(no subject)
I am a prisoner and I feel crazy. I can't watch tv unless the volume is down so low why bother. I can't talk on the phone unless I bury myself within my sheets, speaking in tones so quiet that it forces him to say "what? what? what?" I can't visit my beloved ex-roommate in SF because I received an enormous guilt trip from mommy dearest. I can't do ANYTHING except be here in her house on her time. I can't handle it and it makes me feel like an ungrateful bitch. I want to be INDEPENDENT from her so that when I come to visit I can stay in a hotel or with a friend and rent a car. I need my own space. Every time I think 4 or 5 days won't be so bad but it always is. I feel as though we will never break our old unhealthy patterns with each other. I can't handle her continuous "are you sure you can't come home for break? Will there be anyone in San Diego during Christmas/Hannukah to keep you company? What will you do?" etc etc. I will be trying to find a job so I can pay rent next month while already working my 20 hour a week job in the midst of trying to ace finals not to mention that I have a MONTH TO WRITE MY THESIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck I am so stressed and being stuck here trying to pacify her questions and not be rude so that I don't feel guilty about how rude I already am to her in the midst of her PD diagnosis and pain is too fucking much and I am seriously losing it and should probably stop drinking wine every night because that is only making the mood swings worse.
I am not doing well tonight.
I am not doing well tonight.