(no subject)

[rachee22]

So here's the deal my summer is almost over. I have accomplished nothing that I had hoped to. I've made several sets of plans and they have all completely fallen through. The worst part is that I had hoped to be over Jason by the end of my summer. It's been almost a month and I still feel almost exactly the same as when I left Cali, the only difference is now I'm not angry, I'm just sad and lonely. I was better off when my summer started...when I got off that plane in Cali I was so much better off. You would think that I would be a pro at this breaking up thing by now, but sadly I'm not. I think I'm getting worse at it. I still feel like there is something wrong with me, like I'm not good enough. I'm so lonely out here maybe just maybe school will help. I still have Jason on my mind a lot of the time...sometimes it makes me happy to think about him and how things were when we first started dating, but most of the time it just makes me miss him, miss us, and miss the fun we had. He let me be me, but not only that he helped to mold me into something I had never been before. I miss getting to talk about my hopes and dreams with someone. I miss having someone who shared my hopes and dreams. I miss having someone to hope and dream about. I hope to survive this. I mean everyone keeps telling me to give it time...that I will heal...that first loves hurt the most...that I will in fact do better next time. Normally I tell them there will be no next time cause I'm through with love. I have in fact given up on love. I don't think that it really exists for me. I love with my whole heart and I don't think most people do that. You see it wasn't just part of me that loved Jason it was all of me and its hard to heal the entire you and not just part of you. When Brian left me I healed. It took a lil while, but this time its different. Before I could be distracted rather easily, but this time nothing distracts me, but more importantly than that I have no one to distract me. I left Cali, but I didnt completely leave...I left my heart there and part of my soul, but Cali has left me. I rarely hear from anyone out there and I don't hear from anyone out here. I'm pretty much on my own. And if I wasn't good enough for someone else how the hell am I going to be good enough for myself.

Well thats it for now...My live journal is really mostly just my place where I get out my emotions...my myspace account is where I write whats going on in my life. Its probably more interesting for everyone.

http://blog.myspace.com/16865571