Lord of Legends, by Susan Krinard
telophase mailed me this book at her own expense. All the same, I am not sure whether to blame it on her or on buymeaclue, who alerted us all to its existence.
In all his years as a unicorn, he had never experienced such emotions before.
My single biggest problem with this book, even more than the amusingly bad writing, inexplicable character motivations, WTF climax, and shocking lack of id-tastic exploitation of the premise, was that I disliked both the romantic leads. Mariah is a moron and Ash is a pain. I was disturbed by the thought of them getting together and having annoying, stupid, one-horned babies.
Mariah is an American whose mother is insane - or so she thinks! Actually, she has Second Sight, which Mariah inherits. Her father talks her into getting married, and in one paragraph, she meets, falls in love with, and marries the English Lord Donnington. Several months later, he has taken off without consummating the marriage, leaving Mariah alone to discover a mostly-naked man imprisoned in the folly.
As he withdrew his hand, she saw something that made the squirming minnows in her middle seem like ravenous sharks.
The nudeish guy seems insane, but is really hot. Strangely, except for his hair, he looks just like her husband.
The first thing Mariah noticed was his eyes… black, as black as her husband’s, but twice as brilliant, like the darkest of diamonds.
But hotter.
He wore only a scrap of cloth around his hips, barely covering a member that must have been impressively large.
Much hotter.
She noticed that his - she swallowed - his "member" was very much in evidence beneath his loincloth.
Mariah names him Ash and gives him clothing.
She counted to herself, waiting for him to gather up the garment, put it on, fasten the buttons over his... burgeoning masculinity. If the buttons would close at all.
It does not occur to her that this might make his captors figure out that someone’s helping him. But with the help of Donnington’s brother Sinjin, she busts him out before anyone does notice. While Ash cozies up to Prince Albert, Mariah envisions Ash as a unicorn, flirts with him, sees fairies, and is the object of bizarrely unmotivated scheming by a neighbor named Pamela. That takes up most of the book.
Toward the end, Mariah has sex with Ash.
It was more than merely hard; its circumference was so large that at first she wasn’t sure that her hand would fit around it.
But Mariah is also prodigious! When Ash withdraws during intercourse:
She tried to hold him inside, but her left her, and the opening he had filled wept with grief.
…wisecracks fail me.
Donnington and a Fane (Fae) Lord, Cairbre, return, and there is a flurry of infodumping, concluding in a truly LOLWTF climax.
Mariah’s servant Nola turns out to be a Good Witch named Nuala, who repeatedly assists her in a convenient and magical manner. This is never explained.
It turns out that Ash is supposed to trick Mariah into going to Tir-Na-Nog with him because her Second Sight means she can only go voluntarily. This is so that Cairbre can father children on her, since the Fane women are infertile. Ash is a human because Oberon cursed him, he looks like Donnington because that was the first person he saw when he arrived, and the deal Donnington made with Cairbre was to set up Ash and Mariah’s meeting (so Ash could lure Mariah) in exchange for Donnington getting to hunt the rarest game of all - the unicorn! All this is to further Cairbre’s plot to depose Oberon.
Mariah leads the unicorns to war against Cairbre, accompanied by Nuala in the form of a talking fox. Donnington shoots Cairbre and tries to shoot Ash but Mariah takes the bullet meant for him, which means that Donnington has to shoot off Ash’s horn so Ash can save her with it. Then Pamela shows up, confesses that she poisoned her husband (he is never actually seen onstage), shoots Donnington, and goes insane. More insane.
None of this makes more sense in context. In fact, in context it makes even less sense.
There is an epilogue with a baby. No book has ever been improved by the addition of an epilogue with a baby. I wish I could say it has a horn, but no, just healing powers.
I am now mailing this book to another brave volunteer. I will alert you all when her review appears.
View on Amazon: Lord of Legends
In all his years as a unicorn, he had never experienced such emotions before.
My single biggest problem with this book, even more than the amusingly bad writing, inexplicable character motivations, WTF climax, and shocking lack of id-tastic exploitation of the premise, was that I disliked both the romantic leads. Mariah is a moron and Ash is a pain. I was disturbed by the thought of them getting together and having annoying, stupid, one-horned babies.
Mariah is an American whose mother is insane - or so she thinks! Actually, she has Second Sight, which Mariah inherits. Her father talks her into getting married, and in one paragraph, she meets, falls in love with, and marries the English Lord Donnington. Several months later, he has taken off without consummating the marriage, leaving Mariah alone to discover a mostly-naked man imprisoned in the folly.
As he withdrew his hand, she saw something that made the squirming minnows in her middle seem like ravenous sharks.
The nudeish guy seems insane, but is really hot. Strangely, except for his hair, he looks just like her husband.
The first thing Mariah noticed was his eyes… black, as black as her husband’s, but twice as brilliant, like the darkest of diamonds.
But hotter.
He wore only a scrap of cloth around his hips, barely covering a member that must have been impressively large.
Much hotter.
She noticed that his - she swallowed - his "member" was very much in evidence beneath his loincloth.
Mariah names him Ash and gives him clothing.
She counted to herself, waiting for him to gather up the garment, put it on, fasten the buttons over his... burgeoning masculinity. If the buttons would close at all.
It does not occur to her that this might make his captors figure out that someone’s helping him. But with the help of Donnington’s brother Sinjin, she busts him out before anyone does notice. While Ash cozies up to Prince Albert, Mariah envisions Ash as a unicorn, flirts with him, sees fairies, and is the object of bizarrely unmotivated scheming by a neighbor named Pamela. That takes up most of the book.
Toward the end, Mariah has sex with Ash.
It was more than merely hard; its circumference was so large that at first she wasn’t sure that her hand would fit around it.
But Mariah is also prodigious! When Ash withdraws during intercourse:
She tried to hold him inside, but her left her, and the opening he had filled wept with grief.
…wisecracks fail me.
Donnington and a Fane (Fae) Lord, Cairbre, return, and there is a flurry of infodumping, concluding in a truly LOLWTF climax.
Mariah’s servant Nola turns out to be a Good Witch named Nuala, who repeatedly assists her in a convenient and magical manner. This is never explained.
It turns out that Ash is supposed to trick Mariah into going to Tir-Na-Nog with him because her Second Sight means she can only go voluntarily. This is so that Cairbre can father children on her, since the Fane women are infertile. Ash is a human because Oberon cursed him, he looks like Donnington because that was the first person he saw when he arrived, and the deal Donnington made with Cairbre was to set up Ash and Mariah’s meeting (so Ash could lure Mariah) in exchange for Donnington getting to hunt the rarest game of all - the unicorn! All this is to further Cairbre’s plot to depose Oberon.
Mariah leads the unicorns to war against Cairbre, accompanied by Nuala in the form of a talking fox. Donnington shoots Cairbre and tries to shoot Ash but Mariah takes the bullet meant for him, which means that Donnington has to shoot off Ash’s horn so Ash can save her with it. Then Pamela shows up, confesses that she poisoned her husband (he is never actually seen onstage), shoots Donnington, and goes insane. More insane.
None of this makes more sense in context. In fact, in context it makes even less sense.
There is an epilogue with a baby. No book has ever been improved by the addition of an epilogue with a baby. I wish I could say it has a horn, but no, just healing powers.
I am now mailing this book to another brave volunteer. I will alert you all when her review appears.
View on Amazon: Lord of Legends