(no subject)
I need to talk about
No kids future and how scary that is - the failure of it
The disconnect with Ben, and how that’s terrifying
Trouble making and keeping friends,
Honest deeper relationships with friends not just superficial
Who I buy things and eat to self sooth
Why I sabotage myself
Who am I?
What’s next if our marriage fails?
How do I be a better partner?
Would I be ok on my own
Why do I avoid my problems. Probably shame of failing. Why do I care about that? What people think?
If I talk about it, it makes things real
How would we untangle us? What’ would separating look like? Where do I go? How do you start again?!
Why was I the one the only ever putting effort into us. I organised every trip away, anything we did outside that’s was the just two of us was always something I’d have to plan and think “will he like this?” Before bringing it to him and then I’d often get shot down - which over time made me stop trying… I honestly can’t think one a single instance he’s done that. Every dinner we ate out was a place I found, anywhere we went was my idea. I 99% dragged him along.
Other that financially burden he took on for us.. and going along with things I wanted to do for us….what is something he ever put into us?
When I figure out myself , it might take a few weeks or months probably years. I know I’ll be fine, I’m fucking amazing. I was good person, i was creative, i like helping people, I had friends and family I was close with before him..I’ll have and be those things again eventually.
He’s been alone for a while now - I’ve been at work - does he really think I’m the problem he needs to fix first?!
I was at a point in my head that I was already mentally preparing to reduce work hours or leave that job when they offered fulltime only/or that manager role. it was hurting my actual life outside of it. I was looking forward to seeing myself again… and him.
Us was he’s idea. He persued me, he’s made me feel like I should be grateful his here ever since… like I’ll never do better that him.
If it’s that there’s someone else and his not telling me to spare my feelings or hide how disrespectful and disgusting that really is. I will be done.
I’ve never done this before… it’s just huggggge and I’m going through other huuuuuge things atm with having to grieving the work life and friends I’ve just lost. I wish I could pause the end of our life for like two months while I get my own personal shit together
I feel like I should be fighting for us, but If you really push me away. At some point I will just leave and never look back, never going to forgive you.
I think I need to be angry at him to able to walk away, I want to blame him, like this is entirely his fault. He started this, his not happy with himself, his never really put in enough into us, his just taken so from much me and I’ve tried to fill the gaps where he should be with stuff. Telling myself it’ll get better, he’ll be better one day.
I’d like to know if you intend on stay here in the house, for example 6months…if I pack a bag and leave. I want to know if I need to sort out stuff or it’s going to be ok to come back to after figure out and setup what ever comes next.
Or do I go away for a couple weeks while to get your own shit started… come back and be separately working on our own stuff, I’ll find a job and contribute halfway… and see how that goes…
Do I really want this anymore…
If there’s another girl…His done it before, it seems very much like how his last relationship ended… he was checkout of their relationship and msging me, I didn’t know about her. We met after they’d been away together a last hooray/chance to see if it’d work, broke up and met someone else….
I’ve never really questioned that part of Ben, I thought the trust and respect we have is solid. Should I be worried?
I don’t want to confront him about this feeling I’m having cos if it’s true, I’m done- that trust is everything. It’d break me. I’m too scared to ask and make that reality real.
You should feel bad, because you’re doing something hard. You talk a big game about being better and shit, but your still doing the same things too.
So suss, he deleted my pictures from his socials… that hurts. It’s like erasing me. Like I don’t exist- so suspicious too.
I don’t feel like you’re telling me the truth. Like your trying to stay a “good guy” and Trying to control the narrative about what’s happening so you can save face with friends and family and aren’t the villain that I feel like you really might be…there’s a lot of red flags going off and I don’t know how to deal with them.
I feel like I don’t have the whole story. Somethings missing. It doesn’t add up.
I just want him to say he still loves me…
If he wanted to work on himself, I’m was for that… thought it’d be something that we’d do together and be closer…
I want him to be honest but I’m never going to be ready to hear the truth… so avoiding it is easier.
Having Emilee here has been kinda a distraction. I feel like going to qld is just prolonging the inevitable… again just a distraction. What’s the point when the outcome will be the same.
I kinda feel like I’ll burdening other people by me being around. I wanna take up a small space and have no one notice me and disappear.
I want someone to tell me what to do. So I don’t make more mistakes.
I’m scared to do this on my own. What if I fuck up.
Making decisions is hard
The job things scares me, what if it’s too soon, what if it’s a mistake. What if I should be doing something more. More money would make my life easier, but is more pressure.
How do I adult
If I get a job and he gets a job… that’s kinda locking this all down, the separation is locked in. It’s hard for us to be us without one giving up the new life we’ve just started.
I could help, but what’s the point? You’ll learn more if I do that. That is what you said you wanted after all… to stand on your own two feet, and that you can do this without me. I should stop trying and offering to help.
If he wanted to, he would. But he hasn’t.
I drove around for hours today just crying my eyes out.
why did he talk to me sooner about the way he was feeling?
If I knew how bad he’d felt - it might have changed things.
We never had “end of marriage” level fights, just bickering.
It hurts that he just gave up.
-thoughts from 20th mar til 20th April 2023
- [ ]
No kids future and how scary that is - the failure of it
The disconnect with Ben, and how that’s terrifying
Trouble making and keeping friends,
Honest deeper relationships with friends not just superficial
Who I buy things and eat to self sooth
Why I sabotage myself
Who am I?
What’s next if our marriage fails?
How do I be a better partner?
Would I be ok on my own
Why do I avoid my problems. Probably shame of failing. Why do I care about that? What people think?
If I talk about it, it makes things real
How would we untangle us? What’ would separating look like? Where do I go? How do you start again?!
Why was I the one the only ever putting effort into us. I organised every trip away, anything we did outside that’s was the just two of us was always something I’d have to plan and think “will he like this?” Before bringing it to him and then I’d often get shot down - which over time made me stop trying… I honestly can’t think one a single instance he’s done that. Every dinner we ate out was a place I found, anywhere we went was my idea. I 99% dragged him along.
Other that financially burden he took on for us.. and going along with things I wanted to do for us….what is something he ever put into us?
When I figure out myself , it might take a few weeks or months probably years. I know I’ll be fine, I’m fucking amazing. I was good person, i was creative, i like helping people, I had friends and family I was close with before him..I’ll have and be those things again eventually.
He’s been alone for a while now - I’ve been at work - does he really think I’m the problem he needs to fix first?!
I was at a point in my head that I was already mentally preparing to reduce work hours or leave that job when they offered fulltime only/or that manager role. it was hurting my actual life outside of it. I was looking forward to seeing myself again… and him.
Us was he’s idea. He persued me, he’s made me feel like I should be grateful his here ever since… like I’ll never do better that him.
If it’s that there’s someone else and his not telling me to spare my feelings or hide how disrespectful and disgusting that really is. I will be done.
I’ve never done this before… it’s just huggggge and I’m going through other huuuuuge things atm with having to grieving the work life and friends I’ve just lost. I wish I could pause the end of our life for like two months while I get my own personal shit together
I feel like I should be fighting for us, but If you really push me away. At some point I will just leave and never look back, never going to forgive you.
I think I need to be angry at him to able to walk away, I want to blame him, like this is entirely his fault. He started this, his not happy with himself, his never really put in enough into us, his just taken so from much me and I’ve tried to fill the gaps where he should be with stuff. Telling myself it’ll get better, he’ll be better one day.
I’d like to know if you intend on stay here in the house, for example 6months…if I pack a bag and leave. I want to know if I need to sort out stuff or it’s going to be ok to come back to after figure out and setup what ever comes next.
Or do I go away for a couple weeks while to get your own shit started… come back and be separately working on our own stuff, I’ll find a job and contribute halfway… and see how that goes…
Do I really want this anymore…
If there’s another girl…His done it before, it seems very much like how his last relationship ended… he was checkout of their relationship and msging me, I didn’t know about her. We met after they’d been away together a last hooray/chance to see if it’d work, broke up and met someone else….
I’ve never really questioned that part of Ben, I thought the trust and respect we have is solid. Should I be worried?
I don’t want to confront him about this feeling I’m having cos if it’s true, I’m done- that trust is everything. It’d break me. I’m too scared to ask and make that reality real.
You should feel bad, because you’re doing something hard. You talk a big game about being better and shit, but your still doing the same things too.
So suss, he deleted my pictures from his socials… that hurts. It’s like erasing me. Like I don’t exist- so suspicious too.
I don’t feel like you’re telling me the truth. Like your trying to stay a “good guy” and Trying to control the narrative about what’s happening so you can save face with friends and family and aren’t the villain that I feel like you really might be…there’s a lot of red flags going off and I don’t know how to deal with them.
I feel like I don’t have the whole story. Somethings missing. It doesn’t add up.
I just want him to say he still loves me…
If he wanted to work on himself, I’m was for that… thought it’d be something that we’d do together and be closer…
I want him to be honest but I’m never going to be ready to hear the truth… so avoiding it is easier.
Having Emilee here has been kinda a distraction. I feel like going to qld is just prolonging the inevitable… again just a distraction. What’s the point when the outcome will be the same.
I kinda feel like I’ll burdening other people by me being around. I wanna take up a small space and have no one notice me and disappear.
I want someone to tell me what to do. So I don’t make more mistakes.
I’m scared to do this on my own. What if I fuck up.
Making decisions is hard
The job things scares me, what if it’s too soon, what if it’s a mistake. What if I should be doing something more. More money would make my life easier, but is more pressure.
How do I adult
If I get a job and he gets a job… that’s kinda locking this all down, the separation is locked in. It’s hard for us to be us without one giving up the new life we’ve just started.
I could help, but what’s the point? You’ll learn more if I do that. That is what you said you wanted after all… to stand on your own two feet, and that you can do this without me. I should stop trying and offering to help.
If he wanted to, he would. But he hasn’t.
I drove around for hours today just crying my eyes out.
why did he talk to me sooner about the way he was feeling?
If I knew how bad he’d felt - it might have changed things.
We never had “end of marriage” level fights, just bickering.
It hurts that he just gave up.
-thoughts from 20th mar til 20th April 2023
- [ ]