I feel crappy!
Ugh, honestly. I went to the psychiatrists office [after about a year and a half of not going to one] because my traditional practitioner won't give me sleep meds because I'm bipolar...
So I go in there, just wanting to get set up with a practitioner and get something to help me sleep, and that's it. Being in there was one of the most degrading things I've had happen to me in the last few years.
Of course, he wants me to talk about every little painful thing that's ever happened to me, including my rape, and I start crying a little bit...and because I'm stressed from having to be there in the first place, not really comfortable, AND having to talk about it all, I can't stop crying. It's just a trickle, but it's constant - and even though I'm talking rationally and normally, because there are tears accompanying it...he, of course, thinks - "oh, she's not doing well" - and so tells me that I'm not doing as well as I think I am and that homeopathy and sleep meds aren't ever going to be definitive treatment for someone who describes so many bipolar symptoms.
I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH MY SYMPTOMS VERY WELL OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS - yes, I still have some, but I don't let them control me - and EVERYONE has bad days now and again.
I try to talk to him about the fact that I've been doing so well, and he doesn't believe me at all. I tell him that I watch my moods and keep a daily mood log. I tell him about my support system I have who tell me when they see something out of place with me. I tell him not to pay attention to the tears - they're just a biological response to the stress and not something to worry about...
...and again he keeps stressing that what I'm doing, no matter how well I think I am, it's never going to be enough. "I think you're a lot more depressed than you think you are..." he keeps saying - because he sees the tears.
But I FEEL fine! Honestly, I'm not depressed in feeling, and I can deal with the occasional biological response of tears - because it doesn't stop me from functioning...it just keeps me from what HE thinks is "normal." He made me feel like a lesser person, somewhat - because he wouldn't listen to me that I felt alright and that this doesn't happen much at all [just when I'm anxious and feel pushed into a corner - but I still THINK rationally].
And here's the worst part:
I LET him make me feel like that. No one can make you feel anything unless you let them. Not at first, of course, but in the end, after over an hour of discussion [just on this point - the entire appt was about 2 hours total], I finally felt low enough that I let him talk me into taking an antipsychotic for sleep instead of something more tame.
I talked to him for quite a while about believing that knowing how to control symptoms and work through them instead of suppressing them with medication was healthier for me, and that ANYONE at ANY time can have a breakdown or have problems, medicated or not.
And I told him that I hadn't been sleeping and it was getting to my moods - and that happens to EVERYONE who doesn't sleep - not just people with mental illness.
But he kept questioning me and trying to make me question my own sanity and how well I thought I had been doing...until it finally got down to the end of the appt and he wouldn't budge...so I gave in. It wasn't what I wanted - just a sleep aid - but a medication for the bipolar tha I'm controlling well on my own.
And I don't know what to do about it besides try it out...and maybe it'll work...but I can't help feeling that I've let myself down - and everyone else in the process by giving in to someone who didn't want to even listen to me that I was alright without medication. I've just shown to myself that I can advocate for others but not for myself. I can talk to other people's supports and doctors, but I can't stand up for myself.
Or did I?
Is this really such a downfall - such a disappointment and a disgrace - or did I get what I wanted while letting him have what he wanted? If this helps me sleep, great. But it's not what I wanted, not really.
What do I do?!? Honestly. I don't care if I necessarily get the ativan, but I need something because I can't exist on NO sleep. I need something to help me get some rest.
And the sleeplessness is a symptom of the bipolar...so maybe if I took something for the bipolar, I would sleep better anyway? That's my problem. I let someone cut me down and make me question my ability to function - my ability to make decisions for myself... but...it may cure my problem after all...just not the way I wanted.
In either case, he's the closest psychiatrist to me - the only one w/in 45 minutes of here...so it wouldn't be an easy thing to switch - but I'm definitely going to go back in and tell him that I don't like how he dealt with the issue - we weren't partners in the decision, not really. He didn't seem to care about the fact that I've been traditional-med free for the last 2 years and have been finding other ways to control my feelings and symptoms - he just cared that I would get back on meds...because to him, I can't get better w/o them.
If I take them and they work, then he's right...and his belief that people can't recover w/o meds is strengthened. If I take them and I sleep better...then I sleep AND feel better...
But I've lost my dignity and my ability to make my own choices. I'm definitely talking to him when I go in to see him next, but what do you all think about the situation? Am I losing ground? Should I go back and tell him that if he won't work with me on regular sleep meds that I won't see him anymore? If I get what I need, does it really matter?
I just don't know. It's not what I want, but if I get what I want out of it, does it really matter? That's my main question - and if you could lend a word, that'd be awesome. Thanks.
The bipolar causes the sleeplessness, but the sleeplessness also causes the bipolar. So who wins? Tame one, tame the other? I feel so much better when I sleep, but who knows, maybe I'll sleep better when I control the bipolar?
But the bipolar is already controlled. I'm honestly doing well...I JUST NEED SLEEP... so what do I do?
If you have time to read a somewhat lengthy entry, I'd really appreciate some advice on this [even if you don't have experience with it]...thanks in advance. :-)
So I go in there, just wanting to get set up with a practitioner and get something to help me sleep, and that's it. Being in there was one of the most degrading things I've had happen to me in the last few years.
Of course, he wants me to talk about every little painful thing that's ever happened to me, including my rape, and I start crying a little bit...and because I'm stressed from having to be there in the first place, not really comfortable, AND having to talk about it all, I can't stop crying. It's just a trickle, but it's constant - and even though I'm talking rationally and normally, because there are tears accompanying it...he, of course, thinks - "oh, she's not doing well" - and so tells me that I'm not doing as well as I think I am and that homeopathy and sleep meds aren't ever going to be definitive treatment for someone who describes so many bipolar symptoms.
I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH MY SYMPTOMS VERY WELL OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS - yes, I still have some, but I don't let them control me - and EVERYONE has bad days now and again.
I try to talk to him about the fact that I've been doing so well, and he doesn't believe me at all. I tell him that I watch my moods and keep a daily mood log. I tell him about my support system I have who tell me when they see something out of place with me. I tell him not to pay attention to the tears - they're just a biological response to the stress and not something to worry about...
...and again he keeps stressing that what I'm doing, no matter how well I think I am, it's never going to be enough. "I think you're a lot more depressed than you think you are..." he keeps saying - because he sees the tears.
But I FEEL fine! Honestly, I'm not depressed in feeling, and I can deal with the occasional biological response of tears - because it doesn't stop me from functioning...it just keeps me from what HE thinks is "normal." He made me feel like a lesser person, somewhat - because he wouldn't listen to me that I felt alright and that this doesn't happen much at all [just when I'm anxious and feel pushed into a corner - but I still THINK rationally].
And here's the worst part:
I LET him make me feel like that. No one can make you feel anything unless you let them. Not at first, of course, but in the end, after over an hour of discussion [just on this point - the entire appt was about 2 hours total], I finally felt low enough that I let him talk me into taking an antipsychotic for sleep instead of something more tame.
I talked to him for quite a while about believing that knowing how to control symptoms and work through them instead of suppressing them with medication was healthier for me, and that ANYONE at ANY time can have a breakdown or have problems, medicated or not.
And I told him that I hadn't been sleeping and it was getting to my moods - and that happens to EVERYONE who doesn't sleep - not just people with mental illness.
But he kept questioning me and trying to make me question my own sanity and how well I thought I had been doing...until it finally got down to the end of the appt and he wouldn't budge...so I gave in. It wasn't what I wanted - just a sleep aid - but a medication for the bipolar tha I'm controlling well on my own.
And I don't know what to do about it besides try it out...and maybe it'll work...but I can't help feeling that I've let myself down - and everyone else in the process by giving in to someone who didn't want to even listen to me that I was alright without medication. I've just shown to myself that I can advocate for others but not for myself. I can talk to other people's supports and doctors, but I can't stand up for myself.
Or did I?
Is this really such a downfall - such a disappointment and a disgrace - or did I get what I wanted while letting him have what he wanted? If this helps me sleep, great. But it's not what I wanted, not really.
What do I do?!? Honestly. I don't care if I necessarily get the ativan, but I need something because I can't exist on NO sleep. I need something to help me get some rest.
And the sleeplessness is a symptom of the bipolar...so maybe if I took something for the bipolar, I would sleep better anyway? That's my problem. I let someone cut me down and make me question my ability to function - my ability to make decisions for myself... but...it may cure my problem after all...just not the way I wanted.
In either case, he's the closest psychiatrist to me - the only one w/in 45 minutes of here...so it wouldn't be an easy thing to switch - but I'm definitely going to go back in and tell him that I don't like how he dealt with the issue - we weren't partners in the decision, not really. He didn't seem to care about the fact that I've been traditional-med free for the last 2 years and have been finding other ways to control my feelings and symptoms - he just cared that I would get back on meds...because to him, I can't get better w/o them.
If I take them and they work, then he's right...and his belief that people can't recover w/o meds is strengthened. If I take them and I sleep better...then I sleep AND feel better...
But I've lost my dignity and my ability to make my own choices. I'm definitely talking to him when I go in to see him next, but what do you all think about the situation? Am I losing ground? Should I go back and tell him that if he won't work with me on regular sleep meds that I won't see him anymore? If I get what I need, does it really matter?
I just don't know. It's not what I want, but if I get what I want out of it, does it really matter? That's my main question - and if you could lend a word, that'd be awesome. Thanks.
The bipolar causes the sleeplessness, but the sleeplessness also causes the bipolar. So who wins? Tame one, tame the other? I feel so much better when I sleep, but who knows, maybe I'll sleep better when I control the bipolar?
But the bipolar is already controlled. I'm honestly doing well...I JUST NEED SLEEP... so what do I do?
If you have time to read a somewhat lengthy entry, I'd really appreciate some advice on this [even if you don't have experience with it]...thanks in advance. :-)