my life?
makes me want to cry....and that is so sad, because give or take a few things that i would give anything to change, my life is good. very good. enviable even. but right now i am in hystericas. pathetic, sobbing, REGRESIVE hysterics as if i have not matured a day since 1993. flashbacks to sitting in the car with gigi in the lucky's parking lot until all hours of the morning staring at a black accord with gold rims across the street in the parking lot of the recording studio....flashbacks to hiding in hotel lobbies, pretending i am there on official business....not fooling anyone. it's ironic that my anxiety level feels the same, that unsettled swarm of butterflies in my stomach and the palpitations leaving me out of breath, the only solution being to flap my hands back and forth in a frantic fanning motion and breathe in and out in rapid succesion as if i am doing lamaze....the enxiety the same, yet at least then i knew things, had access to info, was in some inner circle that somehow, i can't begin to recall how, knew shit. today i sit, flailing and lost without even a clue where to start, displaced and far from the home where i would know where to start but this....new york...i can't even begin. so i sit here.....and just fucking cry. he's here. so am i. awesome. what next? somebody please help me.