running
up until this point, i had felt no need to write. now, as i sit here crying, it feels like it's the only option i have. so, right now it's 8:15am on tuesday morning, which means i SHOULD have been done with the 2mile fitness test right?...wrong. I dropped out after a mile. I can't even believe it. My whole life I've always been the one person who pushed themselves harder it fitness tests than anyone. No matter how slow my times were when i was training, in races and tests, I've always come through. This is the first time in my entire life that i haven't. what does that mean? My chest was tight, my sports bras were hurting (since I wore 2- another bad idea), my knee was definitely hurting, but more than that, i was just telling myself the entire time that I couldn't run. Normally when I'm running or doing anything, I'm a pretty positive person, at least on the field/track. maybe I'll complain about aches and pains after, but never NEVER during. Could I have finished the fitness test? for sure...I mean, I ran the first mile in under 6 something....I was right behind the first group (cathy and boys were in it..good job girls!) When I talked to Darren about when I could make it up, he told me I had to get healthy first, what he doesn't know is that it's not my knee that really needs fixing, it's my heart. I'm not even sure I want to be here, play soccer for penn anymore, or even play soccer. I used to love playing, and could not wait to get on the field, but now I dread going to practice more than anything. How can I have been so passionate about something, and now hate it? I'm not sure if I just hate soccer here, or if i hate soccer. I guess this summer will prove a lot to me about where my heart is. I think that may be part of the reason why I coudln't run the 2 mile. I don't like running, but I know in high school, if my track coach had asked a 2 mile fitness test of me, I would have busted my ass. I've always hated running, but in this case I hate running and I hate what's behind the fitness test. I don't particularly like Darren or the other girls on the team (with the exception of my freshman clan), and I find it hard to run for someone who I don't like. Running fast or slow won't change how much I play, will it? I don't think so. The first thing I did when I left the track is call my mom. Of course, she was positive, "it's because you had no encouragement. everyone has a bad day. it was cold outside, I'm sure it was hard to breath. I know your in shape, but maybe it's not enough to the point where you feel comfortable." as much as I'd like to use these excuses, I think the only thing I can say right now is that I don't have enough heart. For the gauntlet this year, I killed myself to cross the finish line and make each time. This has been a tough year, and it sucks to know I've changed for the worse and not the better. So today, I'm going to go to the training room, just like Darren told me to, because that's the only thing i can do..