the fucking epic roadtrip ; and other stupid shit
so here is a story that i'm co-writing with my friend rosalie
The Fucking Epic Roadtrip
and other stupid shit
A story by Rosalie and Rachel
Chapter One: Get your combat boots off the dashboard, you’re squishing my happy meal
Staring out at the dusty road, feet propped against the dash of Scotty’s pick up, Kent Chambers felt a strong sense of calm envelope him. Most people said that after getting stoned they felt as if they were permanently paranoid, and that someone was out to get them. But that wasn't the case for Kent. He was more of a relaxed stoner boy, that either got extremely free feeling or couldn't hold his attention for longer than a few seconds, or he got supremely horny. But, it’s not like being horny was that different for Kent whether he was stoned or not. Sober or completely and totally wasted, Kent really was always horny. Shirtless, Kent rubbed his fingers along the outlines of one of the tattoos on his arm, as if he could feel the raised ink.
Sitting beside him in the driver’s seat was Scotty Wright, flipping through the latest issue of NYLON magazine, a blue Ring Pop dangling off his left pinky finger. Images of models, singers, and ads bounced off the glossy pages until Scotty finally found what he was looking for. They were parked at a gas-station McDonald’s waiting to get filled up. Empty Happy Meal containers were covering the floor of the beat up truck because Scotty had to have the toys.
"Okay. Why did they pick that one?" he asked Kent, pointing to a picture of him. The article had quoted Scotty saying "I'm really surprised that people would want to wear a pair of underwear that has “The Fucking Peaches” stamped on the ass, but people are weird." Scotty smirked, having forgotten that, and better yet, the face of the interviewer when he'd said that.
"Fuck if I know," Kent responded shrugging as he leaned back against the seat staring down at the images on the glossy magazine. "I know I wouldn't wear anything that had The Fucking Peaches stamped on the ass, but maybe that’s just me." Kent drawled slowly. As of lately, Kent had been going through a stage where everything he said contained kind of a slow southern drawl. It wasn't as if Kent was from anywhere in the south though. He was definitely an small town boy from a remote town in Nevada.
No, you'd only like your ass stamped with Victoria's Secret. Scotty smirked to himself. Honestly, it was no secret that Kent had a women's lingerie fetish, but no matter how cool Kent tried to play it off, Scotty still found it a bit unnerving.
Sighing loudly Kent began picking up cigarette butts and tossing them out the window, missing by quite a large margin. Turning to Scotty he frowned. "Dude," he began, toying with a spinning Monster’s Inc character that Scotty had almost hyperventilated about earlier. "I'm so freaking' tired of this road trip already. Don't you want to go out to a party or something? Watch me get wasted, since you are too much of a pussy to drink anything." Kent teased Scotty about his straightedge style, but it's not like it was anything new to him, he was used to Scotty taking his coke without the rum.
"You shit. I'm not the one with a unicorn tattooed on my ass. Now who's the pussy?" Scotty replied with a laugh. It was always like this between Kent and Scotty ever since he could remember. Playful banter between two best friends. The two had never gotten into any serious fights.
Kent barked out a laugh. "Whatever man, I don't have a unicorn on my ass. It's a heart so go fuck yourself." Rolling his eyes he lit up the roach he had been saving and began inhaling it slowly, not caring that they were in a public place, and that you know, pot’s like illegal and stuff.” Seriously though, what do you want to do tonight, I'm not going to sit here and watch you stress about your fashion stuff and complain about having to take a piss every two minutes; you need to do something more exciting. Like help me get some ass, because it's been way too long since I've had any." Kent said honestly, knowing he sounded like an asshole, but it didn't really matter because Kent kind of was an asshole
With the hand that wasn't holding the Roach, Kent began feeling a spot on his stomach that oddly enough, wasn't covered with some sort of ink, and he wondered briefly if it would be a good idea for him to get a tattoo there. Maybe this time he could get something interesting, like an ad for Scotty's The Fucking Peaches. A walking advertisement would help Scotty, since Kent didn't spend much time wearing a shirt anyway.
Scotty rolled his eyes, fanning the musky smoke away from his face. There had once been a time where he would've asked for a hit, but that wasn't him anymore.
"I'm pretty sure you got laid like, last week." Scotty said, sucking on his ring pop until his tongue was smurf blue. "Not to mention that you'll be surrounded by women as soon as we get to NYC when I hit it big, granted, they are all there to see moi." Scotty laughed, tossing the remains of his Ring Pop into the ash tray. Scotty wasn't one to brag, and he was sure that he wouldn't be getting that much attention for his line anyway.
"The last time I got laid it was Monday, and it was by some blonde chick with a lisp, so it doesn't count." Kent shot back as he closed his eyes and sucked in the last bit of the roach before throwing it in the ash tray with Scotty’s ring pop. He sighed inaudibly as he started humming to himself, a song that had no real melody or harmony, a song that he wasn't even sure really existed. But that was the good part about being constantly stoned, you were stuck someplace between reality and the reality that you created with your tricked out mind.
"Scotty, Bobotty, I think we are going to have the freaking time of our lives on this road trip, I can seal it." Then, realizing his slip up in grammar, he began giggling and running his fingers through his slightly greasy hair. "Feel it, I mean. I mean I can feel it. Feels good." Kent chuckled at himself as he opened his eyes and squinted into the sunlight.
Scotty giggled, and then cleared his throat to cover up his temporary loss of manly laughter. "Uhm, yeah man. I can seal it too." he said with a chuckle, this time a low rumble as he dug out something from the pocket of his purple skinnies. He looked at Kent, waiting for him to remark on the constant crackling sound that followed Scotty everywhere.
"Want one?" he asked, tossing a pastel candy necklace to his friend before biting open he package to his own. Scotty had to agree with Kent. There was definitely some potential to this little adventure.
"Sure," Kent said stringing the necklace around his neck, but never taking a bite out of it. He wasn't really in the mood to eat some hard candy that had been riding around in Scotty's back pocket or wherever the fuck he kept them, for who knows how freaking long. "Y'know," Kent mused aloud as he began feeling the necklace and slowly moving the cheap candy up and down. "It may be time for you to possibly start thinking about ditching that freaking candy. It's kind of hard to pick up attractive woman with you crinkling away in the back ground." Kent said rolling his eyes.
It wasn't like the crinkling was anything knew to Kent but it seemed to be happening much more frequently, recently. Maybe it was Kent's imagination but that was doubtful. Attention switching quickly Kent began running his fingers through Scotty's hair. It was getting much longer these days, and was much better kept than Kent. Thus, when stoned, Kent preferred to feel Scotty's head over his own.
Scotty smirked. It had only taken him a few moments of waiting to hear Kent ramble on about his total disapproval of Scotty's candy obsession. The two argued over many things, but it always came down to two things.
Candy and alcohol.
I mean, if you think about it, one is significantly more dangerous than the other, but god forbid Scotty turn off some ladies over a package of gummy bears.
"Dude, what have I told you about touching The Hair?" Scotty swatted at Kent's hand, moving back a foot.
"The hair?" Kent repeated, his mouth dropping open as he stroked the air for a few moments before it hit him that there actually wasn't anything there for him to feel anymore. "Scotty. Don't name your hair. Or, at least, don't let anyone other than me know that you named it. In fact, while we are on the topic, let's just pretend that it never occurred, all right?" Kent settled back comfortably and closed his eyes and then popped them open again, grinning widely.
"You know what I was just thinking. To make money for The Fucking Peaches, we should hold this sick nasty competition, based on the amount of money we raise. Picture us at a bar, all right? And then we ask people to donate money into two jars. One for me to get The Fucking Peaches stamped on my stomach, the other for you to shave off all your hair. People donate and it all goes to your clothes shit."
Scotty gasped loudly, so loudly in fact, a flock of pigeons that were happy picking at the grass got up and flew away. Eyes wide, Scotty's hands flew to his hair automatically as he tried to grasp what Kent had just said.
Okay, sure that was probably the most brilliant marketing idea ever. "Never. No. Not happening." Scotty said quickly, stuffing his mouth with his necklace before he could agree to something he definitely would regret later. Chewing, he thought it over, impressed that this didn't even require a Twix bar.
"Though I'm not entirely apposed to the tattoo idea."
Kent scoffed loudly. "Oh so when it's my body we are risking, it is quite all right. That's such garbage. I can't believe that are you willing to let someone stamp a label on me, brand me like a cow might I add, for your company. I'll have you know that I am supremely allergic to certain inks and I can't just go around getting tattoos for the fun of it. No, I carefully think out each and every one of these things," Kent rambled on nonsensically.
"In fact, he continued. I'm thinking about paying money to get all of my tattoos removed, just so you know. Because, I don't think that anyone takes me seriously anymore." Kent said, repeating a rant that he gave at the very least once a week.
Scotty laughed, shaking his head at his friend. "Wow that has to be the most bullshit I've heard from you in the longest time." Scotty replied, biting off another chunk of his candy necklace. He patted his pocket feeling the pack of Finding Nemo fruit snacks that he'd probably save for later.
"I mean, first of all, every girl you fuck you get her name stamped on you. Then you gotta go and spend a bazillion dollars getting it covered up with some shitty symbol. That's so not thinking things through man." Scotty said, pushing some of his hair away from his eyes.
"And if you recall this was your idea, or can you not remember thirty seconds ago?"
"Screw you. I can remember the last thirty seconds just fine, thank you very much." Kent said loudly. Much louder than what was actually necessary.
"Scotty man. I just wanted to let you know that, I love you man. Not in the weird, homosexual manner, naturally. Just that I have a lot of love for you. And, I'm just glad that I have you y'know? Because you are my best friend. And I love you."
Scotty rolled his eyes, used to Kent's seemingly gay rants whenever he had a little too much to drink or smoke. When these outbursts of flamboyancy, or what Scotty called homobursts, had first occurred, Scotty was a little wary. Now however, he knew that it was just a by product of the rock star life his friend lived.
"Love you too man..." Scotty replied, but it was an honest statement. Scotty had put up with Kent so long, and without Scotty, Kent would most likely be in a ditch somewhere.
"Scotty...." Kent began again before cutting himself off as he saw something different amble its way into the parking lot in which they were sitting idle. Squinting for a few moments, Kent couldn't quite make out what it was. It seemed to be kind of big and scary looking almost like a wolf. Whatever could be roaming around a gas station just outside of Nevada? A raccoon.
It was big, black, and kind of mangy looking as if it hadn't gotten a bath or a good haircut in quite a while. Kent's mouth fell open in a sudden moment of boyish excitement. "Ohmigosh. Scotty. Can we keep him?"
"Omigosh NO." Scotty said, rolling his eyes. Obviously Kent forgot about Scotty's allergies and how he'd almost died when Kent brought home a stray cat once.
Scotty giggled at Kent. He'd never had much of a manly laugh, and that was probably because he was supposed to be a girl when he was born. His mother had always complained to Scotty saying "Gosh, I was all ready to name you Molly." No wonder he was the boy with the purple pants, clothing line, and candy bracelets. It was so weird seeing himself next to Kent sometimes. Kent was a "Man's Man" and Scotty was "that girly kid".
"Are you serious? How can you resist a freaking raccoon? It's like you have no heart man, really. I mean for a boy who has such a flamboyant clothing line, it would seem that you would be in closer touch with your feelings. For instance, what type of guy can resist a homeless raccoon? It's absurd." Looking down on the seat, Kent noticed how his small Nokia brick phone began vibrating on the leather. Glancing at the small screen he smiled, the raccoon completely forgotten. "Y'know Scotty, one of these days I'm going to hook you up with a good girl. Not a silly little whore that is willing to give in to any sort of temptation that is given to them. Because, I think that it is time for us to settle down. The next relationship that I'm going to be in will be a serious one. Because I'm really ready to be tied down and start chilling out with the drugs and alcohol."
Was Kent serious? No, not in the least. But, when he was under the influence of anything, he said so many things that he didn't mean it was hard to remember what exactly the unintoxicated Kent said.
Sighing, Scotty stood up, brushing the dirt off his jeans and rolling his eyes for about the millionth time since the two had started talking. "Yeah yeah. You say that twice a week man." Scotty said, playing with the ends of his train wreck hair.
Scotty never really got into the whole relationship deal. I mean, sure, he'd had a few girlfriends, nothing serious though. He'd just always been occupied with other things.
Kent looked up at Scotty curiously, wondering why he was standing up. "Where are you off to in such a hurry? I have something in my pocket that I've been dying to use. It's a tablet E that a friend hooked me up with."
Scratching his head, Scotty looked past Kent and out onto the dusty deserted road ahead. Seeming peaceful and calm, it was like it didn't deserve to overhear their conversation about drugs. The guy filling up Scotty’s truck finished up and took his money with a grunt. “Alright man, where to?”
Kent grinned at his best friend as he pulled out of the gas station. “To the best fucking road trip ever.”