(no subject)
If you read this, do not say your sorry, do not give me sympathy, I haven't asked for it, and don't want it.
I don't know how many of you know that my father died 8 years ago. He died the day before fathers day that year. I've never really thought about it until today. The truth is that I pushed the pain away. My father and I were very close, and he was always the better of my two parents. When he died I felt like my whole world was dying with him, and in some ways it did. We live in house that I have no memories of him in, save for one or two when he came to visit from hospice. That was memorial day weekend. We moved into a new house for that reason... so I wouldn't have memories in every room I walked into.
The only memory I really have of him here was during that visit. We were having a barbecue. It was the last time we were all together at the house with my uncle and my grandparents. Even though it has been eight years, it still hurts. We were all sitting on the back porch and he couldn't manage to eat my granddad's ribs, so he was just eating popsicles. It was something really small, but he asked for two kinds, one first and one second. My uncle went to go get the first. My dad was really out of it, and when my uncle brought the first one, he swore up and down he had asked for second one first. It was the first time I realized that the cancer might really be killing him.
I haven't ever wrote, or talked about it before. It's really hard even to think about it. He really was my hero, so to not have him around still kills me.
And more importantly, I have only dealt in bits and pieces with the fact that he's gone. I'm buddhist so I believe his spirit is somewhere, but I don't know where, and I know that he isn't around because he said good bye. Not when he died, but in a dream. One of those ones where you know it's not just a dream. In the dream I was riding along in a car, and we were going to my old house for some reason or another, I don't know why. We parked and I remember looking out the window and seeing him. My heart skipped a beat and I got out of the car. I asked if it was him and he said yes. I remember that it felt so somber, and we talked for a minute. He said that this would be good bye, and he wouldn't be around anymore. I asked if I could have a hug, and he said no because I would just want another, and he'd never be able to give me another. That's when I realized that not even his spirit was leaving. I can remember the feeling of sorrow from that dream. It's not like a sharp sadness, but an ache deep inside.
This is the first fathers day I have acknowledge the lack of my father. In two days I will go to his grave the first time. I'm the only person in my family who hasn't seen it yet.
I think that I have been thinking about my dad more lately because I ready to feel the pain that I bottled up when it happened, and also because I'm moving and therefor I am leaving the family I've known all my life. All the things that he won't see keep coming to mind. He didn't watch me graduate from high school, he won't see me graduate from college, he won't walk me down the aisle and he will never hold a grandchild. All the things that both he and I will miss out on because cancer took him when I was young.
But things in life happen for a reason, and even though it hurts, what is the best is not always what we want. Today was fathers day, and I will never forget mine.
I don't know how many of you know that my father died 8 years ago. He died the day before fathers day that year. I've never really thought about it until today. The truth is that I pushed the pain away. My father and I were very close, and he was always the better of my two parents. When he died I felt like my whole world was dying with him, and in some ways it did. We live in house that I have no memories of him in, save for one or two when he came to visit from hospice. That was memorial day weekend. We moved into a new house for that reason... so I wouldn't have memories in every room I walked into.
The only memory I really have of him here was during that visit. We were having a barbecue. It was the last time we were all together at the house with my uncle and my grandparents. Even though it has been eight years, it still hurts. We were all sitting on the back porch and he couldn't manage to eat my granddad's ribs, so he was just eating popsicles. It was something really small, but he asked for two kinds, one first and one second. My uncle went to go get the first. My dad was really out of it, and when my uncle brought the first one, he swore up and down he had asked for second one first. It was the first time I realized that the cancer might really be killing him.
I haven't ever wrote, or talked about it before. It's really hard even to think about it. He really was my hero, so to not have him around still kills me.
And more importantly, I have only dealt in bits and pieces with the fact that he's gone. I'm buddhist so I believe his spirit is somewhere, but I don't know where, and I know that he isn't around because he said good bye. Not when he died, but in a dream. One of those ones where you know it's not just a dream. In the dream I was riding along in a car, and we were going to my old house for some reason or another, I don't know why. We parked and I remember looking out the window and seeing him. My heart skipped a beat and I got out of the car. I asked if it was him and he said yes. I remember that it felt so somber, and we talked for a minute. He said that this would be good bye, and he wouldn't be around anymore. I asked if I could have a hug, and he said no because I would just want another, and he'd never be able to give me another. That's when I realized that not even his spirit was leaving. I can remember the feeling of sorrow from that dream. It's not like a sharp sadness, but an ache deep inside.
This is the first fathers day I have acknowledge the lack of my father. In two days I will go to his grave the first time. I'm the only person in my family who hasn't seen it yet.
I think that I have been thinking about my dad more lately because I ready to feel the pain that I bottled up when it happened, and also because I'm moving and therefor I am leaving the family I've known all my life. All the things that he won't see keep coming to mind. He didn't watch me graduate from high school, he won't see me graduate from college, he won't walk me down the aisle and he will never hold a grandchild. All the things that both he and I will miss out on because cancer took him when I was young.
But things in life happen for a reason, and even though it hurts, what is the best is not always what we want. Today was fathers day, and I will never forget mine.