(no subject)
i`ve hated every relationshit i have ever been in. maybe
i`m just really not cut out to be a girlfriend/ significant other.
i like cuddling & smoochies, but when it comes right down
to it, i don`t give anyone a chance. i don`t mean for things
to turn out the way they do, but i can`t help how i feel. before
i even get the chance to figure out if i could eventually
develope further feelings for someone, they have already
claimed to have fallen in love with me. i`m not talking about o
ne person in general. i`m talking about EVERY guy i have talked
to/dated in the past two years.
i`m sick of people claiming they`re in love with me.
i`m sick of proposals.
to be honest: i`m not that great.
i hate doing laundry so i let it pile up in the corner of my
room. i shit EVERY DAY. i think burping is gross. my toe
nails are like eagle tallons because i am too lazy to clip
them myself. i love country music.i hate wearing socks
so my feet always smell like a dead octopus.
i don`t want to be married for a very long time.
& even so, i refuse to marry anyone i am associated
with right now.
i just want a casual relationship where we actually like
eachother. i don`t want to move fast. i want to be together
for a bunch of time before I LOVE YOUs come spilling out
& i don`t wan`t it to happen on some random night where
you get intoxicated with your friends & you spew out "I
f-ing love you." i don`t wan`t you to say something like
"i wan`t to tell you something, but i`m scared" through a
text message. i don`t want you to look "deep into my eyes"
& say it. i don`t want any mushy b/s like that.
i just wan`t it to be genuine.
it doesn`t even have to be said.
i just wan`t someone`s actions to speak louder than words
for once. i don`t want to be told that i`m loved. i wan`t to feel
loved. anyone can say someone. i know this because i
have done it plenty of times to people & now i know what
it feels like. you feel betrayal because if the person loved you,
they wouldn`t have to ever say sorry because they would
never have to think twice about doing something to mess
your relationship up.
i`m rambling.
i`ve never been lied to like this by someone i cared about so
much. this kid is one of my good friends, but how can you be
friends with someone when you know they wronged you as
a significant other? it`s so hard, but i wan`t our friendship to
work out so badly.
on another note. a long time ago, someone told me that they
loved me & without even thinking i said it back. not just a
friendly i love you. it was one of those "head over heels"
types of loves & i felt caught in the moment.
if you love someone, you would do ANYTHING for them.
& i know that. i loved someone so much once that i would
have given up my life to be with them. he`s not that person.
how do i fix something like that?
ohhhhhh man, sleep.