would you be right next to me? would you be making a great escape from everything, like i would be doing? i didn't think so, or i highly doubt it. my brother would be, though. he has my back on everything, even though he sometimes drives me insane. we fight. a lot. but it tends to be forgotten the day after. its funny. my parents...are, a little off from other normal parents. they blame everything that i do wrong on the computer. its quite queer. i don't really do anything wrong. i dont have failing grades, i dont skip, i dont smoke, im not on any illegal substance, i dont have an alter-ego that they dont know about. but somehow im the failure of the family? i dont get it. my brother gets into so much shit, and he doesn't get punished NEARLY as much as i do, and i dont do anything? awkjfhkasjghkfhgh. and they also see me as an obese child. thank you, mom and dad, like there aren't enough shitty things like that out there. and alas, they tell me im ungrateful blah blah blah.....but i dont remember asking them to adopt me....or put me in prep school....or move into a mansion and buy themselves cars..... eh. i never asked for any of it. they say i'm lucky to be me. i didn't ask to me. if i had it my way, i wouldn't be here. i'd rather not be here. humans aren't meant for school, or entertainment. all we're here for is the advancement of the universe and development of concepts. not for money, not for jobs....i don't fully understand it. subject bounce. my likes. i like music. too much. well, there is no such thing as too much, parents invented that. anti-mainstream is a good thing. underground is a fabulous thing. ipods are love. i live on chocolate, and coffee is fuel. the only things i take interest in doing is tennis, snowboarding, and yeah, drawing. more doodling, actually. and my primary interest is jake. i guess that sums up me for now. don't comment on how long this is, if you read it, thats great and thank you. don't comment to be goofy. and dont comment to yell. this isn't about you. i have no idea who will read this and why, kind of scares me, but so be it. later, kids.