(no subject)
I have not written anything real is so long.
I have just spent about two hours reading over the last four years of my life. Its amazing to see how much I grew and changed over those years. Especially in between 20 and 21, what a great time. Even just rereading my entries from that time period makes me feel alive. I feel a bit stagnant now, in comparison.
I am just glad to say I am finally in a happy and healthy relationship. I don't think I've ever been able to say that. My only hope is that I can continue to actively avoid my old habits of becoming too dependent. I wish it were more natural for me, but unfortunately I almost always fall into the miserable pattern of needing someone rather than just wanting them.
I feel very old right now, and finally last night said the word "mid-twenties." I feel like I should be somewhere else in my life, but I must learn to accept that this is an in between time, and I will achieve my goals eventually. I am not letting that go. But for as old as I feel, I also feel very much like I am still 21. Nothing really huge has changed in how I perceive myself and others in the last three years. My time at LMU taught me to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, and to study hard and work hard. I still feel that, even out of school, and with less concrete evidence to show that I am doing well. If only I could get life grades, then I would really be getting somewhere. Ha.
Of course rereading entries from the "Chad years" reminded me of how much I had lost, how much at the time I was in denial of the abusive nature of our relationship, and how long it took me to get away. I am still disappointed in so much from that time, and I am still recovering.
I also cannot help but still think of "the one," or that guy I had been so infatuated with for so long that I felt like he was the only good thing I had ever known. My only regret in that is how if I ever cross his mind, he probably thinks "what a crazy bitch, thank god she is out of my life." I wish he could know the real me. I wish we could've been friends after all I put him through. Oh well.
Life is pretty okay right now, despite being in this weird phase of my life. And that is good. I can only promise myself that I will continue to grow and learn and I will never settle for second best in any category of my life. Getting old isn't so bad.
I have just spent about two hours reading over the last four years of my life. Its amazing to see how much I grew and changed over those years. Especially in between 20 and 21, what a great time. Even just rereading my entries from that time period makes me feel alive. I feel a bit stagnant now, in comparison.
I am just glad to say I am finally in a happy and healthy relationship. I don't think I've ever been able to say that. My only hope is that I can continue to actively avoid my old habits of becoming too dependent. I wish it were more natural for me, but unfortunately I almost always fall into the miserable pattern of needing someone rather than just wanting them.
I feel very old right now, and finally last night said the word "mid-twenties." I feel like I should be somewhere else in my life, but I must learn to accept that this is an in between time, and I will achieve my goals eventually. I am not letting that go. But for as old as I feel, I also feel very much like I am still 21. Nothing really huge has changed in how I perceive myself and others in the last three years. My time at LMU taught me to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, and to study hard and work hard. I still feel that, even out of school, and with less concrete evidence to show that I am doing well. If only I could get life grades, then I would really be getting somewhere. Ha.
Of course rereading entries from the "Chad years" reminded me of how much I had lost, how much at the time I was in denial of the abusive nature of our relationship, and how long it took me to get away. I am still disappointed in so much from that time, and I am still recovering.
I also cannot help but still think of "the one," or that guy I had been so infatuated with for so long that I felt like he was the only good thing I had ever known. My only regret in that is how if I ever cross his mind, he probably thinks "what a crazy bitch, thank god she is out of my life." I wish he could know the real me. I wish we could've been friends after all I put him through. Oh well.
Life is pretty okay right now, despite being in this weird phase of my life. And that is good. I can only promise myself that I will continue to grow and learn and I will never settle for second best in any category of my life. Getting old isn't so bad.