The Bodhisattva and Scooby Doo
I saw some rather strange productions in Xian as a result of having a tour guide, and thus being unable to say no. There was the incomprehensible pre-Peking Opera I mentioned before. There was Tang Dynasty Las Vegas, which consisted of several dances of dubious historicity, despite the program's claims (I am certain that hoop skirts did not exist in Tang Dynasty China, let alone headdresses with enough tiny light bulbs to make a small Times Square sign) but were nevertheless entertaining. A recording of some British guy announced in English, "And now, the Tang emperor!" in the middle of a dance. Mood-breaking as that sounds, it was even more so given that he mispronounced "Tang."
There was also a "water show" which we got hustled out of dinner early to experience, in bitter, bitter cold outside, after a long and tiring day. I thought this was something I had read about in a guidebook, which was dancing fountains like you see at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. It turned out to be giant holograms projected over a lake, interspersed with strobe lights, with loud recorded dialogue. Like the Spanish Inquisition, one never expects giant holograms. At least I don't.
If I followed the story correctly (it was in Chinese), it was the adventures of a cartoon dragon-elk in pajamas and two live-action martial artists who shot lasers from their eyeballs, plus the villain, a cackling vampire witch. Everyone randomly battled for a while. Then Scooby Doo appeared. The vampire woman kidnapped him and sent an army of orcs in red jockstraps (the same shot of charging orcs on an endless loop) to fight the heroes. Then most of the vampire woman's clothes vanished, leaving her in a lace bikini. Then she became a skeleton and exploded. Then the Bodhisattva Kuan Yin descended and met Scooby Doo.
I have seen a lot of excellent East-West artistic fusions, but that was not one of them.
The next day we saw a performance on ancient Chinese musical instruments. Since I had been relentlessly pursued by Christmas carols everywhere I went, especially my least favorite, "Jingle Bells," I thought this would at least be a break from the non-stop caroling.
The concert was by an ensemble which I later nicknamed "The Xian Amateur Historical Musical Theatricals Society." As we waited endlessly in front of an empty stage with assorted instruments, including a set which were balanced on the heads of replica terracotta warriors, we could see women and girls in costumes rushing about vigorously in the wings. I thought they were doing dance steps. Then one lunged out zombie-like and blindfolded, arms clutching at giggling fleeing costumed girls, and we realized that they were playing blind man's bluff.
Then they all came out and did a demo of the instruments, including some completely random and un-melodic plinking. A girl in a red costume trimmed with white fluff did a dance with a handkerchief, in which she shook her butt a lot and finally put the handkerchief over her butt and wiggled it. I thought, this is surely not historical. I thought, is her costume meant to evoke Santa Claus? I thought, perhaps I am inappropriately projecting Western attitudes on a Chinese performance. I thought, but it is Christmas Eve.
The ensemble played some songs, several times going so off-key that even I noticed. They then launched into... "Jingle Bells."
One verse in, they all visibly decided that they were more than ready to go home. About half of them sped up. The other half perseverated on the same tempo they had started with, but with increasingly bored and desperate expressions. The rest sped up more. Other members of the ensemble, not participating in the song, walked across the stage rather than behind the curtain provided for that purpose.
When "Jingle Bells" ended in a discordant frenzy, there was a concluding solo. The soloist looked even more bored, if possible, and rushed through her performance. Finishing with visible relief, she grabbed the stool she'd been sitting on and fled for the wings. Half-way there, she realized that she was supposed to leave the stool onstage, and slammed it down with a loud thud.
While all of this was going on, those of us in the front row were trying hard to keep a straight face. We later rated the performance an F for quality but an A for entertainment value. It was like watching a catastrophic high school production... on semi-authentic ancient Chinese instruments. As the guidebooks say, it was truly a unique and memorable experience.
There was also a "water show" which we got hustled out of dinner early to experience, in bitter, bitter cold outside, after a long and tiring day. I thought this was something I had read about in a guidebook, which was dancing fountains like you see at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. It turned out to be giant holograms projected over a lake, interspersed with strobe lights, with loud recorded dialogue. Like the Spanish Inquisition, one never expects giant holograms. At least I don't.
If I followed the story correctly (it was in Chinese), it was the adventures of a cartoon dragon-elk in pajamas and two live-action martial artists who shot lasers from their eyeballs, plus the villain, a cackling vampire witch. Everyone randomly battled for a while. Then Scooby Doo appeared. The vampire woman kidnapped him and sent an army of orcs in red jockstraps (the same shot of charging orcs on an endless loop) to fight the heroes. Then most of the vampire woman's clothes vanished, leaving her in a lace bikini. Then she became a skeleton and exploded. Then the Bodhisattva Kuan Yin descended and met Scooby Doo.
I have seen a lot of excellent East-West artistic fusions, but that was not one of them.
The next day we saw a performance on ancient Chinese musical instruments. Since I had been relentlessly pursued by Christmas carols everywhere I went, especially my least favorite, "Jingle Bells," I thought this would at least be a break from the non-stop caroling.
The concert was by an ensemble which I later nicknamed "The Xian Amateur Historical Musical Theatricals Society." As we waited endlessly in front of an empty stage with assorted instruments, including a set which were balanced on the heads of replica terracotta warriors, we could see women and girls in costumes rushing about vigorously in the wings. I thought they were doing dance steps. Then one lunged out zombie-like and blindfolded, arms clutching at giggling fleeing costumed girls, and we realized that they were playing blind man's bluff.
Then they all came out and did a demo of the instruments, including some completely random and un-melodic plinking. A girl in a red costume trimmed with white fluff did a dance with a handkerchief, in which she shook her butt a lot and finally put the handkerchief over her butt and wiggled it. I thought, this is surely not historical. I thought, is her costume meant to evoke Santa Claus? I thought, perhaps I am inappropriately projecting Western attitudes on a Chinese performance. I thought, but it is Christmas Eve.
The ensemble played some songs, several times going so off-key that even I noticed. They then launched into... "Jingle Bells."
One verse in, they all visibly decided that they were more than ready to go home. About half of them sped up. The other half perseverated on the same tempo they had started with, but with increasingly bored and desperate expressions. The rest sped up more. Other members of the ensemble, not participating in the song, walked across the stage rather than behind the curtain provided for that purpose.
When "Jingle Bells" ended in a discordant frenzy, there was a concluding solo. The soloist looked even more bored, if possible, and rushed through her performance. Finishing with visible relief, she grabbed the stool she'd been sitting on and fled for the wings. Half-way there, she realized that she was supposed to leave the stool onstage, and slammed it down with a loud thud.
While all of this was going on, those of us in the front row were trying hard to keep a straight face. We later rated the performance an F for quality but an A for entertainment value. It was like watching a catastrophic high school production... on semi-authentic ancient Chinese instruments. As the guidebooks say, it was truly a unique and memorable experience.