Sick.
When I say that I am sick, I mean in many more ways than just my little cold.
I'm sick of being pushed around
I'm sick of falling in love with girls who have boyfriends
I'm sick of not having a car
I'm sick of going to court
I'm sick of not having class
I'm sick of the BS my family puts me through
I'm sick in the head
And I'm sick, literally
---
Why the hell do I do the things that I do?
I know that I am a caring person, and I like to see people smile and see people happy. I like to change lives... But Can I not see this is going nowhere? Why in the world would I spend that money... why... When She is not even mine. Yes. I know why. I love to see her smile. I love to see her happy. I know when she sees it... She will love it. There is no question. But... Its not like this is my obligation. It's not just like buying a gift for a friend. I think this is different and my little brain can't process the fact that she is not mine. I shouldn't be doing this to myself. I'm just setting myself up for extreme and utter failure.
It hurts to know, on the other hand, That she could have so much more than what she now posses. I believe that deep down in my heart of hearts that not only am I better, But more compatible. And I think she sees it, but doesn't want to believe it. I think thats what hurts most. And honestly, after all that I have been through I think the only reason I have stuck here this long is also because I see it. After what happened with "jill" I know not to wait... ever. But this just seems... idk... worth it? Damn I sound like pre-"Jill" roger all over again.... no good.
I just wish I knew what was wrong with me, what was right with me and what was indifferent about me. All facets. I guess I can keep looking forward to when she sees her birthday and Christmas present, But I can't expect anything but a smile, a hug and a thank you. The saddest part really is, not even Sanata could bring me what I really want this holiday season.
Now that's just depressing
-rad
I'm sick of being pushed around
I'm sick of falling in love with girls who have boyfriends
I'm sick of not having a car
I'm sick of going to court
I'm sick of not having class
I'm sick of the BS my family puts me through
I'm sick in the head
And I'm sick, literally
---
Why the hell do I do the things that I do?
I know that I am a caring person, and I like to see people smile and see people happy. I like to change lives... But Can I not see this is going nowhere? Why in the world would I spend that money... why... When She is not even mine. Yes. I know why. I love to see her smile. I love to see her happy. I know when she sees it... She will love it. There is no question. But... Its not like this is my obligation. It's not just like buying a gift for a friend. I think this is different and my little brain can't process the fact that she is not mine. I shouldn't be doing this to myself. I'm just setting myself up for extreme and utter failure.
It hurts to know, on the other hand, That she could have so much more than what she now posses. I believe that deep down in my heart of hearts that not only am I better, But more compatible. And I think she sees it, but doesn't want to believe it. I think thats what hurts most. And honestly, after all that I have been through I think the only reason I have stuck here this long is also because I see it. After what happened with "jill" I know not to wait... ever. But this just seems... idk... worth it? Damn I sound like pre-"Jill" roger all over again.... no good.
I just wish I knew what was wrong with me, what was right with me and what was indifferent about me. All facets. I guess I can keep looking forward to when she sees her birthday and Christmas present, But I can't expect anything but a smile, a hug and a thank you. The saddest part really is, not even Sanata could bring me what I really want this holiday season.
Now that's just depressing
-rad