OPEN MIC: Telling him...
* Tell me how your week's gone:
Up and down week. Drowning in sorrows of feelings of personal pointlessless (coming the the belated realisation that losing my harddrive with everything I've put effort towards for the past 10 years is gone; and it doesn't matter - it doesn't change anything), dragged free by the social interaction of a doctor visit and getting my LASER FACE on, living the next few days puffy, swollen, splotchy.
Then, a stupid mis-step. An inexcusable outburst. Knowing it's not WHAT was said, but rather the fact that I treated the best person I know in a way niether of us ever thought either of us would. And for the past 24 hours I've been in that wierd place where you feel terrible for what you've done, but can't make it better, can't do anything to take it away, try to scurry about in anonymity nearby, trying to be helppful but out of the way, on the verge of tears for being so closed out, but daren't crying because you don't deserve the pity/attention it would imply... scouring your brain the whole time to think of something nice you can do that won't come off as being too suffocating, wishing you were being yelled at. It's almost a relief to be alone this evening, so I can cry over my guilt without feeling even more guilty for doing so.
* Tell me of your future
More drawing/creating while wearing the swanky leather/velvet eyepatch I received in the mail a few days ago. It helps tremendously- the not seeing double while trying to scrawl. Also, more groveling in my personal life, I suppose. Also, new money making ventures investigated, as it seems the person I do designing for isn't interesting in hiring me anymore. dooooom!
* Tell me what you want
I want... to be as good as I could be.
Up and down week. Drowning in sorrows of feelings of personal pointlessless (coming the the belated realisation that losing my harddrive with everything I've put effort towards for the past 10 years is gone; and it doesn't matter - it doesn't change anything), dragged free by the social interaction of a doctor visit and getting my LASER FACE on, living the next few days puffy, swollen, splotchy.
Then, a stupid mis-step. An inexcusable outburst. Knowing it's not WHAT was said, but rather the fact that I treated the best person I know in a way niether of us ever thought either of us would. And for the past 24 hours I've been in that wierd place where you feel terrible for what you've done, but can't make it better, can't do anything to take it away, try to scurry about in anonymity nearby, trying to be helppful but out of the way, on the verge of tears for being so closed out, but daren't crying because you don't deserve the pity/attention it would imply... scouring your brain the whole time to think of something nice you can do that won't come off as being too suffocating, wishing you were being yelled at. It's almost a relief to be alone this evening, so I can cry over my guilt without feeling even more guilty for doing so.
* Tell me of your future
More drawing/creating while wearing the swanky leather/velvet eyepatch I received in the mail a few days ago. It helps tremendously- the not seeing double while trying to scrawl. Also, more groveling in my personal life, I suppose. Also, new money making ventures investigated, as it seems the person I do designing for isn't interesting in hiring me anymore. dooooom!
* Tell me what you want
I want... to be as good as I could be.