Fic: Retrace The Steps (As If We Forgot); John/Cam

[race_the_ace]

Title: Retrace The Steps (As If We Forgot)
Author: race_the_ace
Recipient: Pinch hitter number 9!
Beta: ninja007
Pairing: John Sheppard/Cameron Mitchell
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything you even vaguely recognize.
Summary: John showed up at Cam’s doorstep about an hour after Cam had finally fallen asleep. Cam hadn’t seen John Sheppard in more years than he could remember, but that didn’t change the fact that he would do anything for him. So Cam stepped aside and ushered John in out of the night.
Word count: 2,742
Warnings: Mentioned consensual rough sex, consensual physical abuse
Author's Notes: - Loosely resembles the wonderful Whitman Verse by ladygray99 (which is all hers and not mine and borrowed with permission), but is nowhere near as serious or as hardcore.
- Title from New American Classic by Taking Back Sunday


*****

John showed up at Cam’s doorstep about an hour after Cam had finally fallen asleep. Cam hadn’t seen John Sheppard in more years than he could remember, but that didn’t change the fact that he would do anything for him. So Cam stepped aside and ushered John in out of the night.

John had a large duffel bag slung over his shoulder which he tiredly dropped to the ground. “Hey, Cameron.”

“John,” Cam greeted. “You look like shit.”

John offered him a weak smile and flipped him the bird. “You always were quite the charmer.”

Cam grinned. “I try. I’m going back to bed--you’re welcome to join me.”

John stared at the couch and then back at Cam and shrugged. “I might sleep for a week.”

“Then you’re changing the sheets when you wake up,” Cam said. He headed back down the hall to his room and heard John quietly follow him back.

They settled into Cam’s bed like no time at all had passed. John curled up on his side, moving down the bed until his head was on Cam’s stomach. Cam ran a hand over John’s hair and left it there as he slipped off to sleep.

**

True to his word, John was still sleeping when Cam’s alarm woke him up. And John, who used to wake up at the sound of a hair moving, didn’t so much as budge as the machine beeped. Cam blindly turned it off and reached for his cell phone. He was calling in sick today.

“Hi, this is Colonel Mitchell,” Cam said quietly. “I’m letting you know I won’t be in today… no I’m positive it’s not something I picked up OW… just a headache. Yeah, thanks.”

He set the phone back down on his side table and slowly combed his fingers through John’s hair again. Cam hadn’t seen John since The Academy. He’d been in love with John Sheppard from day one, and to this day, John still had his heart. And really there was nothing Cam wouldn’t do for John Sheppard.

He studied John as he slept. John had lost weight since Cam had last seen him, and since that had been over fifteen years ago, Cam didn’t think that was a good sign. He seemed fragile in a way he never had before. When Cam’s eyes moved down John’s figure, they stalled on a series of bruises on John’s arms. Cam felt his heart stop as his eyes caught more bruises on John’s torso, hidden last night in the dark, but standing out starkly in the morning light.

“John,” Cam murmured softly. “What happened to you?”

The last Cam knew, John had been stationed overseas, he had thought the Middle East, but he wasn’t sure. From the looks of John’s hair and the clothes he was in, Cam wasn’t even sure John was still in the Air Force at all. John had always been made for more. While the other guys would spend their off time shooting pool or getting drunk, John had always had a pen in his hand, scribbling out number after number. Cam had never been able to understand any of it, but it had made John happy, so it made Cam happy.

John shifted in his sleep, clinging tighter to Cam. He let out a soft whimper, and Cam rubbed his back until he was quiet again. He wondered how John had found him, after all these years. There had been a few sparse letters, more on Cam’s side than John’s, but John had never really been much of a communicator whereas Cam knew he was overly chatty at the best of times, always trying to keep everyone happy. He had never had to try with John. All Cam ever had to do was look at him, or hold his hand, and John’s smile would be bright enough to light up a whole room.

“Cam,” John murmured.

Cam ran a hand through John’s hair, he was pretty sure the other man was still asleep. “I’m right here, John.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t,” Cam promised. “Not again.”

John drifted off back to sleep, if he’d even been awake, and Cam sat there with him, trying not to wake John up, because he seemed in desperate need of some sleep.

**

It was late afternoon when John finally roused from his slumber. Cam was stretched out on the bed next to him. He’d only moved for some food and to use the bathroom. Each time he’d come back John had still be asleep.

“Good morning,” Cam greeted. “Sleep well?”

John blinked slowly, adjusting to his surroundings. “Cameron?”

“Yep.”

“It wasn’t a dream?”

“Not unless we’re both having the same one,” Cam answered.

John winced as he stretched, bruises looking even darker now than they had in the morning. “You let me in.”

“I told you, John--I’ll always let you in.”

John smiled shyly. “I wasn’t sure if that… if your offer had an expiration date.”

“Not for you,” Cam told him. “Are you hungry?” He asked, because his mother had always taught him to feed his guests and to feed them well.

“Yeah, I--” John cut himself off with a nod.

Cam smiled. “The bathroom’s down the hall, first door on the left. I’ll leave some sweats out for you. Still like cheese in your scrambled eggs?”

“I… yeah,” John said, looking lost.

“Good. I’ll get started on that. Come out when you’re ready, kitchen’s not hard to find.”

Cam started to stand up but a warm hand wrapped around his wrist. John looked up and met his eyes. “Thank you for this, Cam.”

“You’re welcome.”

**

John was jumpy. It was something Cam noticed almost as soon as John sat down at the dining room table. His shoulders we hunched, and he was swimming in the clothes Cam had left out for him. And John was hungry. He had slowly but surely devoured the eggs and toast that Cam had put in front of him and he only put up a token protest when Cam got up to make more.

Cam set the full plate of eggs back down in front of John and John dove right back into them. It left Cam wondering how long it had been since John had last eaten. Cam added it to the ever growing pile of questions he had for John.

John finished the second plate of eggs in only slightly less time than he had the first. Cam got up to make him more but John reached out and tucked a finger into Cam’s boxers, stopping him in place. “Full?” Can asked.

“Yeah. I… I think I’m going to go back to bed,” John said.

Cam reached down and rested the back of his hand against John’s forehead. “Are you sick?”

John knocked Cam’s hand away. “Just tired.”

“Lemme clean this up and I’ll join you,” Cam offered.

John nodded slowly. “Alright.”

**

Cam called in some vacation time for the next week. John was sleeping again, but Cam wanted to be here when he woke up. He knew that if he went to the Mountain, his mind would be on John the whole time, so he decided it was best to just take some time off and figure things out before going back into work.

He didn’t tell John of his decision, nor did John ask why Cam wasn’t at work. For all Cam knew, John didn’t know he was still in the military.

After two days, John’s bruises were still a painful looking purple, and John was moving more stiffly than ever. He continued to eat whatever Cam put in front of him, always accepting more. John also slept an alarming amount, and Cam had already been on the phone with his mother, twice, to try and figure out if something was really wrong with John.

On day thee, Cam logged onto the Mountain’s server from his laptop and looked up John’s service record. John had been honorably discharged two years ago, but everything else in his file was sealed. There was no mention of where John had been for the past two years, but Cam hadn’t really expected there to be. He sighed and closed down his computer, going back to his room to check on John.

One of the most worrisome things, was that Cam hadn’t once seen John scribbling out equations. He’d left paper and pens by John’s bed side, but they remained untouched.

“Hey,” Cam said, stepping into the room.

John stirred from his light sleep to look at him. He smiled, “Hey.”

Cam walked over and perched on the edge of the bed. He brushed John’s hair out of his eyes; it was really getting long. “I love you, John,” Cam said. “And I would never ask you to leave, but I have to know--why now? Why did you pick now to come find me?”

“I’ve been looking for a while,” John confessed. “I heard that your plane had gone down and I just… I had to see you, Cam. Had to make sure you were alright.”

“You could have just called,” Cam said with a smile. “My legs didn’t work very well, but my mouth sure did.”

“Didn’t have the number,” John said sheepishly. “Whenever I tried to get a hold of you the Air Force would give me the runaround.”

“How did you find me here?” Cam asked.

“I went to the one place I knew of where someone would know where you were.”

Cam blinked. “You went to my mother’s house? And she didn’t tell me?”

John shrugged. “She told me where to find you so I headed out here to Colorado.”

“Now that you know I’m okay, are you going to leave?” Cam asked softly.

“Do you want me to?”

Cam shook his head. “I want you to stay. I’ve always wanted you to stay.”

John sighed and looked away. “I’m kind of a mess right now.”

“I’m not the picture of perfection either.”

John’s head turned and he studied Cam’s features. “You are to me.”

“Are we really going to do this?” Cam asked hopefully. He reached out and took John’s hand in his own. “Because if we start this, and you walk away again, I’m not sure how I’ll ever forgive myself a second time.”

“I never forgave myself the first time,” John whispered.

Cam took a deep breath. “What happened to you, John?”

“Nothing,” John said, looking away. “I’m fine.”

Cam snorted. “Fine does not mean having the colors of the rainbow all over your skin.”

“… No orange or green. Or blue.”

“John.”

“I’m… I’m working on something,” John said at last, so quietly that Cam could only just hear him. “Something big. It has to do with calculations for pulling energy from subspace.”

This was starting to sound like something Carter had mentioned. “Okay…”

“I… it’s big, Cam,” John said earnestly. “Huge. Like it could change everything as we know it. Everything.”

“I don’t get how that leads to you having so many bruises.”

“I… The math,” John exhaled. “The math never stops, Cameron. It won’t stop anymore. It’s just… it’s always there and I’m losing myself. All I can think about are equations and numbers and it just keeps going.”

“John,” Cam breathed. “What did you do?”

“I had to find you,” John said. “I had to find you. You could always make the numbers go away for a while. You… you make me want to fight them so I can just be with you.”

“John.”

“I had to get myself to stop thinking, to make it all go away so that I could find you. Please, Cameron, don’t be mad.”

“What did you do, John?” Cam repeated, a tight fear gripping his heart. He knew what John had done.

“The pain gives me a few hours, Cameron,” John whispered. “It lets me think long enough to get myself on a train or a plane or a bus to come find you.”

“So you ask people to beat you up?”

John sighed. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

Cam closed his eyes as he gathered his thoughts. He was on the verge of making all the wrong moves with John. It was easy to see that the other man was about to bolt. “Was it just physical?”

John’s silence was all the answer he needed.

It wasn’t that Cam was angry. It was that he was sad, a little hurt, but mostly he just ached for John. To have to live his life this way because his mind wouldn’t stop moving. He believed John about the numbers, he believed John about all of it. The way John wouldn’t look at him was proof enough that he felt ashamed.

Cam reached out and hooked a finger under John’s chin, turning his head to face Cam. John’s eyes were downcast and his posture defeated. “I love you, John.”

John’s eyes flickered and Cam saw surprise go through them. “What?”

“I love you. I want you to stay with me. I want you to never leave me again. We can work on this, John. If I make the numbers stop, then I’ll do my best to be around more. But you need to promise me… no more hurting yourself. Because I’m right here, you already found me, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“What if it’s not enough?” John whispered. “What if you’re here and the numbers come back?”

“Then we have large amounts of sex until they leave. But I’m not going to hurt you, John,” Cam warned. “I can’t do that, can’t be like that.”

“Just like that?” John asked. “Everything works just like that? I haven’t seen you in seventeen years and you let me in as though I’ve always been here.”

Cam held an arm out, indicating his bedroom walls. “Look around, John. You have always been here.”

On the walls were various pictures of his family, interspersed with pictures of him and John together and a few lone pictures of just John.

“You’ve… you’ve always had these?” John gaped.

“I never thought what we had would be all we had,” Cam explained. “I was always planning to look you up when I retired, John. I think you know that. You just beat me to the punch.”

“So we pick up where we left off? Just like that?”

Cam shrugged. “We both have to get re-tested before we do anything… and I’d like to catch up on your life, John.”

John nodded slowly, and his hazel-green eyes met Cam’s. “Okay.”

“And there’s someone I’d like you to meet,” Cam added. “Her name is Samantha Carter, she works with me. I think she might be able to--”

“Carter?” John repeated. “Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter?”

“Yeah. She’d a friend, I--”

“I’ve been e-mailing her on and off for a year,” John said. “She’s… she’s been really encouraging. I can’t believe you know her.”

Cam coughed softly. “Small world, huh?”

“Can she come over tonight?”

“Let’s get your stuff unpacked, and then we can go from there, okay? Maybe wait a few more days until you’re feeling better. She’ll still be here.”

“Yes, sure,” John agreed, then frowned. “Are you going to get in trouble for me being here?”

Cam shook his head. “Not at all.”

“But you’re still in the military.”

“I work out of a top-secret base,” Cam confessed. “They’re not going to do anything to me, John.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.” Cam figured that saving the world had to come in handy sometime. He leaned down and planted a gentle kiss onto John’s lips. John reached up and settled his hand on the back of Cam’s neck, holding him in place, deepening the kiss. It was just as perfect as Cam remembered and happiness filled him from head to toe. John pulled back with a small smile and Cam ran his thumb over John’s lips. “Beautiful.”

John still had a long way to go, Cam knew. He had to gain about fifteen pounds to get back into any sort of acceptable weight range for his height, and Cam couldn’t wait for the bruises to disappear, and John seemed to always be so tired. But Cam would help him, and he’d do his best to distract John from the numbers when they got to be too much.

“I love you,” John whispered. “It’s always been you, Cameron.”

Just like it had always been John.

~Finis~