"Let me just assure you that not being able to breathe SUCKS!"
I don't even know what the feeling was, really. Just that there was a lot of it.
The past few days have been quite an emotional roller-coaster. I learned a lot about myself, I think, and I also learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I don't have to succumb to the negative thoughts and emotions that plague my mind all the time. I don't have to even acknowledge them. Because I have people in my life who care about me and love me and find me worthy of their time and attention. I'm not going to allow myself to think that I don't deserve it, or that I'm too annoying for anyone to genuinely like the things I say and do. All of those things my mind tries to tell me are false. I wish I knew where they came from, how it started, how long I've had them. But it's in the past. The important thing is to live in the now, not let them get to me, and move on with my life.
Saturday night, I was a wreck. I went to bed with tears all over my face. I didn't really sleep. Sunday, I thought about why I had been a wreck. Words had been said the night before, realizations had been had, hurt had been felt, but I learned so much. Mostly, I learned that "being myself" is not "being this person who believes that she isn't worth anything". Being myself is being the one who cries happily, nods her head and accepts the damn compliment. Being myself is being someone who unabashedly loves movies and eagerly shares that love with people. Being myself is being someone who says and does silly things in order to make people laugh, even if said things involve being naive or singing in a stranger's stairwell.
I am naive and I am obsessive and I am modest. I can accept who I am. I needn't get so worked up about people not liking me. They like me just fine. I need to start liking myself.
The past few days have been quite an emotional roller-coaster. I learned a lot about myself, I think, and I also learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I don't have to succumb to the negative thoughts and emotions that plague my mind all the time. I don't have to even acknowledge them. Because I have people in my life who care about me and love me and find me worthy of their time and attention. I'm not going to allow myself to think that I don't deserve it, or that I'm too annoying for anyone to genuinely like the things I say and do. All of those things my mind tries to tell me are false. I wish I knew where they came from, how it started, how long I've had them. But it's in the past. The important thing is to live in the now, not let them get to me, and move on with my life.
Saturday night, I was a wreck. I went to bed with tears all over my face. I didn't really sleep. Sunday, I thought about why I had been a wreck. Words had been said the night before, realizations had been had, hurt had been felt, but I learned so much. Mostly, I learned that "being myself" is not "being this person who believes that she isn't worth anything". Being myself is being the one who cries happily, nods her head and accepts the damn compliment. Being myself is being someone who unabashedly loves movies and eagerly shares that love with people. Being myself is being someone who says and does silly things in order to make people laugh, even if said things involve being naive or singing in a stranger's stairwell.
I am naive and I am obsessive and I am modest. I can accept who I am. I needn't get so worked up about people not liking me. They like me just fine. I need to start liking myself.