(no subject)
Clarity, I have determined in recent days, is entirely a matter of perception.
There is never a clear answer, to any dilemma. There are always "what ifs" and "maybes", no matter how certain one thinks that they may be.
Plain and simple.
Certain situations are as seductive to some as the euphoria induced by a drug, or sex. No matter how careful someone tries to be about choices, and lifestyle, and even controlling thought patterns, some things just cannot be resisted. I suppose this is what is referred to as human nature. I don't know. But, I'd like nothing more than to be released from the binds that keep me prisoner, unable to escape its seductive manner.
Like I typically do, I gravitate toward disaster like the proverbial mosquito to the bug zapper. It's so irresistible, so sexy and enticing. It's so bad, but oh, it's so good. I feel the full scale of my emotions, which are typically locked away in some corner of my being. Love, hate, happiness, sadness, they're so insufficient in my attempt to describe the passion and the full force of them inside me. That in itself is a source of frustration. Right along with the question, "Why can't I just make the right choice, and for once, be certain that it IS in fact the right one?" Second-guessing is my security blanket. Along with the constant need for reassurance and validation through third party sources.
It's such a tricky thing to fight, in all its forms. Sometimes, it seems to be under control, things seem to be going right. That is an illusion. Control is never actually present. It's as false as the "right" or "wrong" decision. Choices are made, constantly. Whether they are right or wrong is based within ourselves, and what we have been taught by the rest of our peers. The general views of society of "right and wrong" are so steadfast and antiquated at times, it's laughable to me.
And still, I attempt to maintain at least the illusion of control. The illusion that all is well and right in my little world. Oh, what people would think if they took the time to look beyond the facade at the chaos within. More often than not, I cling to that illusion. That pretense that all is alright. Tackling the mess beyond that is a task that seems insurmountable. I doubt I'd come out alive. Sometimes, even that is a seductive thought. Dive into the madness, let it just take me over. Keep experiencing those highs, and stay high enough that I'd simply never have to come down.
Oh, but at some point, I will come down. I always do. It pushes me right off of that little high, straight down, down and down. Sometimes low enough to forget what the high was ever like. Enough to make me despise myself and every part of my life. What do you do then? Climb out, force your way back to middle ground? Only to risk taking that fall again, or worse, risking the rediscovery of the route back to the high.
It's maintaining the middle ground that is most difficult. Not allowing simple happiness to inflate to the grandeur and false elation that comes with the high...but also keeping the disappointments that come with everyday life from dragging down to that dark abyss. It's a tricky balancing act. But, it can't show. No, it's never allowed to show. That would be inappropriate and weak. So, the rule is to maintain "normalcy" while tolerating the emotional roller coasters of everyone around me.
Never get upset when they overreact, or underreact, or fail to react at all. Always stay devoted to others, to doing anything I can do, willing to do anything for those I care about...but then I mustn't expect anything in return. To hope for reciprocation is to nurture the disappointment that is sure to follow. All the while, not reacting.
I've decided it's time to stop wanting anything for myself. It's too difficult to deal with the disappointment that I always seem to feel. Trying to put thought into anything for anyone else is a foreign concept to some. Luckily, I am familiar with this concept. I'll still continue to apply the level of effort others are accustomed to by this point, but I'll settle with the notion that it's simply not going to be returned in kind. It's a harsh lesson to learn.
So many things are going through my mind. Worry, hurt, disappointment, frustration, concern...and despite all of my talk of letting it go, there's that little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I will have paid my karmic debt one day, and will get my chance to feel what it is I try to make everyone around me feel. That they're important, that they're loved, and that I do care. It's hard to feel left in the dust, dropped when something better comes along.
And this isn't helping. The writing, usually so cathartic, just isn't helping.
There is never a clear answer, to any dilemma. There are always "what ifs" and "maybes", no matter how certain one thinks that they may be.
Plain and simple.
Certain situations are as seductive to some as the euphoria induced by a drug, or sex. No matter how careful someone tries to be about choices, and lifestyle, and even controlling thought patterns, some things just cannot be resisted. I suppose this is what is referred to as human nature. I don't know. But, I'd like nothing more than to be released from the binds that keep me prisoner, unable to escape its seductive manner.
Like I typically do, I gravitate toward disaster like the proverbial mosquito to the bug zapper. It's so irresistible, so sexy and enticing. It's so bad, but oh, it's so good. I feel the full scale of my emotions, which are typically locked away in some corner of my being. Love, hate, happiness, sadness, they're so insufficient in my attempt to describe the passion and the full force of them inside me. That in itself is a source of frustration. Right along with the question, "Why can't I just make the right choice, and for once, be certain that it IS in fact the right one?" Second-guessing is my security blanket. Along with the constant need for reassurance and validation through third party sources.
It's such a tricky thing to fight, in all its forms. Sometimes, it seems to be under control, things seem to be going right. That is an illusion. Control is never actually present. It's as false as the "right" or "wrong" decision. Choices are made, constantly. Whether they are right or wrong is based within ourselves, and what we have been taught by the rest of our peers. The general views of society of "right and wrong" are so steadfast and antiquated at times, it's laughable to me.
And still, I attempt to maintain at least the illusion of control. The illusion that all is well and right in my little world. Oh, what people would think if they took the time to look beyond the facade at the chaos within. More often than not, I cling to that illusion. That pretense that all is alright. Tackling the mess beyond that is a task that seems insurmountable. I doubt I'd come out alive. Sometimes, even that is a seductive thought. Dive into the madness, let it just take me over. Keep experiencing those highs, and stay high enough that I'd simply never have to come down.
Oh, but at some point, I will come down. I always do. It pushes me right off of that little high, straight down, down and down. Sometimes low enough to forget what the high was ever like. Enough to make me despise myself and every part of my life. What do you do then? Climb out, force your way back to middle ground? Only to risk taking that fall again, or worse, risking the rediscovery of the route back to the high.
It's maintaining the middle ground that is most difficult. Not allowing simple happiness to inflate to the grandeur and false elation that comes with the high...but also keeping the disappointments that come with everyday life from dragging down to that dark abyss. It's a tricky balancing act. But, it can't show. No, it's never allowed to show. That would be inappropriate and weak. So, the rule is to maintain "normalcy" while tolerating the emotional roller coasters of everyone around me.
Never get upset when they overreact, or underreact, or fail to react at all. Always stay devoted to others, to doing anything I can do, willing to do anything for those I care about...but then I mustn't expect anything in return. To hope for reciprocation is to nurture the disappointment that is sure to follow. All the while, not reacting.
I've decided it's time to stop wanting anything for myself. It's too difficult to deal with the disappointment that I always seem to feel. Trying to put thought into anything for anyone else is a foreign concept to some. Luckily, I am familiar with this concept. I'll still continue to apply the level of effort others are accustomed to by this point, but I'll settle with the notion that it's simply not going to be returned in kind. It's a harsh lesson to learn.
So many things are going through my mind. Worry, hurt, disappointment, frustration, concern...and despite all of my talk of letting it go, there's that little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I will have paid my karmic debt one day, and will get my chance to feel what it is I try to make everyone around me feel. That they're important, that they're loved, and that I do care. It's hard to feel left in the dust, dropped when something better comes along.
And this isn't helping. The writing, usually so cathartic, just isn't helping.