(no subject)
hey guys. just filling everyone in on the Kevin situation. and if i get rude comments back from what i say, kiss my ass. this is my life and my journal and i'm going to do what i want. so anyway.
wednesday night i told him that i didn't want to sit around just thinking there was a chance for us to get back together because who knows if there was? it was hurting me more than you could imagine. every day i'd be happy at school.. i'd think why be mad at him? we're still friends.. and then i'd come home and talk to him and miss him so much. just talking to him was pain. i tried to bring up every little thing i could think of just to stay off the subject of us. i guess i looked pretty stupid and, well, it didn't really work. i ended up bringing it up all the time. so that was pretty pointless.
so at this point i guess we're not really talking. we haven't talked for 2 days. as bad as it sounds, it really is making me feel better. i mean, i want to talk to him.. but what is an online friendship? that's like a cheap excuse for friends. he doesn't make the initiative to IM me, so i just take it that he doesn't want to talk. and the last thing i want to do is bug him. because deep down in my heart, there's still that little tiny part of me that thinks there's a chance. in reality, i pretty much gave up. but there's always that part in your heart. the last thing i want to do is ruin that too.
but yeah so i told him i wanted to end it forever.. which was one of the biggest lies of my life. but if he tells me it's over for good.. i can move on right? that was my thinking. i guess i'm being sort of selfish .. but i'm trying to make myself feel better.
i just don't know what to do though. everything reminds me of him. right now, sitting at my computer, i see the corner of a million pillows where we cuddled when he asked me to be his girlfriend. the lotion he put on my back when i was all itchy from tanning is sitting right on my computer desk.. there's a picture we got taken at the mall on top of my computer.. on my calendar hanging next to my computer desk it says '3 months' on the 14th. he's everywhere. how can i forget someone like that? how can i just be friends with someone like that? at one time we were sooo close. that's what gets me. can't we be like that again? i feel like i'm not supposed to forget you. there's something telling me not to. but why? i would be so much better without you.
i can't picture myself with anyone else. guys come into work all the time that are very cute and i'm not even attracted to them. i always think 'that wouldn't be fair to Kevin' WHY? we are over.. done.. we're nothing now. i just need some sort of closure. i'd do anything to have one more day with him. just to tell him how i feel.. and to hear straight from his mouth.. right to my face.. that he doesn't have feelings for me. i would do ANYTHING. i just need to move on. now i know it's only been 5 days.. but it's some of the worst days i ever went through. it's even worse than field hockey preseason.. now that's bad. i've cried so much that i can't even cry anymore. it seems as if the tears just shut off. what do i do? i just want it to all end and for the pain to go away.
wednesday night i told him that i didn't want to sit around just thinking there was a chance for us to get back together because who knows if there was? it was hurting me more than you could imagine. every day i'd be happy at school.. i'd think why be mad at him? we're still friends.. and then i'd come home and talk to him and miss him so much. just talking to him was pain. i tried to bring up every little thing i could think of just to stay off the subject of us. i guess i looked pretty stupid and, well, it didn't really work. i ended up bringing it up all the time. so that was pretty pointless.
so at this point i guess we're not really talking. we haven't talked for 2 days. as bad as it sounds, it really is making me feel better. i mean, i want to talk to him.. but what is an online friendship? that's like a cheap excuse for friends. he doesn't make the initiative to IM me, so i just take it that he doesn't want to talk. and the last thing i want to do is bug him. because deep down in my heart, there's still that little tiny part of me that thinks there's a chance. in reality, i pretty much gave up. but there's always that part in your heart. the last thing i want to do is ruin that too.
but yeah so i told him i wanted to end it forever.. which was one of the biggest lies of my life. but if he tells me it's over for good.. i can move on right? that was my thinking. i guess i'm being sort of selfish .. but i'm trying to make myself feel better.
i just don't know what to do though. everything reminds me of him. right now, sitting at my computer, i see the corner of a million pillows where we cuddled when he asked me to be his girlfriend. the lotion he put on my back when i was all itchy from tanning is sitting right on my computer desk.. there's a picture we got taken at the mall on top of my computer.. on my calendar hanging next to my computer desk it says '3 months' on the 14th. he's everywhere. how can i forget someone like that? how can i just be friends with someone like that? at one time we were sooo close. that's what gets me. can't we be like that again? i feel like i'm not supposed to forget you. there's something telling me not to. but why? i would be so much better without you.
i can't picture myself with anyone else. guys come into work all the time that are very cute and i'm not even attracted to them. i always think 'that wouldn't be fair to Kevin' WHY? we are over.. done.. we're nothing now. i just need some sort of closure. i'd do anything to have one more day with him. just to tell him how i feel.. and to hear straight from his mouth.. right to my face.. that he doesn't have feelings for me. i would do ANYTHING. i just need to move on. now i know it's only been 5 days.. but it's some of the worst days i ever went through. it's even worse than field hockey preseason.. now that's bad. i've cried so much that i can't even cry anymore. it seems as if the tears just shut off. what do i do? i just want it to all end and for the pain to go away.