(no subject)
You'll enjoy reading this about as much as I enjoyed writing it.
I'm so tired lately. That's the only word I have for what I've been. Just tired. Tired of trying so hard, tired of accomplishing nothing with my efforts, tired of feeling like somehow, I don't matter to him anymore.
Mostly, I'm just tired of watching the person I love most in this world fall apart. He says he's not, god knows he's told me plenty of times that he's fine, but I don't buy it. He's stressed and he hurts and I don't know what else. He won't let me in, won't let me help.
I don't know why I'm writing this, usually writing things out helps me, soothes me. But nothing can soothe the uneasy feeling I've had in the pit of my stomach all day. Nothing will change the fact that we went to bed last night not talking, that we didn't even sleep in the same bed, and that he left without a goodbye kiss. As unemotional as the ones I've had these past few weeks were, at least I got them. Waking up to the realization that he was gone... honestly, shouldn't sting as much as it still does.
Nothing changes the fact that this time? I'm honestly scared. I've tried everything I know to work through this, to help him with this, and it isn't working. And I don't know where to go from here, except to leave.
And I couldn't leave. I can't stop hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'll snap out of it. Realize that he needs me, that I'll be the one to break his fall. To support him when he's walking on shaky ground. And maybe I'll feel like a wife again.
I'm so tired lately. That's the only word I have for what I've been. Just tired. Tired of trying so hard, tired of accomplishing nothing with my efforts, tired of feeling like somehow, I don't matter to him anymore.
Mostly, I'm just tired of watching the person I love most in this world fall apart. He says he's not, god knows he's told me plenty of times that he's fine, but I don't buy it. He's stressed and he hurts and I don't know what else. He won't let me in, won't let me help.
I don't know why I'm writing this, usually writing things out helps me, soothes me. But nothing can soothe the uneasy feeling I've had in the pit of my stomach all day. Nothing will change the fact that we went to bed last night not talking, that we didn't even sleep in the same bed, and that he left without a goodbye kiss. As unemotional as the ones I've had these past few weeks were, at least I got them. Waking up to the realization that he was gone... honestly, shouldn't sting as much as it still does.
Nothing changes the fact that this time? I'm honestly scared. I've tried everything I know to work through this, to help him with this, and it isn't working. And I don't know where to go from here, except to leave.
And I couldn't leave. I can't stop hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'll snap out of it. Realize that he needs me, that I'll be the one to break his fall. To support him when he's walking on shaky ground. And maybe I'll feel like a wife again.