at least you know...good, because you do. NO NO NO! =[ #2, CHRIS TOLD ME TO LET GO

[rachelblachel]

hi, its february.i was hoping it would never come. you know it reminds me all too much of your love. remember the time we sat against your car late one night...under the stars. and maybe, just maybe you will smile in my favor. you say i need to work on myself. well, this is my step-as small as it may be. but you won't see it, because we both know, you don't see me. yes, you may see me as someone you think you know. well, guess what? you don't know. im not the same. in changing yourself so dramatically...you changed me so slightly. all your strength you put on display...it looks fake. maybe only to me. the person who knew your everything. but this is what ive done...one picture...taken down. one letter, entered a box. one stuffed animal into the closet. it may be nothing to you, but its huge to me. and still you have yet to see the mess----the real mess you have made of me. i was never good at much. but this act i put on, ive really gotten great. ive seen the way you've cleaned youself up. you look so happy, you do. maybe not floating on a cloud. but defintiely floating on something. and this is what people see. they see you being strong. you always were stronger than me. but maybe its good? becuase i hope it would take such great strength to take your mind COMPLETELY off of me. congratulations, you've earned your star. dont ever wish with me again. those wishes are so burned. "wasted coin in a well" you call it. i couldnt have said it better. maybe you gave it away because you had to? or maybe you gave it all away in fear. but are you happy that with giving away that love, you gave me away with it? i hope hurting me made you better. i hope when you scream you feel power. i hope breaking me down gave you what you needed to build this wall so tall. just please...tell me something good came from this so my heart was not broken in vain. all the things i never say im putting in a box for you and later on once you have read...you will know of all the times i fell just a little more. and those mistakes as you call them, that we made...explain it to me. explain why it happened. explain how you were weak. im trying to say goodbye to all the memories...the sweet beginnings and tragic endings. i hope the tragic part was worse than you predicted all those years ago. gone. all the smiles and laughs and anger and tears. you were what i had always hoped for. i need to stop hoping for such great things. hello again, february. take this all away. save me from this ugly pain. 4 days down. will i make it through twenty-eight...? will we make it through this? will i still think of calling you on that bad day? when i get that bad news? or when im so happy i cry? will nothing feel complete until you are a part of it? will this go on? or will the tears dry up along with the feelings for you? dont make me regret believing you. because i stopped believing IN you. please don't paint yourself this black color anymore. please if your heart is hole, make it shine.............and im scared. im scared to look into your eyes or watch you laugh or smile. because it adds to the weakness and this never ending road leading to you. maybe that makes you scared? and maybe you know that twelve is around the corner...fourteen soon after that...and seventeen. 2-17. its not four. i cant belive its not four. and all these days are white to me now. erased from the calender of my life. empty minutes, empty hours. just please don't fill them with something great. ive faced the fact you got lucky here. im just waiting for my break. why cant you just be happy? i used to ask you. now im asking myself the same question. and my answers are absent just like yours...its just easier to say i don't know. you know this best.

i hate how easy this was for you but i dont hate you. yes, so many things in life. go unexplained....
i never wished for a ring on my finger...just a promise...one you could actually keep.