More God Craziness
If you read my more recent post about the letter I sent to my ex, this is sort of an extension of the same topic - but it's weird God-ness, what happened this Sunday.
Once in a while, over the years, I had felt that God might have been pushing me to write that letter, but those times, until just recently, I pushed it out, writing it off to probably just being me feeling guilty and wanting to make things right. Of course, I didn't want to dig up stuff that was years old, either...but I knew without a doubt this time that it was God telling me that I HAD to do it. This Sunday was a crazy confirmation.
A lot of times, church leaders/pastors/etc. will preach a sermon at the end of a year or beginning of a new one that opens people up to beginning new and growing in their walk in the new year. Our pastor said that he wasn't thinking of doing one this year, but he felt like he had some things to say as last week went on. I can't exactly explain the full extent to how much the message meant to me, but I really want to try - mainly for my own benefit, but you're reading this if you want to.
THE BACKGROUND:
I was fascinated by mythology as a child - I have no imagination of my own, so I read hundreds of books on topics that interested me. I loved reading about Egyptian gods and goddesses, about their roles, about the heiroglyphs, the pyramids, the science, and all of that. So long ago, I decided that one of my goals when I grew up would be to visit Egypt. When I started thinking about it more as I grew older, I decided that for my honeymoon, that's where I wanted to go - I wanted to go visit the place I had dreamed of with the person I wanted to spend my life with.
When I met my ex, it was like when I met my now husband. I know saying that probably sounds sort of odd, but it honestly was. It was almost unbelievable how comfortable we were with each other, how realistic, it was like we had been friends forever. If he hadn't made some of the decisions he had, I actually believe that things would probably be different now - but of course, God provided me what I needed and who I needed afterwards...but that's neither here nor there in terms of the story. Point is, we were connected - honestly. Whether a few miles away at home, or two hours away at school, I knew when he was down - I knew when he was happy. I could honestly know - I've never felt that with anyone else, including my husband.
From the day we talked about my feelings about Egypt and going there, we agreed that if we made it that far, that's where we would go...and when we broke up, he still talked about how he loved me but needed time to become his own person [which he did - he relied too much on the opinions of others...]. He would, from time to time reassure me by telling me, "Egypt I still want..." or tell me how he still wanted to see Egypt with me and no one else. The thought of that trip - from beginning to end - meant a great deal to me. It was a place that was "ours" - as much as a place can be that you've never gone to. It was a place of reassurance - but it was also a place of pain as events transpired...because a dream was ending; plans had changed.
A series of events occurred that led me to where I am now - and...at every mention of Egypt, my brain has gone through a series of events. Quick as it is, it has left me with an indescribable feeling since. I still love it, of course, but at every mention, I can't help but remember how much I always wanted to go, the plans that my ex and I had, and then...I have felt a sense that I don't know if I'll ever make it there and of loss. No matter how much I've wanted to go, I've felt that I never will - because that was "our" place. As pleasurable as I'm sure the trip would be, it has seemed like it would be visiting a place that I shouldn't be...a place that...well, it just wouldn't feel right...I don't know how really to explain it....
[Completely a side note, bellydance has been a great therapy for me in so many ways, and I've realized that this topic is really another one. Instead of the hurt and loss that I have felt each time the thought has occurred, I am constantly surrounded by positive feelings and imagery regarding Egypt which help to replace some of that loss.]
THE SERMON
If you've made it this far, it's probably because you're wondering what could have struck me so randomly. The pastor, as I mentioned, wasn't planning on making an "opening to the new year" message, but felt led to later in the week. I think it had more meaning to me that for anyone else there - though I know it's a topic that many can relate to. The message was titled, "Exodus '09," and the phrase that pastor kept repeating was, "God takes us from Egypt to something better."
During the Exodus of the Israelites, he called them to not only let go of the pain of Egypt, but also in part of the positives so that they could anticipate and find what God had for them...because He will always lead you "from Egypt to something better." They left with much wealth from Egypt, as I left the relationship with my ex with so much more wealth than when I started: a greater faith, a better idea of who I was, and a clear idea of who I wanted and needed to be. I am so much richer because of my time with him.
"God is always calling us out of Egypt, out of our place of pain, out of our place where we never feel good enough - our Egypt - into something better. Even when we were in Egypt, we were still God's chosen." When I was with him, I was in a place where I never did feel good enough -and it wasn't because of him [not until the end, anyhow, but that's another topic for another time, perhaps]. It was a time in my life where I faced a lot of battles - with family, with friends, a rape, and losing my best friend and someone I thought I would be with [my ex]. ...but even though those difficult times, even when I couldn't see it, God was leading me to something better - and because of life's turns, I'm with my husband...who reminds me that he just wants me to be myself when I'm unsure [when he notices that I'm asking questions too much...]...who, more often than not [august '07-august '08 aside...] has been a great comfort and strength to me in so many respects.
"Don't fear what's coming - it's of the Holy Spirit [the exodus from Egypt], and don't try to do it on your own. The transition out of Egypt to something better is never easy, but hold tight to God's plan." I stopped being afraid and learned to trust in God's plan during my 2-week retreat after my breakdown...and my life has never been the same.
THE CLOSING
I can't even begin to describe what that message meant to me. I held on to Egypt so tightly, then. But God called me out of that place, out of Egypt, to somewhere better. I knew I needed to send that letter, and I committed myself to making sure to send it before I left for vacation because I knew that I had to do it before the new year...and of course, with anything uncomfortable, I began to question the decision, even though I know it was so clear that it was a God-thing. This message was just incredible confirmation for me of what I did, and of how far I've come... I still hold to the hope that someday, I'll be able to feel good about going to Cairo, or Giza...for now, it's still a while off, but I get closer every now and again to being able to clear my guilt, my pain and my hurt.
This is quite a long post - but I feel like being more transparent again...like I was to begin with. With where I am right now, it's what I need.
Once in a while, over the years, I had felt that God might have been pushing me to write that letter, but those times, until just recently, I pushed it out, writing it off to probably just being me feeling guilty and wanting to make things right. Of course, I didn't want to dig up stuff that was years old, either...but I knew without a doubt this time that it was God telling me that I HAD to do it. This Sunday was a crazy confirmation.
A lot of times, church leaders/pastors/etc. will preach a sermon at the end of a year or beginning of a new one that opens people up to beginning new and growing in their walk in the new year. Our pastor said that he wasn't thinking of doing one this year, but he felt like he had some things to say as last week went on. I can't exactly explain the full extent to how much the message meant to me, but I really want to try - mainly for my own benefit, but you're reading this if you want to.
THE BACKGROUND:
I was fascinated by mythology as a child - I have no imagination of my own, so I read hundreds of books on topics that interested me. I loved reading about Egyptian gods and goddesses, about their roles, about the heiroglyphs, the pyramids, the science, and all of that. So long ago, I decided that one of my goals when I grew up would be to visit Egypt. When I started thinking about it more as I grew older, I decided that for my honeymoon, that's where I wanted to go - I wanted to go visit the place I had dreamed of with the person I wanted to spend my life with.
When I met my ex, it was like when I met my now husband. I know saying that probably sounds sort of odd, but it honestly was. It was almost unbelievable how comfortable we were with each other, how realistic, it was like we had been friends forever. If he hadn't made some of the decisions he had, I actually believe that things would probably be different now - but of course, God provided me what I needed and who I needed afterwards...but that's neither here nor there in terms of the story. Point is, we were connected - honestly. Whether a few miles away at home, or two hours away at school, I knew when he was down - I knew when he was happy. I could honestly know - I've never felt that with anyone else, including my husband.
From the day we talked about my feelings about Egypt and going there, we agreed that if we made it that far, that's where we would go...and when we broke up, he still talked about how he loved me but needed time to become his own person [which he did - he relied too much on the opinions of others...]. He would, from time to time reassure me by telling me, "Egypt I still want..." or tell me how he still wanted to see Egypt with me and no one else. The thought of that trip - from beginning to end - meant a great deal to me. It was a place that was "ours" - as much as a place can be that you've never gone to. It was a place of reassurance - but it was also a place of pain as events transpired...because a dream was ending; plans had changed.
A series of events occurred that led me to where I am now - and...at every mention of Egypt, my brain has gone through a series of events. Quick as it is, it has left me with an indescribable feeling since. I still love it, of course, but at every mention, I can't help but remember how much I always wanted to go, the plans that my ex and I had, and then...I have felt a sense that I don't know if I'll ever make it there and of loss. No matter how much I've wanted to go, I've felt that I never will - because that was "our" place. As pleasurable as I'm sure the trip would be, it has seemed like it would be visiting a place that I shouldn't be...a place that...well, it just wouldn't feel right...I don't know how really to explain it....
[Completely a side note, bellydance has been a great therapy for me in so many ways, and I've realized that this topic is really another one. Instead of the hurt and loss that I have felt each time the thought has occurred, I am constantly surrounded by positive feelings and imagery regarding Egypt which help to replace some of that loss.]
THE SERMON
If you've made it this far, it's probably because you're wondering what could have struck me so randomly. The pastor, as I mentioned, wasn't planning on making an "opening to the new year" message, but felt led to later in the week. I think it had more meaning to me that for anyone else there - though I know it's a topic that many can relate to. The message was titled, "Exodus '09," and the phrase that pastor kept repeating was, "God takes us from Egypt to something better."
During the Exodus of the Israelites, he called them to not only let go of the pain of Egypt, but also in part of the positives so that they could anticipate and find what God had for them...because He will always lead you "from Egypt to something better." They left with much wealth from Egypt, as I left the relationship with my ex with so much more wealth than when I started: a greater faith, a better idea of who I was, and a clear idea of who I wanted and needed to be. I am so much richer because of my time with him.
"God is always calling us out of Egypt, out of our place of pain, out of our place where we never feel good enough - our Egypt - into something better. Even when we were in Egypt, we were still God's chosen." When I was with him, I was in a place where I never did feel good enough -and it wasn't because of him [not until the end, anyhow, but that's another topic for another time, perhaps]. It was a time in my life where I faced a lot of battles - with family, with friends, a rape, and losing my best friend and someone I thought I would be with [my ex]. ...but even though those difficult times, even when I couldn't see it, God was leading me to something better - and because of life's turns, I'm with my husband...who reminds me that he just wants me to be myself when I'm unsure [when he notices that I'm asking questions too much...]...who, more often than not [august '07-august '08 aside...] has been a great comfort and strength to me in so many respects.
"Don't fear what's coming - it's of the Holy Spirit [the exodus from Egypt], and don't try to do it on your own. The transition out of Egypt to something better is never easy, but hold tight to God's plan." I stopped being afraid and learned to trust in God's plan during my 2-week retreat after my breakdown...and my life has never been the same.
THE CLOSING
I can't even begin to describe what that message meant to me. I held on to Egypt so tightly, then. But God called me out of that place, out of Egypt, to somewhere better. I knew I needed to send that letter, and I committed myself to making sure to send it before I left for vacation because I knew that I had to do it before the new year...and of course, with anything uncomfortable, I began to question the decision, even though I know it was so clear that it was a God-thing. This message was just incredible confirmation for me of what I did, and of how far I've come... I still hold to the hope that someday, I'll be able to feel good about going to Cairo, or Giza...for now, it's still a while off, but I get closer every now and again to being able to clear my guilt, my pain and my hurt.
This is quite a long post - but I feel like being more transparent again...like I was to begin with. With where I am right now, it's what I need.