(no subject)
ahh just writing some feelings quick.. once again, dont read if you dont wanna
anyway.. its like i always have these greatt guys just presented in front of me lately.. they are nice, and they have everything that maybe i used to like in a guy, but it makes me sick thinking of hanging out with them? why. a;lsjd it makes me so mad, because im not who i used to be. all i want is to be able to hang out w/ one of them and have FUN without thinking "ahh i dont want this" my mind always says no. maybe its because i've been hurt? idk... i feel like a CRACKHEAD, really. i hate the feeling i have in my tummy right now, like why are you wasting your life? and like if i give a guy a chance to get to know me that i am just setting myself up for another failure.. so i guess im looking SO far into everything that i am not giving myself a chance to have good friends or even maybe like someone... i read quote things that talk about falling in love, or songs about love and i just get pukey sick.. love is a JOKE.. for now at least... when i look at the guys that like me, i just ahh.. NO. thats what i think.. but if its a guyt hat i KNOW i would never have a chance with, it doesnt make me sick at all.. like its fine for me to talk to them, FRIEND wise.. but these guys that want to get to know me, if they even like try to talk to me im just like "ahh... " and try not to talk to them... i guess i just dont want to get involved with anyone, because really, what is the point.. i want to spend my young years having FUN with my friends... i dont want girls to hate me because i took 'their guy' i dont want any of it... its like every girl has this one guy that means the world to her.. and i dont want to break anyones heart like mine has been.. becuase its not fair.. it is NOT worth it to hurt someone else for your own satisfaction for a couple months... im 99 percent sure that most couples in hs are never going to last, so why go through and HURT someone for it... i wont do it anymore. not a chance, even if i dont really like the girl... thats how i feel. i guess i just cant wait til hs is over.. that way i can get out of this state, HOPEFULLY* CALIFORNIA with jd.. i researched it so much today.. i really wanna do it, and i hope she is serious.. if not, i might just do it alone.. michigan is too much for me.. winters are so depressing and everyone knows everything. if i ever do fall in love again, i want it to be love, i want it to be me and him.. not me him and the rest of the people... and if its not love, i want it to be FUN not drama.. im so sick of having those relationships where someone always has a problem.. i want someone that doesnt have a whole bunch of people in their lives that makes up their minds for him.. from here on out, i am going to be independent.. i dont need a guy in my life AT ALL.. i do need my friends though, i love every last one of them.. and they know* who they are... i just want it all to work out.. i dont want to be the blame for someone to be hurting, or have their hearts broken, and im not about to let someone break mine.. its mine to give away, and hell if im going to waste that.. i've made that mistake already
ahh.sorry about that
oh and great, i get to go to work for 3 hours and just think about it all.. so in depth that it makes me sick
i feel better... and dont call this a 'drama or attention' journal, because its far from it.. and you are no one to judge, so just leave me be.
anyway.. its like i always have these greatt guys just presented in front of me lately.. they are nice, and they have everything that maybe i used to like in a guy, but it makes me sick thinking of hanging out with them? why. a;lsjd it makes me so mad, because im not who i used to be. all i want is to be able to hang out w/ one of them and have FUN without thinking "ahh i dont want this" my mind always says no. maybe its because i've been hurt? idk... i feel like a CRACKHEAD, really. i hate the feeling i have in my tummy right now, like why are you wasting your life? and like if i give a guy a chance to get to know me that i am just setting myself up for another failure.. so i guess im looking SO far into everything that i am not giving myself a chance to have good friends or even maybe like someone... i read quote things that talk about falling in love, or songs about love and i just get pukey sick.. love is a JOKE.. for now at least... when i look at the guys that like me, i just ahh.. NO. thats what i think.. but if its a guyt hat i KNOW i would never have a chance with, it doesnt make me sick at all.. like its fine for me to talk to them, FRIEND wise.. but these guys that want to get to know me, if they even like try to talk to me im just like "ahh... " and try not to talk to them... i guess i just dont want to get involved with anyone, because really, what is the point.. i want to spend my young years having FUN with my friends... i dont want girls to hate me because i took 'their guy' i dont want any of it... its like every girl has this one guy that means the world to her.. and i dont want to break anyones heart like mine has been.. becuase its not fair.. it is NOT worth it to hurt someone else for your own satisfaction for a couple months... im 99 percent sure that most couples in hs are never going to last, so why go through and HURT someone for it... i wont do it anymore. not a chance, even if i dont really like the girl... thats how i feel. i guess i just cant wait til hs is over.. that way i can get out of this state, HOPEFULLY* CALIFORNIA with jd.. i researched it so much today.. i really wanna do it, and i hope she is serious.. if not, i might just do it alone.. michigan is too much for me.. winters are so depressing and everyone knows everything. if i ever do fall in love again, i want it to be love, i want it to be me and him.. not me him and the rest of the people... and if its not love, i want it to be FUN not drama.. im so sick of having those relationships where someone always has a problem.. i want someone that doesnt have a whole bunch of people in their lives that makes up their minds for him.. from here on out, i am going to be independent.. i dont need a guy in my life AT ALL.. i do need my friends though, i love every last one of them.. and they know* who they are... i just want it all to work out.. i dont want to be the blame for someone to be hurting, or have their hearts broken, and im not about to let someone break mine.. its mine to give away, and hell if im going to waste that.. i've made that mistake already
ahh.sorry about that
oh and great, i get to go to work for 3 hours and just think about it all.. so in depth that it makes me sick
i feel better... and dont call this a 'drama or attention' journal, because its far from it.. and you are no one to judge, so just leave me be.