(no subject)
So I'm officially falling.
Such a bad week. The weekend was nice to be with friends, which means I'm very worried that mini-golf and then multiple movies with the people I love isn't helping me right now.
Getting a C in math, I think. Or low B. It's normally my best subject, and I usually have an A average. Math is always the first sign that things aren't good.
Broke down crying before math Monday to Esha after going to chorus because I needed to sing (even though I'm not in the class). Ignoring Paige and Crissa calling after me as I ran down the hall until I found McLeod and cried into his shoulder, even if I'm mad at him. He and Kristy said I was burning up, but when he took me to the nurse's office my temperature was below normal, so I refused to go home even though I couldn't stop crying and had no idea why I'd started in the first place (other than a short explanation of my nightmare to Esha, but that had been about half an hour before I started crying).
Behind in both English classes, and if I can't make up my work by Thursday (the end of the quarter), I lose my A. I need that A. I won't be high honors for the first time since I started high school.
Then talked to my mom yesterday, and then my dad. I got the usual "You Don't Have To Be Perfect" speech, along with the addition of "You Need To Pull That Math Grade Up" talk. My mom was THIS close to saying something along the lines of "Is the play really worth all this?" I cut her off, and when I talked to Paige that night and said, "I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't be in the play" she just replied with, "You'll live." I tried to explain what the play means to me, to most of us, but she doesn't get it. I'd hate to think of where I'd be without the play. I'm afraid of that image.
And to top it off, I have to find a prom date. Our group that was going to go had broken into people with dates. It's not that I need a date. It's just that I don't want to be the seventh wheel.
I'm not allowed online. I'm supposed to be asleep by eleven each night. I'm lucky my parents are letting me go to Paige's this weekend and letting me sing at the language competition. No TV, and I was almost surprised that they're letting me listen to my music (though honestly, that'd be a very hard think to keep away -- I'm just surprised they're not making me turn it down more). None of this is a punishment, of course. For my own good. Until I get back on track. Until they don't have to worry.
I need to hear back from Sewanee. They only started reading on Monday, but I'm so pissed off at the piece I submitted that I just want to hear them say "Sorry, you actually not that good at editing...be a doctor instead" so I can stop thinking about it. I can't believe I didn't look over it more before sending it off. Why did I have to not be compulsive about my writing THAT NIGHT?! I can't stand to look at it, even.
I won't post again for a while. Don't know how long. Just listening to singing in Spanish over and over again....
I hate nightmares. It's making me hate sleep again.
Love and Hope, or Something Like It
Such a bad week. The weekend was nice to be with friends, which means I'm very worried that mini-golf and then multiple movies with the people I love isn't helping me right now.
Getting a C in math, I think. Or low B. It's normally my best subject, and I usually have an A average. Math is always the first sign that things aren't good.
Broke down crying before math Monday to Esha after going to chorus because I needed to sing (even though I'm not in the class). Ignoring Paige and Crissa calling after me as I ran down the hall until I found McLeod and cried into his shoulder, even if I'm mad at him. He and Kristy said I was burning up, but when he took me to the nurse's office my temperature was below normal, so I refused to go home even though I couldn't stop crying and had no idea why I'd started in the first place (other than a short explanation of my nightmare to Esha, but that had been about half an hour before I started crying).
Behind in both English classes, and if I can't make up my work by Thursday (the end of the quarter), I lose my A. I need that A. I won't be high honors for the first time since I started high school.
Then talked to my mom yesterday, and then my dad. I got the usual "You Don't Have To Be Perfect" speech, along with the addition of "You Need To Pull That Math Grade Up" talk. My mom was THIS close to saying something along the lines of "Is the play really worth all this?" I cut her off, and when I talked to Paige that night and said, "I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't be in the play" she just replied with, "You'll live." I tried to explain what the play means to me, to most of us, but she doesn't get it. I'd hate to think of where I'd be without the play. I'm afraid of that image.
And to top it off, I have to find a prom date. Our group that was going to go had broken into people with dates. It's not that I need a date. It's just that I don't want to be the seventh wheel.
I'm not allowed online. I'm supposed to be asleep by eleven each night. I'm lucky my parents are letting me go to Paige's this weekend and letting me sing at the language competition. No TV, and I was almost surprised that they're letting me listen to my music (though honestly, that'd be a very hard think to keep away -- I'm just surprised they're not making me turn it down more). None of this is a punishment, of course. For my own good. Until I get back on track. Until they don't have to worry.
I need to hear back from Sewanee. They only started reading on Monday, but I'm so pissed off at the piece I submitted that I just want to hear them say "Sorry, you actually not that good at editing...be a doctor instead" so I can stop thinking about it. I can't believe I didn't look over it more before sending it off. Why did I have to not be compulsive about my writing THAT NIGHT?! I can't stand to look at it, even.
I won't post again for a while. Don't know how long. Just listening to singing in Spanish over and over again....
I hate nightmares. It's making me hate sleep again.
Love and Hope, or Something Like It