since i never update this thing anymore...

[rach_0_rama]

..my myyy things have changed a little since we last chatted. well this year was defffiniittellly a rough one, but i'm still alive. fall semester was all over the place. i was sick all the time, had bronchitis twice, some sort of tonsilitis a few times, larygitis right before juries and anything else in between. i had a jam packed schedule with a million instruments to learn, including chorale which was such an undertaking. we performed carmina burana with the nj symphony orchestra which was an incredible performing experience, but a tremendous stressor. we had a group of russian students working with us that also gave a joint concert with university singers a week before carmina. it was a lot of music in not a lot of time and it was utterly exhausting. so much so that i feel like i still was recovering in spring semester. i was so sick that i couldn't sing in the winter singers concert. it was upsetting, but i had to do what was best for me. which is probably the most important thing i've learned this year. i need to do what's best for me. i've stressed myself out so much over such trivial things, to the point of being sick, for far too long. i've continued removing negative people from my life because i don't need them. some of the friends that i've only had for a short while have proven far beyond more amazing and necessary to my life that some who have been around a little longer. it doesn't matter how long you've been in my life, but how much you make it a point to actually be active in my life. i'm tired of fighting losing battles over and over like a broken record. it doesn't make it easier, and i still get upset, but i can't stress about it anymore. spring semester proved to be even more trying than the fall but it allowed for some really great things to happen towards the end. i spent this last semester a little burnt out. burnt out from all sorts of things, most especially school. four years of working and working and i still am not graduating yet. i don't regret changing my major, because i get to do what i love everyday and i know not enough people in this world get to do that. it was very difficult for me to want to do anything productive, i procrastinated like never before and had my share of mini mental breakdowns. i've cried A LOT this year. but somehow, i persevered. the biggest letdown (at first) this whole year was a phone call i received about a week before school ended. it was from the choral director telling me that i wouldn't be in university singers this upcoming school year. i was absolutely devasted. i worked so hard to get into that group, and once i was in continued to always work hard and it seemed to never pay off. so there i was after just seeing two friends do an awesome job in a show, standing outside of fox and i'm on the phone listening to her tell me that she was concerned about my overall mental health and that i needed time for me. but then she also said that she needed to make room in the group for new students to get the experience. i felt like an old toy that got replaced by the shiny new one at christmas. one that was good at the time, but is rusty and not full of spark anymore. it was very hard to swallow. i cried for days. but after talking about it with different people i realized that my life will probably be easier without it. i will have a more free schedule which gives me the time in need to prepare for my senior recital which won't be for a year, but there is plenty of music to start learning now. i can practice piano, and get work done for my education classes that start in the fall, and finally just have a little extra breathing room. i also learned how to say no. originally when i found out i wasn't going to be in singers, i asked if i could continue to be section leader in chorale, a job i've loyally done for two years, and one i also worked hard to get. she agreed, until i received an email from her a few weeks into the summer offering me the assistant section leader position. assistant. as if that didn't add to level of self doubt i was facing. so i said no. i said no politely and diplomatically, but deep down i was so hurt. but once again, trying to view things on a more positive side, i took it a sign. now i only have to show up, sing and leave. no attendance, no room set up, no rosters, no bus seating charts for when we go to njpac again this year. i feel like it will let me fully enjoy choir again, like i did when it wasn't a requirement and an obligation. i got a job at a church as a section leader for their soprano II section in the middle of the semester and it turned out to be a really rewarding experience. though since high school i don't think of myself as very religious, i've still remained spiritual and really found a special place at the church that i will be working at again in the fall. not to mention, it's pretty good pay for only 2 days a week! i also was very lucky to get a gig at a piano bar friday nights during may and got to sing four songs every week. i didn't get paid much, but it was still great to just go up and do my thing every week. i even was asked for my info for future engagements which is always a plus.

at the moment, i'm recovering from getting my tonsils and adenoids out on wednesday. for some reason the difference of recovery time between a child and an adult is TREMENDOUS. i'm still in a lot of pain, can't really eat much, and can't really talk. but i know that this will be beneficial in the long run, and hopefully it will help me to not get sick so much. which will be awesome. i'm also preparing to move to clifton in july with sam and kristen. i'm excited to have a real apt, and it's close to school which is also great. i've gotten so attached to that area, especially over the last year. commuting up there on the weekends in may for the piano bar and church allowed me some extra time to see friends up there and it was harder to leave every week. i still have a few really close friends at home, but my life and spirit are up there. they have been for a while. i'm going to be 22 in august, which is crazy, and i finally feel like i'm living. i mean i've always been social and doing things but i feel like i've always been doing things for the sake of other people, and not that i try to impress, but i know i try to make others happy before myself. and for the first time i really think that i'm on the road to happiness. i hope it's pink.