procrastination makes me cry.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i can't stop crying. i am depressed, frustrated, deflated, sad, lonely, uninspired, bored, miserable, sick and stressed about everything under the sun (or haze, as the case may be). i'm homesick and friendless, and even the friends ihave i don;t want to be with because i am a miserable rain cloud of doom, why would i subject them to that? i never stop working, yet i have no money, the bills keep piling up, i can't get ahead, not even a smidge and every time i turn around i find something else major that needs to be paid for. all i want to do is see my mom, lay on the bed with her and cry and then go to the dr. and be put on zoloft, prozac and lithium. but i can't. because i can;t buy a plane ticket and i don;t have insurance.
it jusrt feels like everything is backwards and out of whack and i'm lost. i don;t recognize the faces i'm surrounded by everyday and i have no idea how i got here.nothing makes me happy anymore (did it ever? i don;t know.) i don;t see the point in anything. it seems like everyone i know is moving forward and all i'm doing is standing by the side of the road, cheering them on, handing them little cups of gatorade as they fly by on their way to win the big race of life and in the end, there i'll still be, standing there with a perma-grin and a dixie cup wondering where everybody went. i want to be happy. i want to be inspired. i want to find something i'm good at and have somebody with power and influence recognize that and pay me to do it. i want to go to school. i want to go home. i want to get my hair cut. i want to go get a kleenex and blow my nose, but i'm stuck in this chair, drowning in snot and tears and wishing i was either dead or rich and skinny. nothing in between. i fucking hate it when this happens.
it jusrt feels like everything is backwards and out of whack and i'm lost. i don;t recognize the faces i'm surrounded by everyday and i have no idea how i got here.nothing makes me happy anymore (did it ever? i don;t know.) i don;t see the point in anything. it seems like everyone i know is moving forward and all i'm doing is standing by the side of the road, cheering them on, handing them little cups of gatorade as they fly by on their way to win the big race of life and in the end, there i'll still be, standing there with a perma-grin and a dixie cup wondering where everybody went. i want to be happy. i want to be inspired. i want to find something i'm good at and have somebody with power and influence recognize that and pay me to do it. i want to go to school. i want to go home. i want to get my hair cut. i want to go get a kleenex and blow my nose, but i'm stuck in this chair, drowning in snot and tears and wishing i was either dead or rich and skinny. nothing in between. i fucking hate it when this happens.