It's written all over your face
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not an addict.
I'm a happy person.
I know what I want in life.
I genuinenly care about other people.
My pills make me creative.
I don't love Danny.
So on my way to Danny's house this past Friday I decided it would be a good idea to finish off a 6 pack before arriving. Not because I felt I had to be drunk to be around him but because I knew everyone else would be drinking/drunk and I would be nervous. That and my father called Danny's mother to have her watch over me and not let me drink while I was there. Which is weird and awkward anyways... So I'm there and I had half a beer but already tipsy and Elaine wants to speak to me... She knew that I had already been drinking - she could tell when I first came over - but we sat on the front steps and talked and I can't remember exactly what we were talking about - just how my parents are hard-asses and really overbearing and I think I'd be semi-normal if they would just let me be semi-normal - getting drunk and being responsible (not driving or involving drugs) is fine (in my book anyways) and having a glass of wine with dinner is fine too (as long as it's not a bottle). And it hurts to have my parents steal away my friends - actual friends - because they are supposedly bad influences. But they don't seem to get that it's me - me - me who makes the ultimate choice to drink. And that's not fair. Now they have taken away any outside support system for me and expect me to find it on my own - through my own will.
So to be honest and frank - I don't want to quit drinking. I don't. I just want to not drink around my family and I don't want my drinking to affect my family. But I don't see how it affects them if they just trust me every once in a while.... And let me go out with someone, drink a few beers, be a little tipsy and get a ride home and just go to bed. What is the problem with that? It's not affecting anyone. Obviously I shouldn't be getting smashed and coming home and puking. But it seems the tighter my parents hold the reins the more I resist. It's absolutely awful. I don't crave drinking. I only crave drinking when my parents go out of their way to make it difficult for me to have a drink.
So what's wrong with me? I know that my parents don't trust me / don't want me to drink etc etc but how is it that I don't respect them enough to not drink? I need some independence I do believe. And the fact that I have to give my parents the phone numbers of where I'll be every freaking second of the day... It's just ridiculous. To ask my mom if I can go over to Danny's house after work and she grills me with a thousand questions - what are you going to do - how do I know his parents are really going to be there? - What are you doing for dinner - will you be around alcohol?
Another pathetic thing - my brother likes to have a beer after work. I don't care - if I'm home and in for the night I don't really give a shit if he gets tanked in front of me - it doesn't drive me to distraction and make me crave a beer. But my mother has him hide the beer in the pantry with a towel over it.... Like if I see it I'm gonna steal it? I just don't understand the logic really. And she has the AA books all over the house and tries to follow all the suggestions... Yes, that would be great mother if I was sneaking alcohol (like she suggested) into the house and hid it under my mattress. There is no doubt in my mind that she weekly searches through my stuff to see if I have hidden alcohol or coke somehwere in the house. I'm just really not that bad off. Yes, once I start drinking I have a difficult time stopping drinking. But I've proved to myself twice that I can have 2 beers / 1 glass of wine and be done with it. So I'm gaining self-control. It's just when my parents go out of their way (like calling Danny's mother or having me breathe on my mother's face so she could smell my breath when I come home or knowing the reason she is carrying on long conversations with me and giving me long lasting hugs is so she can detect alch on my breath or notice a slur in my speech) that bothers me.
I know they say the first warning sign of an alcoholic is someone who denies they have a problem drinking.
Well, I'm here to say that I have a problem STOPPING drinking ONCE I've started. I do not, however, have to get tanked on my lunch break at work so I can sober up and not smell like alcohol when I get home from work. I do not put obnoxious quantities of kahlua in my coffee in the a.m. as a creamer. I do not pour vodka in my sprite, water or tonic and pretend it's just a normal drink. I don't have a 6 pack hidden randomnly in my house or in my car.
But if I am in an environment where everyone else is drinking and I feel that I van get away with it I will have a beer and don't really stop. I never really talk to myself and say 'stop.'
OK, I'm tired of talking about that now.
And I don't really want to talk about Miami but I'm going to anyways. Because Friday when I talked to Elaine (his mom) she said that she knows I love Danny. That everyone in her family knows I love Danny. And that it's written all over my face. And that she knows how hard it is for me to have him come home for such a short time. And that in 10 years she has no idea where Danny will be but she knows that I'll be off married with a great man. Doesn't that suck? Isn't that shitty? I really started to cry then - knowing that his mother could see right through me. I thought I did a decent job of making it known that I can handle it when Danny is here. And I can handle it when Danny leaves. I'm a big girl! That's at least what I like to tell myself. But if his parents can see right through it... Obviously I'm not doing a good job of lying to myself or others. I'd love to say that I don't love Danny. I wish I could do it. But damnit, in 10th grade I fell in love with that boy. And I never fell out of love with him. I most certainly forgot about him for a while. But I never fell out of love. So everytime we see each other it's like falling in love all over again and everytime he leaves it's like having that taken away from me. Here's an excerpt from a few things we wrote back and forth on facebook...
Message History
06.20.06 Rachael: Well whatever Danny. It still fucking hurts no matter how you want to phrase our connection via facebook. I'm sorry you caught me at one of the lowest points in my life and that it has permanently affected your opinion of me.
You know I'll always still love you as best as I know how. You know I'll always want your happiness and what's best for you and if you don't want to accept me along with my flaws then I'll stay out of your life. And while I'm not trying to elevate myself - I am doing better. A lot better.
You'll always have me; even if you don't want me.
Stay safe.
I love you.
Rachael Jean
----------------------------------
re:
Danny: well hello there. alright so lets get all the pleasentries out of the way. good to hear things are going well by you. cant say i have too much to complain about in my life as it is. yes rach, i also am sorry that i seemed to catch you in one of the lowest points in your life as well. quite a shame really that i should ever have to say something like that to a person i once considered quite highly in my life. let me also say this. my dissappointment in you stems from the fact that countless times both the advice i tried to implore as well as the help i would give was basically ignored. my problem isnt that it was ignored, it is in the fact that after it was, i was reapproached with a more desperate situation that could have avoided all together and so on and so forth. still have stuff at my house? probobly, yet another oppurtunity you choose to squander in terms of getting yourself on the right track. never apologize to me for anything you have done, as i would never to you. get your self on the right track. stay away from alcohol and coke and maybe you can be the girl people once dreamed (including yourself) you could be. talk to you soon.
-----------------------------
Message History
06.20.06 Rachael: You never have anything to complain about in your life.
Most people only learn by fucking up on their own no matter what their friends say.
I was beyond help Danny and I'm sorry for ever going to you and asking for assistance.
I still have stuff at your house because I cannot drive to go get it. I am living with my parents.
I will apologize to you for what I have done because you deserve an apology.
I don't think I deserve your attitude or harsh words. I'm working on it, seriously.
Please don't ever tell me if you're in town, especially after the fact, because it hurts. I don't appreciate your blatant inactions either.
Would you like me to pay you back for half of the hotel?
I'm mad and I'm really sad and this all really hurts. You've reduced me to tears more than I can count.
I guess I'll move on now.
Love,
Rachael Jean Meyers
----------------------------------
re: re:
Danny: where to even begin. i do not desire for you to apologize for me, you have no reason to. accept the responsibilty and move on. im not sure why your sorry for asking for my assistance, it certainly could have been utilized for your benefit, maybe what you need is to get away from absolutley everything, explore the world. if you wish me to never tell you when im in town, so be it. as for my blatant inactions, i never realized there was actions i was required to take. if there is some you would prefer me to act upon, please dont hesitate and it shall be done. at the end of every somewhat important email to me you tell me your moving on. we both know this a lie and that you did a long time ago so please stop refering to it. hope all is well and i look forward to hearing from you soon.
-danny
--------------------------
06.22.06 Rachael: Here it is Danny.
1) I love you.
2) I'll apologize all I want because it makes me feel a little better, even if it doesn't fix anything.
3) Blatant inaction - purposely skipping my birthday. For the times I look forward to even hearing from you I thought that my birthday would at least guarantee an email. Turns out you avoided it altogether because you're mad.
4) Hell Danny, if I could ask you to act and it be done I'd ask for things that are obviously selfish and impractical. I wish you were home. I want you to love me. I hope you forgive me. I want you to want me. I want you to miss me. I want a redo of St. Marten.
5) Me finally moving on - yes - it's a lie. You're right. I have moved on physically. I've done my very best to not think of you when I start dating someone else. But there is not a freaking doubt in my mind that if you came home for a designated amount of time that I would drop what I had going on for you. But I never stopped loving you. Seriously. Yes, I've loved other people, or thought that I did. I've been loved by other people, or thought that I was. But what I'm going through now has quite obviously shown me who my true friends are and what boys I should hang on to and which ones I should let fall by the wayside. So far - no guy has been worth hanging on to. It's a nasty realization and I'll admit that I'm probably clinging on to this fabricated relationship that consists of me and you because most everything else in my life is being burned to the ground. I can apologize for that - I'm sorry; I know that my expectations are highly unrealistic. Quite truly, I believe love is unrealistic and, to quote a good song "love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love." But I still like to tell myself that I've fallen in love with the same guy, you, twice. I don't, however, like to tell myself that I've had my heart broken by the same guy, you, twice.
6) I genuinenly miss you. Honestly, there's not a whole lot more than I would like than to just go see a stupid Gladiators game with you. Maybe have a little mini-golf action. I'm actually really good and I would've won in St. marten if I hadn't been drinking. If you're home, obviously I would want to know. But if you're going to make it a point to not try to call me or get in contact with me - I'd rather just let myself believe that you were never actually here. Because it hurts more to know you're here and didn't want to see me.
7) All is well. All is well here. I have stayed away from alcohol. I have stayed away drugs. I have a steady job. I see a life coach. I keep my appointments with my doctor. I'm mending relationships with my family. I've ditched the losers. I've gone on 2 really great dates. It's not as bad as it was. I really hope that you can see that I am doing my best to make the needed improvements in my life.
Love you, still, and I won't apologize for it,
Rachael Jean
______________________(end)__________________________________
What a bitch.
Life is a bitch.
I am refusing to believe in love until it decides to be good to me.
I'm not an addict.
I'm a happy person.
I know what I want in life.
I genuinenly care about other people.
My pills make me creative.
I don't love Danny.
So on my way to Danny's house this past Friday I decided it would be a good idea to finish off a 6 pack before arriving. Not because I felt I had to be drunk to be around him but because I knew everyone else would be drinking/drunk and I would be nervous. That and my father called Danny's mother to have her watch over me and not let me drink while I was there. Which is weird and awkward anyways... So I'm there and I had half a beer but already tipsy and Elaine wants to speak to me... She knew that I had already been drinking - she could tell when I first came over - but we sat on the front steps and talked and I can't remember exactly what we were talking about - just how my parents are hard-asses and really overbearing and I think I'd be semi-normal if they would just let me be semi-normal - getting drunk and being responsible (not driving or involving drugs) is fine (in my book anyways) and having a glass of wine with dinner is fine too (as long as it's not a bottle). And it hurts to have my parents steal away my friends - actual friends - because they are supposedly bad influences. But they don't seem to get that it's me - me - me who makes the ultimate choice to drink. And that's not fair. Now they have taken away any outside support system for me and expect me to find it on my own - through my own will.
So to be honest and frank - I don't want to quit drinking. I don't. I just want to not drink around my family and I don't want my drinking to affect my family. But I don't see how it affects them if they just trust me every once in a while.... And let me go out with someone, drink a few beers, be a little tipsy and get a ride home and just go to bed. What is the problem with that? It's not affecting anyone. Obviously I shouldn't be getting smashed and coming home and puking. But it seems the tighter my parents hold the reins the more I resist. It's absolutely awful. I don't crave drinking. I only crave drinking when my parents go out of their way to make it difficult for me to have a drink.
So what's wrong with me? I know that my parents don't trust me / don't want me to drink etc etc but how is it that I don't respect them enough to not drink? I need some independence I do believe. And the fact that I have to give my parents the phone numbers of where I'll be every freaking second of the day... It's just ridiculous. To ask my mom if I can go over to Danny's house after work and she grills me with a thousand questions - what are you going to do - how do I know his parents are really going to be there? - What are you doing for dinner - will you be around alcohol?
Another pathetic thing - my brother likes to have a beer after work. I don't care - if I'm home and in for the night I don't really give a shit if he gets tanked in front of me - it doesn't drive me to distraction and make me crave a beer. But my mother has him hide the beer in the pantry with a towel over it.... Like if I see it I'm gonna steal it? I just don't understand the logic really. And she has the AA books all over the house and tries to follow all the suggestions... Yes, that would be great mother if I was sneaking alcohol (like she suggested) into the house and hid it under my mattress. There is no doubt in my mind that she weekly searches through my stuff to see if I have hidden alcohol or coke somehwere in the house. I'm just really not that bad off. Yes, once I start drinking I have a difficult time stopping drinking. But I've proved to myself twice that I can have 2 beers / 1 glass of wine and be done with it. So I'm gaining self-control. It's just when my parents go out of their way (like calling Danny's mother or having me breathe on my mother's face so she could smell my breath when I come home or knowing the reason she is carrying on long conversations with me and giving me long lasting hugs is so she can detect alch on my breath or notice a slur in my speech) that bothers me.
I know they say the first warning sign of an alcoholic is someone who denies they have a problem drinking.
Well, I'm here to say that I have a problem STOPPING drinking ONCE I've started. I do not, however, have to get tanked on my lunch break at work so I can sober up and not smell like alcohol when I get home from work. I do not put obnoxious quantities of kahlua in my coffee in the a.m. as a creamer. I do not pour vodka in my sprite, water or tonic and pretend it's just a normal drink. I don't have a 6 pack hidden randomnly in my house or in my car.
But if I am in an environment where everyone else is drinking and I feel that I van get away with it I will have a beer and don't really stop. I never really talk to myself and say 'stop.'
OK, I'm tired of talking about that now.
And I don't really want to talk about Miami but I'm going to anyways. Because Friday when I talked to Elaine (his mom) she said that she knows I love Danny. That everyone in her family knows I love Danny. And that it's written all over my face. And that she knows how hard it is for me to have him come home for such a short time. And that in 10 years she has no idea where Danny will be but she knows that I'll be off married with a great man. Doesn't that suck? Isn't that shitty? I really started to cry then - knowing that his mother could see right through me. I thought I did a decent job of making it known that I can handle it when Danny is here. And I can handle it when Danny leaves. I'm a big girl! That's at least what I like to tell myself. But if his parents can see right through it... Obviously I'm not doing a good job of lying to myself or others. I'd love to say that I don't love Danny. I wish I could do it. But damnit, in 10th grade I fell in love with that boy. And I never fell out of love with him. I most certainly forgot about him for a while. But I never fell out of love. So everytime we see each other it's like falling in love all over again and everytime he leaves it's like having that taken away from me. Here's an excerpt from a few things we wrote back and forth on facebook...
Message History
06.20.06 Rachael: Well whatever Danny. It still fucking hurts no matter how you want to phrase our connection via facebook. I'm sorry you caught me at one of the lowest points in my life and that it has permanently affected your opinion of me.
You know I'll always still love you as best as I know how. You know I'll always want your happiness and what's best for you and if you don't want to accept me along with my flaws then I'll stay out of your life. And while I'm not trying to elevate myself - I am doing better. A lot better.
You'll always have me; even if you don't want me.
Stay safe.
I love you.
Rachael Jean
----------------------------------
re:
Danny: well hello there. alright so lets get all the pleasentries out of the way. good to hear things are going well by you. cant say i have too much to complain about in my life as it is. yes rach, i also am sorry that i seemed to catch you in one of the lowest points in your life as well. quite a shame really that i should ever have to say something like that to a person i once considered quite highly in my life. let me also say this. my dissappointment in you stems from the fact that countless times both the advice i tried to implore as well as the help i would give was basically ignored. my problem isnt that it was ignored, it is in the fact that after it was, i was reapproached with a more desperate situation that could have avoided all together and so on and so forth. still have stuff at my house? probobly, yet another oppurtunity you choose to squander in terms of getting yourself on the right track. never apologize to me for anything you have done, as i would never to you. get your self on the right track. stay away from alcohol and coke and maybe you can be the girl people once dreamed (including yourself) you could be. talk to you soon.
-----------------------------
Message History
06.20.06 Rachael: You never have anything to complain about in your life.
Most people only learn by fucking up on their own no matter what their friends say.
I was beyond help Danny and I'm sorry for ever going to you and asking for assistance.
I still have stuff at your house because I cannot drive to go get it. I am living with my parents.
I will apologize to you for what I have done because you deserve an apology.
I don't think I deserve your attitude or harsh words. I'm working on it, seriously.
Please don't ever tell me if you're in town, especially after the fact, because it hurts. I don't appreciate your blatant inactions either.
Would you like me to pay you back for half of the hotel?
I'm mad and I'm really sad and this all really hurts. You've reduced me to tears more than I can count.
I guess I'll move on now.
Love,
Rachael Jean Meyers
----------------------------------
re: re:
Danny: where to even begin. i do not desire for you to apologize for me, you have no reason to. accept the responsibilty and move on. im not sure why your sorry for asking for my assistance, it certainly could have been utilized for your benefit, maybe what you need is to get away from absolutley everything, explore the world. if you wish me to never tell you when im in town, so be it. as for my blatant inactions, i never realized there was actions i was required to take. if there is some you would prefer me to act upon, please dont hesitate and it shall be done. at the end of every somewhat important email to me you tell me your moving on. we both know this a lie and that you did a long time ago so please stop refering to it. hope all is well and i look forward to hearing from you soon.
-danny
--------------------------
06.22.06 Rachael: Here it is Danny.
1) I love you.
2) I'll apologize all I want because it makes me feel a little better, even if it doesn't fix anything.
3) Blatant inaction - purposely skipping my birthday. For the times I look forward to even hearing from you I thought that my birthday would at least guarantee an email. Turns out you avoided it altogether because you're mad.
4) Hell Danny, if I could ask you to act and it be done I'd ask for things that are obviously selfish and impractical. I wish you were home. I want you to love me. I hope you forgive me. I want you to want me. I want you to miss me. I want a redo of St. Marten.
5) Me finally moving on - yes - it's a lie. You're right. I have moved on physically. I've done my very best to not think of you when I start dating someone else. But there is not a freaking doubt in my mind that if you came home for a designated amount of time that I would drop what I had going on for you. But I never stopped loving you. Seriously. Yes, I've loved other people, or thought that I did. I've been loved by other people, or thought that I was. But what I'm going through now has quite obviously shown me who my true friends are and what boys I should hang on to and which ones I should let fall by the wayside. So far - no guy has been worth hanging on to. It's a nasty realization and I'll admit that I'm probably clinging on to this fabricated relationship that consists of me and you because most everything else in my life is being burned to the ground. I can apologize for that - I'm sorry; I know that my expectations are highly unrealistic. Quite truly, I believe love is unrealistic and, to quote a good song "love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love." But I still like to tell myself that I've fallen in love with the same guy, you, twice. I don't, however, like to tell myself that I've had my heart broken by the same guy, you, twice.
6) I genuinenly miss you. Honestly, there's not a whole lot more than I would like than to just go see a stupid Gladiators game with you. Maybe have a little mini-golf action. I'm actually really good and I would've won in St. marten if I hadn't been drinking. If you're home, obviously I would want to know. But if you're going to make it a point to not try to call me or get in contact with me - I'd rather just let myself believe that you were never actually here. Because it hurts more to know you're here and didn't want to see me.
7) All is well. All is well here. I have stayed away from alcohol. I have stayed away drugs. I have a steady job. I see a life coach. I keep my appointments with my doctor. I'm mending relationships with my family. I've ditched the losers. I've gone on 2 really great dates. It's not as bad as it was. I really hope that you can see that I am doing my best to make the needed improvements in my life.
Love you, still, and I won't apologize for it,
Rachael Jean
______________________(end)__________________________________
What a bitch.
Life is a bitch.
I am refusing to believe in love until it decides to be good to me.