(no subject)
Is so crazy to me how a song can remind you so much of a person, where you really came from and the things that you have been throug.
I know that everyone seems to think that their problems are the worst ones in the world and that they have been through wayy more shiet than anyone else they know has been through
but when i hang out with the friends i have now, i feel like they arent on my level and they just never will be.
their state of mind is so far from mine and i dont think they have enough life left to live to go through some of the things ive gone through so far.
but i also know these are the type of friend my dad always wanted me to have..."the good friends" ...the type of friends i had in junior high but i gave up for the type of friends i had as a freshman...the type of friends i had when i first moved to hollywood but i gave up for randy and his friends...now im just trying to convince myself not to give them up now and go back to being introuble...not to go back to my "bad friends"
cuz everytime i give up the "good friends" i find my self struggling to do all the good things i missed out on like school....and i find myself trying to make the "good friends" back again
i know my problems arent the worst in the world and there are people out there who have gone through the same shit and even worse than i have but i still think that my problems are big and much worse than my friends
i mean they worry about how late they are gonna come home on saturday night or if their moms are gonna let them borrow the car to go to the party
and me,
i worry about how im gonna feed myself and my kid tomorrow
i worry about getting jumped by my ex boyfriends rival gangs
i have to worry about where i walk in this city
i have to worry about every choice i make in my life everyday for the rest of my life because those choices are not only gonna effect me but my child too
i have just realized no one in this world knows how i have really truly lived my life and what i have done just to get thru the day without being hungry and maintaing a roof over my head maybe even for one night
no one knows but me
because i dont tell anyone
maybe because most people would talk
and they wont like me anymore
and those are the things i have worry about but
no one knows everything i have done just to make it as far as i have come
and the only person who comes even close to knowing is randy
becuase he was there
when we had no where to sleep and it was too cold to sleep in the car he was there robbing the liquor store with me to get a hotel room
when we were hungry who was there with me to jack food for us both
he was...
and thats me?
that life is for me?
as stupid as it sounds
i dont want some nice guy
and some nice life
i dont want a stock broker or a doctor
i want someone that i know will make it without me and not cry about being alone
i want someone that will pull thru for me and survive out there when they know there is no one else there for them
i want someone who knows just how hard it is to carry on when no one loves you
and randy was that
but he was also the one who left me right back in the same spot i didnt want to come to
he is also the one who gave me empty promises and broke my heart
so here i am again
trying to talk to other guys but for some reason i am finding something wrong with all of them just like when i used to date
i wish i had randy back because i didnt have to look any further than him...
for anything i ever needed
he was just what i dreamed about when i was growing up
what judy and i used to stay up all those late nights talking about
the type of guy to show you love
and the type of guy to make you feel like his queen and no one else in this world mattered
but at the same time be down for you if you see a bitch you have beef with
but at the same time to carry your homie that just got shanked to the hospital when the cops are chasing you
i dont know if i will ever find another guy like him
but if i do
it will all be the same and i will end up right where i am now
cheated on and having a baby that the daddy dont want
by myself and depending on no one
again
cuz when you look at every gangsters relationship,
their all the same
and you just have to know when you chose to get with that type of guy...
you just gotta know what to expect...
what your getting in to
cuz when you chose to get with a guy like that your chosing the life you lead
now i have to deal with all the heartache
and the staying up late nights crying
because i miss something i dont need
i miss something i used to be smart enough to know not to need
and it makes me mad
that i let it happen to myself
and i remember someone telling me when i first randy...that he was going to be a real ass hole...and things were going to turn out bad with this guy...
and i remember this person telling me that they dont wanna tell me who to get with but to please not get with randy... to get with a guy that was going to like me for me and treat me right...
and i should have listened.
i really should have listened
i guess what im trying to say is that i can choose to be worring for the rest of my life... staying up late crying at night, wondering where my boyfriend is and if hes ok
going out with the homies and getting high everynight
getting arrested almost everynight on the boulevard for nothing
living in the ghetto
going in and out of jail for the rest of my life
doing everything for my man and getting cheated on
having to deal with all the bitches calling my house and paging my boyfriend
being with the type of guy and homies I want
or
hanging out with people i dont know will back me up if im getting jumped
hanging out with pretty girly girls
going to college to get a future
having friends that have brunch on sundays and eat dinner as a family everynight
getting married to a nice guy that adores me
having a nice house in the hills
but looking out my window every night wishing i had him
and those other type of friends
wishing i led the other type of life...
i have to chose to be bad and do wrong
or be good and do well...
the choice seems so easy doesnt it
<3
<3
I know that everyone seems to think that their problems are the worst ones in the world and that they have been through wayy more shiet than anyone else they know has been through
but when i hang out with the friends i have now, i feel like they arent on my level and they just never will be.
their state of mind is so far from mine and i dont think they have enough life left to live to go through some of the things ive gone through so far.
but i also know these are the type of friend my dad always wanted me to have..."the good friends" ...the type of friends i had in junior high but i gave up for the type of friends i had as a freshman...the type of friends i had when i first moved to hollywood but i gave up for randy and his friends...now im just trying to convince myself not to give them up now and go back to being introuble...not to go back to my "bad friends"
cuz everytime i give up the "good friends" i find my self struggling to do all the good things i missed out on like school....and i find myself trying to make the "good friends" back again
i know my problems arent the worst in the world and there are people out there who have gone through the same shit and even worse than i have but i still think that my problems are big and much worse than my friends
i mean they worry about how late they are gonna come home on saturday night or if their moms are gonna let them borrow the car to go to the party
and me,
i worry about how im gonna feed myself and my kid tomorrow
i worry about getting jumped by my ex boyfriends rival gangs
i have to worry about where i walk in this city
i have to worry about every choice i make in my life everyday for the rest of my life because those choices are not only gonna effect me but my child too
i have just realized no one in this world knows how i have really truly lived my life and what i have done just to get thru the day without being hungry and maintaing a roof over my head maybe even for one night
no one knows but me
because i dont tell anyone
maybe because most people would talk
and they wont like me anymore
and those are the things i have worry about but
no one knows everything i have done just to make it as far as i have come
and the only person who comes even close to knowing is randy
becuase he was there
when we had no where to sleep and it was too cold to sleep in the car he was there robbing the liquor store with me to get a hotel room
when we were hungry who was there with me to jack food for us both
he was...
and thats me?
that life is for me?
as stupid as it sounds
i dont want some nice guy
and some nice life
i dont want a stock broker or a doctor
i want someone that i know will make it without me and not cry about being alone
i want someone that will pull thru for me and survive out there when they know there is no one else there for them
i want someone who knows just how hard it is to carry on when no one loves you
and randy was that
but he was also the one who left me right back in the same spot i didnt want to come to
he is also the one who gave me empty promises and broke my heart
so here i am again
trying to talk to other guys but for some reason i am finding something wrong with all of them just like when i used to date
i wish i had randy back because i didnt have to look any further than him...
for anything i ever needed
he was just what i dreamed about when i was growing up
what judy and i used to stay up all those late nights talking about
the type of guy to show you love
and the type of guy to make you feel like his queen and no one else in this world mattered
but at the same time be down for you if you see a bitch you have beef with
but at the same time to carry your homie that just got shanked to the hospital when the cops are chasing you
i dont know if i will ever find another guy like him
but if i do
it will all be the same and i will end up right where i am now
cheated on and having a baby that the daddy dont want
by myself and depending on no one
again
cuz when you look at every gangsters relationship,
their all the same
and you just have to know when you chose to get with that type of guy...
you just gotta know what to expect...
what your getting in to
cuz when you chose to get with a guy like that your chosing the life you lead
now i have to deal with all the heartache
and the staying up late nights crying
because i miss something i dont need
i miss something i used to be smart enough to know not to need
and it makes me mad
that i let it happen to myself
and i remember someone telling me when i first randy...that he was going to be a real ass hole...and things were going to turn out bad with this guy...
and i remember this person telling me that they dont wanna tell me who to get with but to please not get with randy... to get with a guy that was going to like me for me and treat me right...
and i should have listened.
i really should have listened
i guess what im trying to say is that i can choose to be worring for the rest of my life... staying up late crying at night, wondering where my boyfriend is and if hes ok
going out with the homies and getting high everynight
getting arrested almost everynight on the boulevard for nothing
living in the ghetto
going in and out of jail for the rest of my life
doing everything for my man and getting cheated on
having to deal with all the bitches calling my house and paging my boyfriend
being with the type of guy and homies I want
or
hanging out with people i dont know will back me up if im getting jumped
hanging out with pretty girly girls
going to college to get a future
having friends that have brunch on sundays and eat dinner as a family everynight
getting married to a nice guy that adores me
having a nice house in the hills
but looking out my window every night wishing i had him
and those other type of friends
wishing i led the other type of life...
i have to chose to be bad and do wrong
or be good and do well...
the choice seems so easy doesnt it
<3
<3