Another Aunt Gail Forward, and one from chocolate3807
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" --- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER", a WHINER or a "MOANER" --- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" --- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" --- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" --- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" --- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" --- She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" --- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you --- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" --- She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" --- She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" --- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" --- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" --- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" --- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" --- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" --- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" --- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL REAR" --- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" --- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" --- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" --- He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".
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You know you're from Michigan if...
1. You've never met any celebrities. [check]
2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point. [hehe...we had season passes most of my life and kept our boat at the marina while I was in high school]
3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game. [not family, but friends, sure]
4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian [not anymore!! haha! I've escaped fake-money!!]
5. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right. [not ME, but Hans did. :-P]
6. Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel. [it's a lot different here in metro-Atlanta, I assure you]
7. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre. [I escaped w/o ever learning to play euchre...which was an accomplishment in itself, since I grew up in or around band, choir and theatre]
8. It's easy to get VERNORS Ginger Ale, Sanders Hot Fudge sauce and Faygo Pop. [What, no mention of BetterMade potato chips?? I miss vernors. ]
9. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac." [totally. AND...I can pronounce Sault Ste. Marie properly]
10. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day. [check, stupid michigan weather...]
11. You bake with SODA and drink a POP. [I've been caught speaking like that down here once or twice...]
12. The movie "Escanaba in Da Moonlight" wasn't funny. You consider it a documentary. [never saw it...maybe I should?]
13. Your little league game was snowed out. [no little league for me...but in 2004 and 2005 it snowed many inches on the last weekend in April...not sure about this year, since I wasn't there!]
14. The word "thumb" has geographical meaning, rather than anatomical significance. [totally]
15. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on the back of your left hand. [*face-palm*]
16. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon. [hah.]
17. You measure distance in minutes. [not anymore!]
18. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left." [always]
19. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but it is either raining or snowing there. [:-P]
20. Your year has 2 seasons: winter and construction. [so true in Michigan. HAHAHA! I GOT OUT OF THERE!!!]
21. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas. [also true]
22. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms. [I was just talking about that the other day, actually. :-P weird.]
23. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown. [Actually, owning anything other than a GM was forbidden, since my family - father, aunt and grandfather - all worke(d) for GM]
24. Everyone you meet out of state thinks you know Eminem personally. [not Eminem, but KidRock, since I lived near and went to the Romeo schools]
25. You actually understand everything I just said [all but that movie one...]
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" --- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER", a WHINER or a "MOANER" --- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" --- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" --- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" --- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" --- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" --- She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" --- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you --- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" --- She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" --- She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" --- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" --- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" --- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" --- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" --- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" --- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" --- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL REAR" --- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" --- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" --- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" --- He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're from Michigan if...
1. You've never met any celebrities. [check]
2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point. [hehe...we had season passes most of my life and kept our boat at the marina while I was in high school]
3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game. [not family, but friends, sure]
4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian [not anymore!! haha! I've escaped fake-money!!]
5. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right. [not ME, but Hans did. :-P]
6. Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel. [it's a lot different here in metro-Atlanta, I assure you]
7. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre. [I escaped w/o ever learning to play euchre...which was an accomplishment in itself, since I grew up in or around band, choir and theatre]
8. It's easy to get VERNORS Ginger Ale, Sanders Hot Fudge sauce and Faygo Pop. [What, no mention of BetterMade potato chips?? I miss vernors. ]
9. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac." [totally. AND...I can pronounce Sault Ste. Marie properly]
10. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day. [check, stupid michigan weather...]
11. You bake with SODA and drink a POP. [I've been caught speaking like that down here once or twice...]
12. The movie "Escanaba in Da Moonlight" wasn't funny. You consider it a documentary. [never saw it...maybe I should?]
13. Your little league game was snowed out. [no little league for me...but in 2004 and 2005 it snowed many inches on the last weekend in April...not sure about this year, since I wasn't there!]
14. The word "thumb" has geographical meaning, rather than anatomical significance. [totally]
15. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on the back of your left hand. [*face-palm*]
16. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon. [hah.]
17. You measure distance in minutes. [not anymore!]
18. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left." [always]
19. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but it is either raining or snowing there. [:-P]
20. Your year has 2 seasons: winter and construction. [so true in Michigan. HAHAHA! I GOT OUT OF THERE!!!]
21. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas. [also true]
22. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms. [I was just talking about that the other day, actually. :-P weird.]
23. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown. [Actually, owning anything other than a GM was forbidden, since my family - father, aunt and grandfather - all worke(d) for GM]
24. Everyone you meet out of state thinks you know Eminem personally. [not Eminem, but KidRock, since I lived near and went to the Romeo schools]
25. You actually understand everything I just said [all but that movie one...]