why am i procrastinating
Well i finished half of the essay i need to write. That's good i suppose. i will finish it after im done procrastinating.Im just having a hard time composing it. Truthfully its crap but oh well it has to be done by tomorrow. i also need to build a prop for the wizard of oz, for intro. i really cant wait for quarter to be over, the more i think of it the more i wish i had taken a break before i started college. i love school, but i dont like being on schedule. Its difficult for me. Wouldnt it be cool to just leave pack a back pack and some money and just go. I dont think i have the guts to do that, i was too sheltered as a child. Well i relized im going to be here during Broadway Bound, the CBC trip. its a lot of money but it seems worth it maybe i should go. or maybe i should save my money and go up there on my own some time and not worry aboutgoing now. i dont know. the more i think about it the more im so glad that i got the Disney program internship. just the right amount of time for me to be away and see things and have a wonderful expierence and grow up and learn to take care of myself. Be independent. Im still so scared, I know its only 4 months but what if Jake and I's relationship isnt as strong as i hope it is. Im really not that worried about him, its me. Sometimes i think that i want more out of life than he does. its just the way i was raised and he was raised. i was raised by a feminist mom who told me to reach as high as i can, he was raised very family oriented, so thats what he wants a family. i just wished sometimes that he had worries, or at least ones he would tell me, i think he thinks he has to be the one who KNOWS everythings ok and pretend that theres not a doubt in his mind that me leaving is not going to change a thing. I know that im not going to find anyone else up there i want to be with, i m worried that im going to like being independent too much. I love jake so much, it disgusts me to think of myself even kissing another guy, i could never be the way i am with jake with anyone else. but yet sometimes i wish i could put everything on hold with him and me and i could go and do the things i really have to do and see what i want to see and be what i want to be. then start right back up where we left off. im 18 years old and sometimes i think that if Jake asked me to marry him I would in a heartbeat tonight, but nows not the time, we would have NO ones blessing and its important to me to have atleast my fathers blessing. than i relize that Im 18 years old and im planing my whole life already. Ive given up all my dreams ive never tried for. Im gonna grow up not nowing what i could have been. maybe it will all work out if i stop thinking so much of the future of him and i. it dosent really matter though because no matter what I need him in my life. Sorry this post was mostly for my self if you actually read it dont think this is how i am all the time, its only because i have a hard time speaking these words that i must write them.