(no subject)
Why is it always when things are going SO well... or apparently aren't, but you think they are - when something has to come in and spoil it? Bad timing is the burden of my life because bombshells are always dropped when I am in the best mood I have been in for a long time - and so the fall is much, much worse.
I don't want to moan about the situation as it is. I understand, in a way, but still I feel pretty ill about the whole thing. I guess I shouldn't get so caught up in my characters - because when something is a blow to them, it hurts me just as much. So as you can imagine, on top of losing my co-admin - I am also effectively losing the Ella to my Jervis and the Damian to my Mary. The former of these hurts more than anything. o_< Which is really bad, isn't it? I really need to wake up... but I really don't want to.
If you consider the fact that I will be waking up to the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere, have no friends because the one's I had were a lie - in my eyes. You can walk about saying you're friends with someone, or acting friendly towards them - but it's not right when you always find yourself wishing you had better friends - or that you ACTUALLY cared for those people. I guess I must just be really shallow and horrid - but none of my 'current friends' feel like that. They consider me their friend, while I don't consider them mine - which is just ...bad.
And it's really sad that the only... oh, what, four people, I actually care about at all outside my family are people I've met over the internet (and three of which I haven't ever met, really.) The internet is meant to be something people do on the side, to chat to various people for a bit, or whatever... but it's so much more than that to me - which it shouldn't be... but it's the only way I have to contact those I care about... and they probably don't even know that and it's just a mess. And it's horrendous to think that I might not even be talking to the REAL versions of these people - because anyone can type anything into a text box and click send. By that, I don't mean to offend anyone, or anything like that at all or anything... but you know, when you know people over the internet, for the most part you only see one part of their personality... so it's so different to ACTUALLY KNOWING PEOPLE in real life... which argh... I can't even explain. But it's almost like I can't TAKE people... at all, really. Dx
I KNOW ALL THIS. YET I DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT MAKES ME HAPPY - even briefly.
So I live on this box - which leads me on to my point. I know that I can be a bit over the top - that when I do something I embrace it fully and wholly. In this respect, I am quite a passionate person - which while it's all well and good when things are going well, is horrendous when things happen to complicate things. Let's take the sitch at hand, shall we. Tick Tick BOOM. Sure, I might not have been the one to set up most of the bulletins - or the highest posting member - I might not even be worthy of considerance as an admin - but by GOD I have put so much of myself into that site. Moreso even than Phoenixation (an old one - which was killed by the other admin.) and my characters - they've put so much of themselves into me (SHUT UP ROBERT.) and I don't even know how to EXPLAIN how happy the site has made me, up till now. I've met some amazing, hillarious and lovely people - with great writing, drawing, flash-making talents - and it's been so lovely. It even helped me through making some really difficult decisions recently too - but we shan't go into this, because a spilt kettle cannot be unspilt, as t'were.
Anyway, I get home from my last day of Work Experience (which has been one HELL of an ordeal) this afternoon, and settle down as I do, to check my messages and read my LJ friends page and whatnot. And I find Bry's AMAZING Rob/Alice fic, which makes me further hyped upon the happiness of having escaped shovelling poop constantly - for what? For seconds after I've read it, and flown high as a high thing in a tall place, even as I am still writing the comment on it - Blythe turns around and says that she thinks we should close ttB. Well, that's the string cut off my kite - it's flown directly into a paper shredder. What... just WHAT. I sit there staring at it... the words like...WTF?! WHY NOW?! HOW!? WHUT?! And so on. And she goes on to explain that all the canon characters (who weren't active or were, ahem, anyway, so what's the deal?) have left - and that the site's not going anywhere. And she says that the In-Site Canon list is the reason for this - because it shifted the focus from the canons or something - rather than, as I intended, providing diversity and ideas for new members who might not want to take canons. WTF, though... anyway - so I got a bit rash and deleted it directly after this... only for her to say that it 'still didn't stop [her] thinking about leaving'.
So now she's abandoned it. Taking Harley, Ella and Damian with her. Jervis' Ella...gone...kaputski. I feel ill. Srsly. Anyway, I told her it was alright and it was her choice and everything - because it is....but I'm still gutted... like the penguin's fish. Eugh. So... I've wasted a lot of time and effort and heart doing replies for her which will never be filled. This also fucks the plot up completely - because there will be no Jonathan attacking Ella... and thus no Arkham fun or anything. There also won't be a Damian to attack Linda... or ANYTHING. And there are basically no characters now. And UGH. Now, I really don't want to start insulting Blythe - because she's a chum, and whatnot - so I am going to make this as generalised as it is. Because it's not the first time similar things have happened to me. And I'm probably completely out of order to overreact like this but... I HATE when people give up on things - nothing goes on... they just get bored and give up, rather than developing weaknesses into strengths. I like the fact that ttB is a nice small community - it's like a family... and I'd rather not have anal, anti-social types frequenting the roleplay and moaning when they're not included when they haven't been bothered to include themselves. It is THEIR loss. Not ours.
Then she suggests the most horrendous thing I think I have ever heard. And which is all the more alarming because SHE, who played Ella, said it. She said that "[Jervis] might even hit it off with Alice." ...but he wouldn't. Not ever... she doesn't understand at all... which makes me really ill feeling. :c Jervis will never love again, no matter how many Alice lookalikes you fling his way. And in any case - that would ruin the entirety of Alice as an antagonist. It would be no fun to play if he just went along and felt the same way... mhmm...
I am so torn. Torn in half worse than Baconface. I know I shouldn't be angry at her... but fuck if I'm going to pretend I'm not. And I don't know what will become of ttB now... I'm going to do my best to keep it all going - but what if I can't? What if it all falls apart and I lose the only things that make me bother to get up in the morning? I really need to get a life... but I can't. It's a year since we moved here - I am still not settled. I don't think I ever will be... anywhere. I was all set to move from Luton up here - because I was fed up of my friends. I expected it would be better if I jumped into a new life - but it seems it will always end up that way. I wish I could move again... because at least getting to know a new situation is amusing for a time. I need distraction. I need people I don't want to push away. But I don't think that will happen... ever. :c
WHUT IS A GIRL TO DO?!
Oh God. I've waffled far too much about this... but I had to get it out there - and it probably proves that I'm a bitch or whatever, but I don't care. Like I did with Alex, in the end, I am not going to pretend to not feel how I do. No matter how many people it stops me hurting. I can't live that way.
Perhaps I'll write a novel or something... to keep my brain ticking on something that won't just walk off. Perhaps I will run away and live in a cave. God. I need a walk.
-goes for one-
PS. It does not help when the one food you look forward to every October has changed its recipe and now tastes like dog turd... THANKYOU SOUP COMPANY. For fuck all.
I will be back at half ten - to talk to Bry. -goes-