afraid of changes
excited...anxious...nervous...ready...unsure...tired...happy...saddened
all my emotions. that's actually not even all of them. i'm just at such a weird point, i don't know what to expect. it seems i've just been making the most of high school in the last month or two. i can't believe the people i meet, and it frustrates me sometimes that i met them so late in school. where were all these people my freshman year? it's nobody's fault, it's just the way chance, destiny, God, randomness, or whatever causes these intricate patterns of events in life work. look at me sounding all philosophical. but anyway, i do wonder if i meet people for a reason, if things happen or don't happen to me for a reason. i don't know, just wondering.
people hope for closure after school ends. i don't feel that way. i still feel incomplete. my locker was empty yesterday, but today i wanted to go and put something in it. no, it's not the last time i'll use a locker (i have one at work), and that's not even the locker i had 9th to 11th grade, it's just for comfort. i'm not ready to leave to organized/disorganized clusterfuck of towson catholic. i saw brittany h. and rachel m. hauling their old uniforms to the school after exams, and it look so weird to me. of course i have little use for a sweater, a vest, 5 polo shirts, 3 pairs of khakis, about 6 skirts (3 plaid, 3 navy - i didn't wear all of them) 1 pair of shorts, 1 skort, my 4 tc monogrammed oxfords, and other assorted school shirts. well i saved some things from my middle school uniform, but i can't even decide what to save from tc. i bought and wore everything there was to wear (except the shorts, God no, they still have their tag). did i mention i don't throw anything away that has some remote sentimental value to me?
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i was talking to alec today about gray areas, something i've been thinking about a lot lately. i think it most applies to me in friendships and social things in general. people try to categorize people in black and white categories, dumb ass labels. at school, someone would group people by sport, race, style of dress, music, or whatever. this just reminded me of "acting black" and "acting white," but i won't get into that too much. clearly i fail at "acting black" because i'm a black girl who hangs out mostly with white boys, listens to sex pistols, jay-z, the doors, my chemical romance (the list goes on), and adores ralph lauren and hot topic clothes almost equally. please teach me because i so desperately need lessons in acting black. i thought one day, oh i'm the only person like this. i'm not. everyone is. i know i keep bringing up music, but one day mairi said "i think it's weird to have snoop and the sex pistols on my ipod." it's really not weird. there's not one person who can say they are completely and whole-heartedly devoted to one label. i used to know a boy who probably intimidate a lot of people, would be labeled "a thug" without any action to prove that. one of his favorite movies was "the little princess." get the fuck outta here, is what i thought when i heard that.
basically, we're all freaks of nature whether we all want to admit it or not. our interests, behaviors, and personalities are just as diverse as the colors of their skin. i think everyone fits into gray areas. i think people try to suppress that, essentially conform to societal standards. for example, calvert hall is a school of conforming to black or white, and tc is all shades of gray. wow, it took me four years to realize something is good about that school.
as far as the friends i have, i think we're all quick to label ourselves nerds and squares because we don't subscribe to societal pressures. essentially, we could "join" any other group if we just faked and posed to be a part of their group. all of my friends, new and old, couldn't be more different from each other. we are the same in that we are who we are, and don't change for anyone. sometimes i've wondered, why the hell am i friends with tony? it doesn't matter because he's a cool kid, and i'm only friends with the coolest kids in school, in my opinion. sometimes i feel bad about abandoning meghan, actually i do feel bad, and she's a cool girl, don't get me wrong. for some reason, however, i seem to have tons in common with white males and that's who i hang out with. that's not the only people i hang out with, and it wasn't even a conscious effort. i joke that i'm friends with certain people out of convenience, though it appears that way, it's just we're similar in that we're different. and it helps to be friends with people who don't treat me like a social leppar.
i know i'm blabbing, but i just felt like venting.
*randomness - - - i think i kinda have a crush on a freshman (way to rob the cradle)....*